"There's no reason to look back when you have so much to look forward to"
Showing posts with label in love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label in love. Show all posts
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Neither Rich, Neither Poor, But It Wasn't Easy.
It is wrong to show happiness? Is it wrong to share that happiness?
I don't know what other people are going through, but let me tell you how it was for me growing up.
My mother was an independent woman. I mean seriously, a super woman. She does everything and I mean EVERYTHING. She works, she cooks, she sends me and my siblings to school/tuition classes/islamic classes/ballet classes/football/etc (you name it), she does the groceries, pay the bills, pay the house, just literally EVERYTHING.
My dad? He appears once in a while in the picture and I don't want to go into that.
Anyway, growing up especially during primary school I used to hate my mother. I love her, but sometimes I was just so angry at her. Angry at how she was working all the time and I was craving for the attention. When I was in Secondary school, I saw my sister was going through the same thing, but if I see it differently, she spends more time with us than any working mother could have ever done. I mean, how can you be working and send your children to school at the same time? Then send us again to where ever we wanted to go. Even to malls on weekend!
I hated the day I had my driving licence. It just means, I can go anywhere I want by myself now. Mean, I'll have less time with mother. Sometimes the only time we had was in the car when she's sending me somewhere. Until she had to say, "just please help me out, I do EVERYTHING, now you can mobilize, just help me a little". After that, I just had to accept that I had to be responsible.
It wasn't an easy life, but it was a disaster either. It was comfortable, but definitely wasn't easy. To get where we are now. I don't know how my mother does it. We're don't own millions, but one thing she says, "never show people how hard your life is". Because whatever that happens in your life is because of Allah s.w.t. All you can do is pray hard, work hard and hope that whatever comes to you, you just have to make the best out of it. And yet, I get to be a doctor, my brother is a geologist, another brother in UK completing engineering and my sister just finished SPM.
Even the time when my mother had lost every single cent that she owns, somehow me managed to pull through. I remember that time my brother was in college and he had gotten so thin. When my mother visited him, he said he hadn't eaten for a week and just drank tap water. *Okay, I can't hold my tears*
It was so hard at that time. I had to fork out my study allowance to support them. Some days I had to do extra business to get some pocket money. But even with that situation, I still can do things that I want. I was still able to travel, and shop and well, do whatever I wanted while I was in Moscow.
We never told how hard our lives was at that point of time. People see me travel, and having fun in Moscow, they think I wasn't helping my mother. They think me and my siblings were ignoring my mother and let her drown in her own problems. I know I can't help her much, all I can help was trying to make our family survive and what else would they expect us to do? We're a bunch of kids! And if I know my mother, I know she wouldn't use our money to solve her problems.
I don't want to tell the world how my life is. I know there are other people whose lives are harder than mine, but I just want to tell that we didn't had an easy life. Not like what other people portrays our lives.
From this situation, I learnt that the only way you can get out of your problems is if Allah s.w.t helps you and to get to the point where He helps you, is where you have to accept all the trouble and hardship. Not trying to get people's attention or blame someone else for the misery that you have.
Somehow at the time where we had no money. Literally NO MONEY, there were always somewhere, somehow, out of nowhere came the money. Somehow, Saddam still got to go to UK with MARA sponsorship, Lokman graduated, I graduated, and Nabilla finished high school. Well, what more can a mother ask for? Orang kata, rezeki.... Alhamdulillah.
Anyway, we're still surviving. My mother still has her business. Me and Lokman are already working now, so I think it should be easier for her.
And to those people, I hope they can see, that if we don't want to help them, we could have just ran away and live overseas. But we're still here, and I hope that they can be patient. I hope that they can see that the money is Allah's and not ours. If Allah s.w.t decide that the money should be taken away, who are we to argue?
Wallahualam.
For whatever misfit that happened in our lives, I am still grateful for this life Allah s.w.t gave to us, because without those misfit I don't think we could get closer to Him and to each other and I don't think we would know the people's true colour.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
I don't know what other people are going through, but let me tell you how it was for me growing up.
My mother was an independent woman. I mean seriously, a super woman. She does everything and I mean EVERYTHING. She works, she cooks, she sends me and my siblings to school/tuition classes/islamic classes/ballet classes/football/etc (you name it), she does the groceries, pay the bills, pay the house, just literally EVERYTHING.
My dad? He appears once in a while in the picture and I don't want to go into that.
Anyway, growing up especially during primary school I used to hate my mother. I love her, but sometimes I was just so angry at her. Angry at how she was working all the time and I was craving for the attention. When I was in Secondary school, I saw my sister was going through the same thing, but if I see it differently, she spends more time with us than any working mother could have ever done. I mean, how can you be working and send your children to school at the same time? Then send us again to where ever we wanted to go. Even to malls on weekend!
I hated the day I had my driving licence. It just means, I can go anywhere I want by myself now. Mean, I'll have less time with mother. Sometimes the only time we had was in the car when she's sending me somewhere. Until she had to say, "just please help me out, I do EVERYTHING, now you can mobilize, just help me a little". After that, I just had to accept that I had to be responsible.
It wasn't an easy life, but it was a disaster either. It was comfortable, but definitely wasn't easy. To get where we are now. I don't know how my mother does it. We're don't own millions, but one thing she says, "never show people how hard your life is". Because whatever that happens in your life is because of Allah s.w.t. All you can do is pray hard, work hard and hope that whatever comes to you, you just have to make the best out of it. And yet, I get to be a doctor, my brother is a geologist, another brother in UK completing engineering and my sister just finished SPM.
Even the time when my mother had lost every single cent that she owns, somehow me managed to pull through. I remember that time my brother was in college and he had gotten so thin. When my mother visited him, he said he hadn't eaten for a week and just drank tap water. *Okay, I can't hold my tears*
It was so hard at that time. I had to fork out my study allowance to support them. Some days I had to do extra business to get some pocket money. But even with that situation, I still can do things that I want. I was still able to travel, and shop and well, do whatever I wanted while I was in Moscow.
We never told how hard our lives was at that point of time. People see me travel, and having fun in Moscow, they think I wasn't helping my mother. They think me and my siblings were ignoring my mother and let her drown in her own problems. I know I can't help her much, all I can help was trying to make our family survive and what else would they expect us to do? We're a bunch of kids! And if I know my mother, I know she wouldn't use our money to solve her problems.
I don't want to tell the world how my life is. I know there are other people whose lives are harder than mine, but I just want to tell that we didn't had an easy life. Not like what other people portrays our lives.
From this situation, I learnt that the only way you can get out of your problems is if Allah s.w.t helps you and to get to the point where He helps you, is where you have to accept all the trouble and hardship. Not trying to get people's attention or blame someone else for the misery that you have.
Somehow at the time where we had no money. Literally NO MONEY, there were always somewhere, somehow, out of nowhere came the money. Somehow, Saddam still got to go to UK with MARA sponsorship, Lokman graduated, I graduated, and Nabilla finished high school. Well, what more can a mother ask for? Orang kata, rezeki.... Alhamdulillah.
Anyway, we're still surviving. My mother still has her business. Me and Lokman are already working now, so I think it should be easier for her.
And to those people, I hope they can see, that if we don't want to help them, we could have just ran away and live overseas. But we're still here, and I hope that they can be patient. I hope that they can see that the money is Allah's and not ours. If Allah s.w.t decide that the money should be taken away, who are we to argue?
Wallahualam.
For whatever misfit that happened in our lives, I am still grateful for this life Allah s.w.t gave to us, because without those misfit I don't think we could get closer to Him and to each other and I don't think we would know the people's true colour.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Better Late Than Never: Dr Maimuna+Dr Irfan's Engagement
Heee.. I know it's very late to post up pics of my engagement, but oh well, better late than never right? and I know you guys are actually waiting for it.
So, my engagement was almost 5 months ago. 13th April 2013. Had everything planned, although there was so many things happening right before the event.
One, the case where my engagement ring got stolen. Then my then-to-be fiancé's grandmother passed away few days before our engagement. I thought of postponing our event, but his family said everything was already prepared, so we went on with it.
They gave me his grandmother's ring for our engagement. :'(
It's really sad. His grandmother was so excited to come to Kuantan, but I guess it was her time. Allah knows better.
Not to mentioned, I was SICK! Paediatrics really left me a gift, I was on night shift 2 days before my engagement and I fell sick. I was working with 38.5'C temperature and vomited the whole night. I had to asked my colleague from the other ward for blood taking because I was shivering. My fingers turned blue while I was doing my rounds and had chills. Luckily my MO was cool. I think I overdosed myself on Brufen that night. :p
So anyway, the event started after Maghrib. We also did Doa Selamat right before my event.
Here's some pic of the night.
So, my engagement was almost 5 months ago. 13th April 2013. Had everything planned, although there was so many things happening right before the event.
One, the case where my engagement ring got stolen. Then my then-to-be fiancé's grandmother passed away few days before our engagement. I thought of postponing our event, but his family said everything was already prepared, so we went on with it.
They gave me his grandmother's ring for our engagement. :'(
It's really sad. His grandmother was so excited to come to Kuantan, but I guess it was her time. Allah knows better.
Not to mentioned, I was SICK! Paediatrics really left me a gift, I was on night shift 2 days before my engagement and I fell sick. I was working with 38.5'C temperature and vomited the whole night. I had to asked my colleague from the other ward for blood taking because I was shivering. My fingers turned blue while I was doing my rounds and had chills. Luckily my MO was cool. I think I overdosed myself on Brufen that night. :p
So anyway, the event started after Maghrib. We also did Doa Selamat right before my event.
Here's some pic of the night.
The pelamin. Done by my mother.
The house all prep up
Yours truly. The dress bought in Variante Pavillion.
My face looks so "sembab" because I was sick and slept the whole day.
"I do"
I'm engaged!
My bestfriends!
With his parents
My family, the people who made it happen. Without them it wouldn't be a success.
The hantaran. Mine was done by my auntie and cousin.
So there you have it. The people I have to thank most is my mom and my maklang. They're the ones who made the event a success. Also not to forget my cousins. Hopefully those who came had a blast! I know I did.
Missing that moment.
Friday, January 25, 2013
A Quater Of A Decade + 1 Year
So, my birthday was last week. It fell on the 16th of January (REMEMBER THIS DATE!)
I took a day off on that day. Because, I really don't want to be working on my birthday. Thank God the leave was approved! I have been spending 7 years of my birthday preparing for exam!
If it's not an exam day, the exam is probably the day after. I remember 2011's birthday, exam week, and I was super sick. bB came with his friends and surprised me. Most memorable birthday I must say.
This year, I didn't get to spend it with my family. Because it was a weekday. bB came down from Muar to celebrate the day with me.
He picked me up after I finished work, waited for me to get ready and he treated me with dinner at Tony Roma's. I have never been to Tony Roma's before, coz Kuantan doesn't have any Tony Roma's branches. So, the main specialty is the RIBS! I made a mistake of ordering a burger, while I know the ribs are the main attraction. bB ordered the Lamb Ribs. The burger wasn't that good though. HRC's burger is still the best. But the ribs, Oh My God! Seriously, one plate is not enough! They were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo goooooooooooooooooooooooood!!!! Even their mash potatoes were EXCELLENT!
After we had finished, I saw bB talking with the waiters. It didn't click in my head that he was telling them that it's my birthday. Anyway, they came with a cake and a candle and sang "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" for me. Haha....
I got a free dessert! I don't have the picture with the cake. It's in bB's iPhone.. = (
Then, we spent the night hanging out at Tasik Titiwangsa before heading home. I was dead tired, plus the ribs was making me feel very sleepy.
The next day, we went out shopping and searching for an engagement ring. Couldn't find the ones we like yet. We found the ring for Nikah though, but decided to KIV for now. Maybe we'll find other rings that we like, since Nikah is still a long way to go. A bit disappointed that all the ones that I like is above our budget. So, we still have to find THE ring for the engagement.
And we spent the night watching Here Come The Boom at the cinema. Hehe...
I was working the next day. And I feel like telling the mommies, that their newborns has the same birthday as me! Too excited. I was not over about my birthday.
That night, I got to spend my last night with bB before he went back to Muar.
We went and watch another movie.
Well, that was basically it. My 26th birthday.
I took a day off on that day. Because, I really don't want to be working on my birthday. Thank God the leave was approved! I have been spending 7 years of my birthday preparing for exam!
If it's not an exam day, the exam is probably the day after. I remember 2011's birthday, exam week, and I was super sick. bB came with his friends and surprised me. Most memorable birthday I must say.
This year, I didn't get to spend it with my family. Because it was a weekday. bB came down from Muar to celebrate the day with me.
He picked me up after I finished work, waited for me to get ready and he treated me with dinner at Tony Roma's. I have never been to Tony Roma's before, coz Kuantan doesn't have any Tony Roma's branches. So, the main specialty is the RIBS! I made a mistake of ordering a burger, while I know the ribs are the main attraction. bB ordered the Lamb Ribs. The burger wasn't that good though. HRC's burger is still the best. But the ribs, Oh My God! Seriously, one plate is not enough! They were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo goooooooooooooooooooooooood!!!! Even their mash potatoes were EXCELLENT!
The drink was too sweet!
My onion burger!
Fantastic ribs!
Talking about it, I feel like going there now!! Their price are a bit pricey, but it was all worth it. Yum, yum, yum...... =9
Enjoying the food! A friend said I look like an "aunty"!!
Few months ago, another friend said I look like a young mother.
Oh NO!!! Is it a hint I should be married now?
Me and my love
I got a free dessert! I don't have the picture with the cake. It's in bB's iPhone.. = (
Then, we spent the night hanging out at Tasik Titiwangsa before heading home. I was dead tired, plus the ribs was making me feel very sleepy.
The next day, we went out shopping and searching for an engagement ring. Couldn't find the ones we like yet. We found the ring for Nikah though, but decided to KIV for now. Maybe we'll find other rings that we like, since Nikah is still a long way to go. A bit disappointed that all the ones that I like is above our budget. So, we still have to find THE ring for the engagement.
And we spent the night watching Here Come The Boom at the cinema. Hehe...
I was working the next day. And I feel like telling the mommies, that their newborns has the same birthday as me! Too excited. I was not over about my birthday.
That night, I got to spend my last night with bB before he went back to Muar.
We went and watch another movie.
Colourful water fountains in KLCC
Well, that was basically it. My 26th birthday.
Me at 26
Thank you bB for coming all the way up to KL! I really appreciate it! ♥
Saturday, December 1, 2012
What Makes You Beautiful
Me: b... Awak ok tak dengan warna biru?
bB: Asalkan awak nampak cantik.. Saya tak kisah
Me: MANA BOLEH!!! Kene la dua-dua cantik!
bB: Oh.. ye ke? Tapi saya tak kisah...
Me: -_____-"
Do I go bold with the colour pastel blue, or should I play safe and go with pastel peach? I know I look good in both colours (okay, perasan jap), but I can't say if he'll look good in blue though... Never seen him wearing pastel blue before...
He just follows with whatever colour I choose. He doesn't even mind whatever colour I choose, as long as I'm happy...
But I can't be making all this decisions by myself! It's our ceremony.. Blue or Peach? Blue or Peach?
bB: Asalkan awak nampak cantik.. Saya tak kisah
Me: MANA BOLEH!!! Kene la dua-dua cantik!
bB: Oh.. ye ke? Tapi saya tak kisah...
Me: -_____-"
Do I go bold with the colour pastel blue, or should I play safe and go with pastel peach? I know I look good in both colours (okay, perasan jap), but I can't say if he'll look good in blue though... Never seen him wearing pastel blue before...
He just follows with whatever colour I choose. He doesn't even mind whatever colour I choose, as long as I'm happy...
But I can't be making all this decisions by myself! It's our ceremony.. Blue or Peach? Blue or Peach?
So... Peach or Blue? hrrmmm...
Thursday, November 22, 2012
One Big Little Step
Oh! We can't decide on an engagement date!!!
He wants it to be January, but I'll be just starting work in January. He wants it to be done before he goes into Medical Department. Otherwise he said it'll be in 2014. But I think I need time to adapt myself to work and I don't think I can divide my time and energy between working and arranging an engagement ceremony!
I want it to be simple but even if I just invite family and close friends, you must know, my father has 16 siblings (from 4 mothers) and my mother has 9 siblings (from 1 mother). Count all the cousins, nieces, nephews and grandchildren and that just makes the ceremony far from simple, I think.
And you must know the Malays. You can't invite one person, without inviting the other person. Even if you don't fancy that one aunt. In the end, I'm sure my mother will spread the words around anyway...
Plus, I can't just let my mother do all the preparations! I want to be in it too since it's my ceremony too!
What if I'm still tagging at that time or what if I got Medical or Surgical or Obstetrics Department as my first post?! Wouldn't that be difficult for me too? I mean, he's already adapt to work almost a year now, and I am just starting. I am afraid that stress will get to me, and the ceremony will be a disaster because I easily breakdown if things don't go my way...
Oh, this is so stressful.... and this is just thinking about the date! Not yet the actual planning!
He wants it to be January, but I'll be just starting work in January. He wants it to be done before he goes into Medical Department. Otherwise he said it'll be in 2014. But I think I need time to adapt myself to work and I don't think I can divide my time and energy between working and arranging an engagement ceremony!
I want it to be simple but even if I just invite family and close friends, you must know, my father has 16 siblings (from 4 mothers) and my mother has 9 siblings (from 1 mother). Count all the cousins, nieces, nephews and grandchildren and that just makes the ceremony far from simple, I think.
And you must know the Malays. You can't invite one person, without inviting the other person. Even if you don't fancy that one aunt. In the end, I'm sure my mother will spread the words around anyway...
Plus, I can't just let my mother do all the preparations! I want to be in it too since it's my ceremony too!
What if I'm still tagging at that time or what if I got Medical or Surgical or Obstetrics Department as my first post?! Wouldn't that be difficult for me too? I mean, he's already adapt to work almost a year now, and I am just starting. I am afraid that stress will get to me, and the ceremony will be a disaster because I easily breakdown if things don't go my way...
Oh, this is so stressful.... and this is just thinking about the date! Not yet the actual planning!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
What Makes Us Girls
"This is what makes us girls
We all look for heaven and we put our love first
Somethin' that we'd die for, it's our curse
Don't cry about it, don't cry about it
This is what makes us girls
We don't stick together 'cause we put our love first
Don't cry about him, don't cry about him
It's all gonna happen"
Friday, June 1, 2012
Narcissist in Me
Me: Lepas letak profile picture kat FB, gambar takde kepala kurang sket laki2 tak dikenali hantar friend requests dengan message "hie cantik". Aman sket hidup.
bB: Perasan giler.
Me: betul lah!
>_<"
bB: Perasan giler.
Me: betul lah!
>_<"
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mama, You're the Queen of My Heart
If I could give you diamonds for each tear you cried for me.
If I could five you sapphires for each truth you’ve helped me see.
If I could give you rubies for the heartache that you’ve known.
If I could give you pearls for the wisdom that you’ve shown.
Then you’ll have a treasure, mother, that would mount up to the skies.
That would almost match the sparkle in your kind and loving eyes.
But I have no pearls, no diamonds, as I’m sure you’re well aware.
So I’ll give you gifts more precious; my devotion, love and care.
If I could five you sapphires for each truth you’ve helped me see.
If I could give you rubies for the heartache that you’ve known.
If I could give you pearls for the wisdom that you’ve shown.
Then you’ll have a treasure, mother, that would mount up to the skies.
That would almost match the sparkle in your kind and loving eyes.
But I have no pearls, no diamonds, as I’m sure you’re well aware.
So I’ll give you gifts more precious; my devotion, love and care.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO MY SUPERMOM.
Forever my heart will be yours.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Wait. Don't Rush.
My bB thinks I'm not ready to get married yet. When I asked why, he said "Think deep".
Damn. He knows very well that I hate thinking and there might be a thousand reasons why I am not ready to get married but when he said it that way, I just feel like rebelling and wanting to proof that I AM READY.
Ok. that just made another one of the reason why he said I am not ready yet. Any other idea?
Maybe he's the one who's not ready yet?
I still keep in my thoughts - Don't rush. The time will come.
Damn. He knows very well that I hate thinking and there might be a thousand reasons why I am not ready to get married but when he said it that way, I just feel like rebelling and wanting to proof that I AM READY.
Ok. that just made another one of the reason why he said I am not ready yet. Any other idea?
Maybe he's the one who's not ready yet?
I still keep in my thoughts - Don't rush. The time will come.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Transparent
I wish you would tell me everything.. Every single little thing that is happening in your life right now.. It may not seem like it's a big deal to you, but it's big for me.
At least, I know.
At least, I don't have to keep waiting.
At least, there won't be silence.
Well, at least you're still there, I supposed...
Just one of those lonely nights, I supposed... I miss you...
At least, I know.
At least, I don't have to keep waiting.
At least, there won't be silence.
Well, at least you're still there, I supposed...
Just one of those lonely nights, I supposed... I miss you...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Twenties Girl
So, my birthday was 3 days ago. I didn't update anything because I had my 1st exam paper today. Which went pretty well.
Anyway, I didn't have any major birthday party or anything because of the exams. Yeah. Bummer. Every year my birthday falls on exam's month since I came to Moscow. heh.
bB made a little surprise for me, where he asked Fareez to specially deliver a birthday cake for me. So he sang happy birthday and I cut the cake while skyping at 8pm Moscow time and 12 am Malaysian time. Yeah.. That's long distance for you I supposed. huhu.. He had to sleep early because he had to work. So we celebrated my birthday according to Malaysian time. huhu.
Since my hostel is doing re-wiring, and currently their re-wiring my floor. So, I'm staying at my Sasha's room for a week. So she and her blockmates made pancake for me, and we had another candle-blowing-birthday celebration at 12 midnight Moscow time. hehe...
And OH! My mom made this really cute card for me! It's really cute!!! My mom always has been very creative. How else would she be so awesome at her job, right?! ^_^
Anyway, I didn't have any major birthday party or anything because of the exams. Yeah. Bummer. Every year my birthday falls on exam's month since I came to Moscow. heh.
bB made a little surprise for me, where he asked Fareez to specially deliver a birthday cake for me. So he sang happy birthday and I cut the cake while skyping at 8pm Moscow time and 12 am Malaysian time. Yeah.. That's long distance for you I supposed. huhu.. He had to sleep early because he had to work. So we celebrated my birthday according to Malaysian time. huhu.
Since my hostel is doing re-wiring, and currently their re-wiring my floor. So, I'm staying at my Sasha's room for a week. So she and her blockmates made pancake for me, and we had another candle-blowing-birthday celebration at 12 midnight Moscow time. hehe...
And OH! My mom made this really cute card for me! It's really cute!!! My mom always has been very creative. How else would she be so awesome at her job, right?! ^_^
Isn't it cute?! ^_^
Well, this year's celebration is small but quite special too. Even though we're far apart, we're always have each other's hearts. I miss you all! :')
PS: Still waiting for my sister's card to arrive. She made a card for me too! ^_^
Thursday, January 5, 2012
"I do, dont I?"
I'm tired of everyone asking when I'm gonna say "I do". It's not that I don't want to sit on the pelamin and be thrown with bunga rampai and perfume water. It's just that I am just not ready to take that big step.
It feels scary to me.
Yeah, I was all out for it 5 years ago. It was in one of my wishlist to be married at 25. Try searching the post in the archive 4 or 5 years ago, I'm sure you'll find it.
I'll be 25 in less than 2 weeks and I am scared as hell to get married and I'm so tired hearing people asking me, "so, when is your turn?, when's your big day?". I think all my single and in a relationship friends are going through the same thing as me. I don't know who gets it harder, the single ones or the in a relationship ones.
I see my friends getting engaged, getting married like its so easy to do. So why is so hard for me? It's the same feeling when people ask me "when are you going to wear hijab?" yerp. the same exact feeling. When I just feel like running away every time people ask me that. Yeah, I've been with the same guy for almost 5 years now, but I see relationships go wrong even after 10 years together. Yeah yeah. Don't you people start with me about the relationships because of Allah swt and the right path.
Like this couple did
I'm not them.
So I've summed up why I don't want to get married (yet).
It feels scary to me.
Yeah, I was all out for it 5 years ago. It was in one of my wishlist to be married at 25. Try searching the post in the archive 4 or 5 years ago, I'm sure you'll find it.
I'll be 25 in less than 2 weeks and I am scared as hell to get married and I'm so tired hearing people asking me, "so, when is your turn?, when's your big day?". I think all my single and in a relationship friends are going through the same thing as me. I don't know who gets it harder, the single ones or the in a relationship ones.
I see my friends getting engaged, getting married like its so easy to do. So why is so hard for me? It's the same feeling when people ask me "when are you going to wear hijab?" yerp. the same exact feeling. When I just feel like running away every time people ask me that. Yeah, I've been with the same guy for almost 5 years now, but I see relationships go wrong even after 10 years together. Yeah yeah. Don't you people start with me about the relationships because of Allah swt and the right path.
Like this couple did
I'm not them.
So I've summed up why I don't want to get married (yet).
- Everytime we fight, we break up. Like how is that supposed to make me feel secured when we're married. Don't fight? yeah. like that's going to work. So every time we fight we'll ask for divorce? How does it work? Do we feel differently when we're married, because divorce are such a hassle, do we just break up while we're married and then get back together? LOL! I can't seem to find that security from him yet. Every time I cry, he leaves. I just can't stand that.
- Both of us can't decide where we'll be staying after marriage. I mean, I want to stay in Kuantan of course but he doesn't want to stay near the mother in law, and I don't want to stay in Johor!! KL is ok, but my heart still says Kuantan.
- The ceremony will be tiring. Yeah, I wish I want a small wedding, a true Islamic wedding but I'm sure my mom won't allow it. You see, my family is big, REALLY BIG. My grandfather on my father's side has 4 wives and 20 children and my mom has 9 siblings. So you can imagine. Plus my parents are upper class people, so they have reputation. I really doubt they'd go for a wedding in the mosque.
- The truth is, I just don't think I'm ready to be a wife. Not until my bB let go of the things he wants me to be, but accept me. I can't stand his bickering of me not covering my hair, although the topic has stopped for quite some time now, I'm sure it'll resurface soon. Maybe I'll get married once I'm ready to wear hijab. haha.. I'm praying every day that I'll open my heart to His religion, but I just can't take it when other people keep asking me to do it.
When the time comes, it'll come. Only Allah knows. InsyaAllah, I won't stray. ;)
Note to self: Kenapa susah sangat nak buat pahala? Kalau hati tak ikhlas pun tak guna rasanya...
I'll get married, when he can stand in front of me and watch me cry when I'm upset.
I'll get married, when he can stand in front of me and watch me cry when I'm upset.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Better Together
We're back together again (sort of). Yeah. So typical of us.
I'm still a bit pissed at him for leaving me alone for a week though. PLUS! he laughed at my previous post. grrrrrrrrr~
I asked him to "declare" his love for me again. He did. I denied it. I don't wanna be with someone who kept breaking up every time a fight comes up. (sort of). :-P
His status with me is "in a relationship". My status is "it's complicated". It's always complicated. Don't tell me relationships are not complicated.
blergghh.
Lagi skali dia mintak break up. Aku break up betul2! Nasib baik sayang. >.<
I'm still a bit pissed at him for leaving me alone for a week though. PLUS! he laughed at my previous post. grrrrrrrrr~
I asked him to "declare" his love for me again. He did. I denied it. I don't wanna be with someone who kept breaking up every time a fight comes up. (sort of). :-P
His status with me is "in a relationship". My status is "it's complicated". It's always complicated. Don't tell me relationships are not complicated.
blergghh.
Lagi skali dia mintak break up. Aku break up betul2! Nasib baik sayang. >.<
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Gimme A Sign
It's been a week now. I've not cooled down. I actually feel more pissed than ever! I'm not even sure if he's serious about breaking up or not. Because he changed his profile picture of us two in Rome with a very sweet caption. So basically, I'm wondering,
Usually, after a fight, he'll let me be until he has cooled down or until I gave him a sign. Usually, I'm the one who goes back to him. So right now, within this week, I haven't exactly posted anything on Facebook that gives any sign that he can say 'hi' to me nor have I greet him in any way (chat, message, sms or even call). I just act like nothing ever happened. I'm doing my work like normal. Nothing's bothering me. I just want to see how much he actually cares about me, about this relationship.
Obviously I'm confused. Because he broke up with me. And then, he posted a profile picture of US.
I can't say 'hi' to him first. He was the one who dumped me!! I see him online all the time and I didn't even appear offline like I usually do whenever I'm pissed at him. So, what more sign does he actually need? Seriously, what does he think I am? A puppy? A doll? A freakin' cyborg??? sheeesh~!
For him to let me be alone and pissed for A WEEK says that he just doesn't care anymore for this relationship, but a profile picture of US??? wtf dude? get on with it. Why are you so freaking CONFUSING?!! Trying to make me piss off another week. That's so typically you.
S.A.J.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?
Usually, after a fight, he'll let me be until he has cooled down or until I gave him a sign. Usually, I'm the one who goes back to him. So right now, within this week, I haven't exactly posted anything on Facebook that gives any sign that he can say 'hi' to me nor have I greet him in any way (chat, message, sms or even call). I just act like nothing ever happened. I'm doing my work like normal. Nothing's bothering me. I just want to see how much he actually cares about me, about this relationship.
Obviously I'm confused. Because he broke up with me. And then, he posted a profile picture of US.
I can't say 'hi' to him first. He was the one who dumped me!! I see him online all the time and I didn't even appear offline like I usually do whenever I'm pissed at him. So, what more sign does he actually need? Seriously, what does he think I am? A puppy? A doll? A freakin' cyborg??? sheeesh~!
For him to let me be alone and pissed for A WEEK says that he just doesn't care anymore for this relationship, but a profile picture of US??? wtf dude? get on with it. Why are you so freaking CONFUSING?!! Trying to make me piss off another week. That's so typically you.
S.A.J.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
When your hormones goes ups and downs.
When everything else fails, and I keep on crying, you'd make it worst by saying "Let's just break up" and hangs up the phone.
How I wish you would just DROP EVERYTHING that you're doing and JUST PAY YOUR ATTENTION to me. All I want is just you and me always,
Give me affection,
I need your perfection..
I'm always 2nd to your everything. I should accept that by now. I really should. It's has been 4 years. But I can't. Because it's not fair.
I know why you can't stand that I cried. I know why you walk away or shut the door or hang up the phone every time tears welled up my cheeks. You can't stand the fact that you're a FAILURE. FAILURE TO ME.
You said, lets continue this another time, I asked you "WHEN? WHEN WILL YOU HAVE TIME? WHEN?!" and YOU SAID, "LET'S JUST BREAK UP" every time things get tough between us. Like it is the easiest thing in the world to do. When you can't figure out what I want, when you can't make the tears stop. It breaks my heart every time, but most time the words don't even have meaning for me anymore. Because you always come back. And I always accept you back.
I wish you knew, all I wanted was you. And I can see that you just can't give me you. You asked me to understand your situations, but you don't understand OUR situation. MY SITUATION.
How I wish you would just DROP EVERYTHING that you're doing and JUST PAY YOUR ATTENTION to me. All I want is just you and me always,
Give me affection,
I need your perfection..
I'm always 2nd to your everything. I should accept that by now. I really should. It's has been 4 years. But I can't. Because it's not fair.
I know why you can't stand that I cried. I know why you walk away or shut the door or hang up the phone every time tears welled up my cheeks. You can't stand the fact that you're a FAILURE. FAILURE TO ME.
You said, lets continue this another time, I asked you "WHEN? WHEN WILL YOU HAVE TIME? WHEN?!" and YOU SAID, "LET'S JUST BREAK UP" every time things get tough between us. Like it is the easiest thing in the world to do. When you can't figure out what I want, when you can't make the tears stop. It breaks my heart every time, but most time the words don't even have meaning for me anymore. Because you always come back. And I always accept you back.
I wish you knew, all I wanted was you. And I can see that you just can't give me you. You asked me to understand your situations, but you don't understand OUR situation. MY SITUATION.
Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan...
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan...
Maybe you'll come back like always when you've cool down. Maybe you won't. Maybe I'll be here like always. Maybe I won't.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Citarasa
My cousin asked me if I have any single friends to match-make with one of her friends. So I gave a few names with their facebook profile.
After a while she said, 'better with no tudung(hijab)'. I LOLed. I mean like, really?
I wonder why is it so important about the girl's attire. Whether she wears a hijab or not. Even for my brother (the older one). He likes girls with no hijab. When asked "why?", he said he doesn't like girl with curly hair. So, he's like, "if she covers her hair, how would I know if she has curly or straight hair?".. Right. what if she straightened her hair?? hrmmm...
Well, anyway. I see that not all guys like and want girls who cover their hair. Or maybe they're like mine. Being with a free-hair girl, and kept asking, "when are you going to cover your hair?". That is just so freaking annoying. But I don't think my bro is like that. He never said anything to my mom about her not wearing hijab even though she's 50 years old.
Whatever said, men are shallow. Doesn't matter if the girl is covering her hair or not. In the end, all they want is a pretty face. And later find out, that you need a pretty heart to go along with it too. Pretty face first though. Never the heart. Then when the girl breaks his heart. tadaaaa.. yeah. That's what you get for being shallow. cheers~
GUYS ARE ANNOYING. nuff said.
After a while she said, 'better with no tudung(hijab)'. I LOLed. I mean like, really?
I wonder why is it so important about the girl's attire. Whether she wears a hijab or not. Even for my brother (the older one). He likes girls with no hijab. When asked "why?", he said he doesn't like girl with curly hair. So, he's like, "if she covers her hair, how would I know if she has curly or straight hair?".. Right. what if she straightened her hair?? hrmmm...
Well, anyway. I see that not all guys like and want girls who cover their hair. Or maybe they're like mine. Being with a free-hair girl, and kept asking, "when are you going to cover your hair?". That is just so freaking annoying. But I don't think my bro is like that. He never said anything to my mom about her not wearing hijab even though she's 50 years old.
GUYS ARE ANNOYING. nuff said.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Once a Century
It's that date that everyone wants to make it into something special.
Nothing special for me though. Although, I got a cheque from bB for RM1111.11! Weeeeee! (He's paying back the loan I gave him. bayaran hutang ye kawan2. bukan wang tunang, bukan wang hantaran nikah, bukan nak beli cinta, bukan saje2. Bf saya tak cop duit. tapi ada extra bonus ah sbb dia nak bagi nombor cantik :-P)
And also today is my groupmate Sasha's birthday! So we had a little celebration at Daigon after class with Shantina and Anusya. Lovely place with excellent food! Yummmm... ;)
Also.. We're gonna have a "cake cutting ceremony" at 11:11 PM tonight at her place. Awesome. ;D
Nothing special for me though. Although, I got a cheque from bB for RM1111.11! Weeeeee! (He's paying back the loan I gave him. bayaran hutang ye kawan2. bukan wang tunang, bukan wang hantaran nikah, bukan nak beli cinta, bukan saje2. Bf saya tak cop duit. tapi ada extra bonus ah sbb dia nak bagi nombor cantik :-P)
And also today is my groupmate Sasha's birthday! So we had a little celebration at Daigon after class with Shantina and Anusya. Lovely place with excellent food! Yummmm... ;)
Also.. We're gonna have a "cake cutting ceremony" at 11:11 PM tonight at her place. Awesome. ;D
Saturday, October 1, 2011
LDR
LDR, bukan Light Dependent Resistor ye. Long Distance Relationship. ;P ok.. lawak bodoh..
I hate that we're far apart.
I hate that he's always seem so busy or make himself busy just so he can past the time without me.
I hate not knowing what he's doing at the moment.
I hate that he doesn't ask me how I'm doing.
I hate when he asks me to keep myself busy too.
I hate when we're on skype and he's chatting with someone else.
I hate the fact that he doesn't divide his time for me.
I hate that he doesn't know how to make up with me on line or on the phone.
I hate that when he feels like leaving, he just leaves especially when I'm upset with him.
I hate that he doesn't tell me about anything!!!!!
Oh God! I feel like strangling him! grrrrrrr... >.< I don't understand what is it that is so hard to comply to my needs! I JUST WANT SOME ATTENTION.. AND I'M NOT GETTING ANY! Our timing has always been off and it's even worse now! because it's morning when it's midnight, and it's afternoon when it's maghrib.. I hate this..
9 more months.. Just 9 more months..
I hate that we're far apart.
I hate that he's always seem so busy or make himself busy just so he can past the time without me.
I hate not knowing what he's doing at the moment.
I hate that he doesn't ask me how I'm doing.
I hate when he asks me to keep myself busy too.
I hate when we're on skype and he's chatting with someone else.
I hate the fact that he doesn't divide his time for me.
I hate that he doesn't know how to make up with me on line or on the phone.
I hate that when he feels like leaving, he just leaves especially when I'm upset with him.
I hate that he doesn't tell me about anything!!!!!
Oh God! I feel like strangling him! grrrrrrr... >.< I don't understand what is it that is so hard to comply to my needs! I JUST WANT SOME ATTENTION.. AND I'M NOT GETTING ANY! Our timing has always been off and it's even worse now! because it's morning when it's midnight, and it's afternoon when it's maghrib.. I hate this..
9 more months.. Just 9 more months..
"I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing"
Sunday, May 15, 2011
BAD HAIR DAY!
So he's been bugging me to get my fringe trim and offered to do so. So I say to myself, well, why not? I trust him enough.
IT ENDED UP LIKE THIS!!!
AND HE BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING! my blunt scissors, me distracting him! WTF?!! IT'S MY HAIR!!!
WHY AM I GETTING THE BLAME?!?!
gahhhhhh!! now I have to clip my fringe everyday. and I hate hairclips.. T.T
IT ENDED UP LIKE THIS!!!
AND HE BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING! my blunt scissors, me distracting him! WTF?!! IT'S MY HAIR!!!
WHY AM I GETTING THE BLAME?!?!
gahhhhhh!! now I have to clip my fringe everyday. and I hate hairclips.. T.T
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