Rants

Don't know if anyone still reading my blog but I just need to let out a little ranting.

Since I've become a mother, I've become more obsessive with cleanliness. And it gets to me when my husband doesn't have the same view as me. It's not just cleanliness, it's being tidy as well. If people knew me, they'd knew I am not the most tidy person in the world.

Growing up, I have always had a maid in the house. I rarely ever clean my own things. Someone is always doing the washing, the cleaning, the ironing.. All those housechores I hate to do is someone elses job.

So since I moved out of my parents' house, I had to do everything myself and since I'm quite a clean person, I dont mind doing all the cleaning on regular basis. It's just that I hate doing the tidying up, folding and ironing the clothes, etc2.. and ever since having the baby, those jobs had been trippling! And that's just ONE baby!!

I am not used to routinely, every single day doing these chores. I told my husband to get a maid but he refused to do so because maids are expensive nowadays. We do call the cleaner every other weekends to clean the house, but I still need someone to help me with the dishes and laundry.

My daily routines - wake up at 5am, make breakfast, make baby's food, bath, feed baby, change baby's diapers, pack her bags, send her to the babysitter's place, work, pick up baby from babysitter's place, bath the baby, shower, feed the baby, play with the baby, wash the bottles, cook, fold and iron laundry, put baby to sleep..

I really don't have time for myself and it's getting frustrating. I love my baby, don't get me wrong. Basically I just want my husband to help out with all these chores. If he can't get me a maid, THEN HELP OUT!! I really don't need to say what needs to be done on daily basis. Seriously! Why do I need to say "Can you please do bla bla bla..?". Why can't he just pick up his bum and just do whatever chores that needs to be done for goodness sakes!! It's our house! I don't care if he pays the bills and the rentals and whatshits not! Even more so that he needs to maintain the house since he's the one paying!!

When I told him I'm overly exhausted and told him that he's not being fair to me. He told me that I'm not sincere enough taking care of the family thus the reason why I'm feeling over burdened by all these chores. Grrrrr... I just feel like kicking him in the balls!!! Arghhhhh!!!!

Okay.. enough rants..

Sighhh..

Feeling Lost

Some days I wanna quit this dayjob of mine so bad and find something I really love doing and don't mind the stress. I want to find my passion and feel the happiness again.

I really miss my life in Moscow. It was hectic and sometimes stressful especially when you're dealing with the university or when the foreign students welfare is not met but somehow I had time to find the things I love doing. I could find time to actually read on things. Nowadays I can't even finish a single book. I can't even remember the last time I finished a novel. Can't even remember the last title of the book I "read".

I can't even remember the last time I opened the Quran, let alone reading the translation. I used to had so much time. So much time for myself.

Some days I feel severely depressed. I can't find my happiness in my job. I can't find the love in this job. But then, I don't know what else to do if I actually decide to quit this job.

I hate doing business. I don't know how to make money from my blog. I don't know how to do marketing. What else can I do?

Every day I chant to myself, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah. May He gives me happiness in this "so-called" noble job of mine. May he leads me to the right path. InsyaAllah, I'm sure everything will get better. I just have to believe in myself.

I don't know why I'm so depressed.
😞

New Place, New Life, and The Uncertainties.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of uncertainty. I hate going to new places. 

I remember curling up on the floor the day after I received my SPM results and had to make decisions on where I am going. I remember thinking I hate growing up. I remember thinking I hate to cross that line, that uncertainty.

Nonetheless, as Ellice Grey would say it - the carousel never stop turning. I have to endure it anyway, and so far I have been surviving. Had a great time along the way too.

I have been posted to Hospital Enche Besar Hajjah Khalsom in Kluang, Johor. New place, new environment, new colleague. I hate the part where I am the only "junior" MO. I am alone. That's just the worst of all. I hope I won't get bullied. I hope my colleague are great. I just really hope the best for myself. 

I am always alone somehow. I entered matriculation alone. I went to Russia alone. I entered Selayang Hospital alone. Alone as in no one I knew came with me. After my 2nd posting during housemanship, I practically entered every department alone. Sighh...

Yeah, you can say it's some sort a sad situation but I make a lot of friends a long the way. I really hope this time it will be the same. 

Wish me luck as a medical MO. I am terrified out of my brain right now! *cries*

Have I Sinned?

Sometimes, I get flashbacks of my patients that has passed. Mostly I thought the ones that died because of my incompetence and carelessness in my judgement.

They said you're not a good doctor if you never killed anyone.

But have I sinned? Killing is a sin. Some days I wonder. If my incompentence and carelessness cause them death. Is it a sin?

It's bad thinking about it. Sometimes the guilt is just too overwhelming. Although most of the time they were unexpected. Like you never thought the outcome would be that way because patient was so well until you gave one medication that was supposed to be contraindicated.

I really feel sad for him. He and his wife waited for hours in the emergency department. If only the surgical team had reviewed him earlier. I don't want to blame anyone. Wished I had better judgement that day. It's already almost 6 months had pass since the incident yet I'm still having difficulties forgetting that moment. I felt guilty because they waited for hours in the emergency department and he ended up dead. I felt guilty for his wife that waited beside him. I just really felt guilty. He seemed so well when he came.

I am so sorry.

Dear Allah, I hope you forgive me.
Dear uncle and auntie and the rest of your family, I hope you forgive me too.

Leave A Little Sparkle Wherever You Go

"There's no reason to look back when you have so much to look forward to"

Spiderweb

Bersawang dah blog ni. I'm so sorry to my readers.

Currently in my last posting - Orthopaedics. Seriously can't believe it. Almost surviving my housemanship.
I hope I'll have time to make this blog as active as it used to be.
Too busy with my wedding. Too busy with my day job.
Trying to get my passion for blogging back.
Wanna travel again soon.

I went to Yellowcard concert last week. I think I'll update that soon.

Later.
When I have time.
Sigh. Time....


#prayformalaysia

Career path

The more I stay in this career path, the more I hate this job.

There is not one day that I haven't thought of quitting from becoming a doctor.