Feeling Lost

Some days I wanna quit this dayjob of mine so bad and find something I really love doing and don't mind the stress. I want to find my passion and feel the happiness again.

I really miss my life in Moscow. It was hectic and sometimes stressful especially when you're dealing with the university or when the foreign students welfare is not met but somehow I had time to find the things I love doing. I could find time to actually read on things. Nowadays I can't even finish a single book. I can't even remember the last time I finished a novel. Can't even remember the last title of the book I "read".

I can't even remember the last time I opened the Quran, let alone reading the translation. I used to had so much time. So much time for myself.

Some days I feel severely depressed. I can't find my happiness in my job. I can't find the love in this job. But then, I don't know what else to do if I actually decide to quit this job.

I hate doing business. I don't know how to make money from my blog. I don't know how to do marketing. What else can I do?

Every day I chant to myself, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah. May He gives me happiness in this "so-called" noble job of mine. May he leads me to the right path. InsyaAllah, I'm sure everything will get better. I just have to believe in myself.

I don't know why I'm so depressed.
😞

New Place, New Life, and The Uncertainties.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of uncertainty. I hate going to new places. 

I remember curling up on the floor the day after I received my SPM results and had to make decisions on where I am going. I remember thinking I hate growing up. I remember thinking I hate to cross that line, that uncertainty.

Nonetheless, as Ellice Grey would say it - the carousel never stop turning. I have to endure it anyway, and so far I have been surviving. Had a great time along the way too.

I have been posted to Hospital Enche Besar Hajjah Khalsom in Kluang, Johor. New place, new environment, new colleague. I hate the part where I am the only "junior" MO. I am alone. That's just the worst of all. I hope I won't get bullied. I hope my colleague are great. I just really hope the best for myself. 

I am always alone somehow. I entered matriculation alone. I went to Russia alone. I entered Selayang Hospital alone. Alone as in no one I knew came with me. After my 2nd posting during housemanship, I practically entered every department alone. Sighh...

Yeah, you can say it's some sort a sad situation but I make a lot of friends a long the way. I really hope this time it will be the same. 

Wish me luck as a medical MO. I am terrified out of my brain right now! *cries*

Have I Sinned?

Sometimes, I get flashbacks of my patients that has passed. Mostly I thought the ones that died because of my incompetence and carelessness in my judgement.

They said you're not a good doctor if you never killed anyone.

But have I sinned? Killing is a sin. Some days I wonder. If my incompentence and carelessness cause them death. Is it a sin?

It's bad thinking about it. Sometimes the guilt is just too overwhelming. Although most of the time they were unexpected. Like you never thought the outcome would be that way because patient was so well until you gave one medication that was supposed to be contraindicated.

I really feel sad for him. He and his wife waited for hours in the emergency department. If only the surgical team had reviewed him earlier. I don't want to blame anyone. Wished I had better judgement that day. It's already almost 6 months had pass since the incident yet I'm still having difficulties forgetting that moment. I felt guilty because they waited for hours in the emergency department and he ended up dead. I felt guilty for his wife that waited beside him. I just really felt guilty. He seemed so well when he came.

I am so sorry.

Dear Allah, I hope you forgive me.
Dear uncle and auntie and the rest of your family, I hope you forgive me too.

Leave A Little Sparkle Wherever You Go

"There's no reason to look back when you have so much to look forward to"

Spiderweb

Bersawang dah blog ni. I'm so sorry to my readers.

Currently in my last posting - Orthopaedics. Seriously can't believe it. Almost surviving my housemanship.
I hope I'll have time to make this blog as active as it used to be.
Too busy with my wedding. Too busy with my day job.
Trying to get my passion for blogging back.
Wanna travel again soon.

I went to Yellowcard concert last week. I think I'll update that soon.

Later.
When I have time.
Sigh. Time....


#prayformalaysia

Career path

The more I stay in this career path, the more I hate this job.

There is not one day that I haven't thought of quitting from becoming a doctor.

Annoyed

Annoying people are just annoying.
Don't think you'd know what other's are experiencing if you never experienced them yourselves.
Just shut up.
Just because all the bosses like you. Just because you're smart, doesn't mean you can be a leader.
5 postings, not once you've held a title to do the roster.
Not once anyone voted for you to become the HO leader, and yet you kept telling me how to do my job.
This is the second time I've held the title HO leader. This is the second time I'm doing the roster.
Don't you think they'd let me be the leader again if they didn't think I could do it?
Heh.

*Okay, Anna, no need to brag.

Wedding Jitters

I think bB is getting a little bit over stressed about the wedding. Especially when everything I like seems to be over RM1000+

I am in love with this designer Arma Abd Rahman Wedding Couture but the price! OMG.. I could just faint. Although, most wedding couture prices ranges about the same. But bB seem to disagree with me to spend too much for a wedding dress. And I need 3 wedding dresses. T_T

So for now, I gave up on searching for a tailor. I'm just going to ask my mom to find me a good and not-so-expensive tailor with (hopefully) a good workmanship for my wedding dresses.

Then I started searching for a make up artist. Took me almost a week of searching, from Google to Facebook to Instagram. So I found this lady, Lin Elier whose workmanship is so natural and so lovely and so gorgeous and then I found out she's charging RM1000 per session and my heart just breaks. Later I found out it's the same make up artist that did Farisa's reception. So pretty okay!!

My heart just kept breaking every time I start searching for my wedding things.

The problem with me is I want it grand, or at least look grand. Every one said it wouldn't matter, but it matters to me. I want to be satisfied. I don't want to regret anything later. If only money wasn't the problem.

Sigh...

Neither Rich, Neither Poor, But It Wasn't Easy.

It is wrong to show happiness? Is it wrong to share that happiness?

I don't know what other people are going through, but let me tell you how it was for me growing up.

My mother was an independent woman. I mean seriously, a super woman. She does everything and I mean EVERYTHING. She works, she cooks, she sends me and my siblings to school/tuition classes/islamic classes/ballet classes/football/etc (you name it), she does the groceries, pay the bills, pay the house, just literally EVERYTHING.

My dad? He appears once in a while in the picture and I don't want to go into that.

Anyway, growing up especially during primary school I used to hate my mother. I love her, but sometimes I was just so angry at her. Angry at how she was working all the time and I was craving for the attention. When I was in Secondary school, I saw my sister was going through the same thing, but if I see it differently, she spends more time with us than any working mother could have ever done. I mean, how can you be working and send your children to school at the same time? Then send us again to where ever we wanted to go. Even to malls on weekend!

I hated the day I had my driving licence. It just means, I can go anywhere I want by myself now. Mean, I'll have less time with mother. Sometimes the only time we had was in the car when she's sending me somewhere. Until she had to say, "just please help me out, I do EVERYTHING, now you can mobilize, just help me a little". After that, I just had to accept that I had to be responsible.

It wasn't an easy life, but it was a disaster either. It was comfortable, but definitely wasn't easy. To get where we are now. I don't know how my mother does it. We're don't own millions, but one thing she says, "never show people how hard your life is". Because whatever that happens in your life is because of Allah s.w.t. All you can do is pray hard, work hard and hope that whatever comes to you, you just have to make the best out of it. And yet, I get to be a doctor, my brother is a geologist, another brother in UK completing engineering and my sister just finished SPM.

Even the time when my mother had lost every single cent that she owns, somehow me managed to pull through. I remember that time my brother was in college and he had gotten so thin. When my mother visited him, he said he hadn't eaten for a week and just drank tap water. *Okay, I can't hold my tears*
It was so hard at that time. I had to fork out my study allowance to support them. Some days I had to do extra business to get some pocket money. But even with that situation, I still can do things that I want. I was still able to travel, and shop and well, do whatever I wanted while I was in Moscow.

We never told how hard our lives was at that point of time. People see me travel, and having fun in Moscow, they think I wasn't helping my mother. They think me and my siblings were ignoring my mother and let her drown in her own problems. I know I can't help her much, all I can help was trying to make our family survive and what else would they expect us to do? We're a bunch of kids! And if I know my mother, I know she wouldn't use our money to solve her problems.

I don't want to tell the world how my life is. I know there are other people whose lives are harder than mine, but I just want to tell that we didn't had an easy life. Not like what other people portrays our lives.

From this situation, I learnt that the only way you can get out of your problems is if Allah s.w.t helps you and to get to the point where He helps you, is where you have to accept all the trouble and hardship. Not trying to get people's attention or blame someone else for the misery that you have.

Somehow at the time where we had no money. Literally NO MONEY, there were always somewhere, somehow, out of nowhere came the money. Somehow, Saddam still got to go to UK with MARA sponsorship, Lokman graduated, I graduated, and Nabilla finished high school. Well, what more can a mother ask for? Orang kata, rezeki.... Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, we're still surviving. My mother still has her business. Me and Lokman are already working now, so I think it should be easier for her.

And to those people, I hope they can see, that if we don't want to help them, we could have just ran away and live overseas. But we're still here, and I hope that they can be patient. I hope that they can see that the money is Allah's and not ours. If Allah s.w.t decide that the money should be taken away, who are we to argue?

Wallahualam.

For whatever misfit that happened in our lives, I am still grateful for this life Allah s.w.t gave to us, because without those misfit I don't think we could get closer to Him and to each other and I don't think we would know the people's true colour.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Oh Mother, I don't know how you do it. I just wish I could be half of who you are.

Extension, is it a bad thing?

I got a threat from my specialist that I might get extended..



Shit...

Lets just hope he was kidding.

Where is my heart?

I'm struggling to find back my passion towards medicine. I used to love it so much. I mean, I still love medicine, but when I am back from work, all I can about is sleep. Even when I am at work, all I can think about is sleep. I WANT SLEEP.

I am lacking in so many things. My supervisors don't think I'm improving. I don't know if I still have that confidence or strength to go on. I don't let my parents know about it, though.

I still wake up at 5 a.m, to be at work by 6 a.m. At times I get to work by 7 a.m because I overslept and I won't have time to review all my patients by 8.30 am, and I get scolded for not knowing my patient's progress or when I forgot to fill in their latest blood results or when I mixed up my patients. And they say "potong 1 jam gaji" because I woke up late. And they'll say "You know, during my time as a houseman I took care of 28 patients!" I understand that, and I am severely impressed by how they did it! Anyway, I never went back on time. I always end up staying 1 or 2 hours later anyway but I won't get that extra pay. They should know right? Even they don't always go back on time either.

By the time I got back, I never open my books. I don't have the mood, because all I want is SLEEP. My precious precious sleep. I want 12 hours of sleep.

The cycle goes on, and I get scolded for not knowing the pathology of a disease or the aetiology or the common symptoms. I get scolded because I never revised at home. Yes, 7 years of med school and I still can't remember what bacterias cause Pneumonia. heh. 5 months of holiday, I didn't even open any books. So, yeah.

I just don't know what will happen. Everyone said it'll get better, but will it really? With my current situation, no one says I'm improving, and I don't even have that feeling where I want to prove them wrong.....

Anyway, apart from my depression. We found the perfect engagement ring for me! Finally!!! Although, we have to order a new size which will take a month. My fingers are too small.. The ring is very simple, so don't expect anything fancy. heee.. =)

A Quater Of A Decade + 1 Year

So, my birthday was last week. It fell on the 16th of January (REMEMBER THIS DATE!)

I took a day off on that day. Because, I really don't want to be working on my birthday. Thank God the leave was approved! I have been spending 7 years of my birthday preparing for exam!

If it's not an exam day, the exam is probably the day after. I remember 2011's birthday, exam week, and I was super sick. bB came with his friends and surprised me. Most memorable birthday I must say.

This year, I didn't get to spend it with my family. Because it was a weekday. bB came down from Muar to celebrate the day with me.

He picked me up after I finished work, waited for me to get ready and he treated me with dinner at Tony Roma's. I have never been to Tony Roma's before, coz Kuantan doesn't have any Tony Roma's branches. So, the main specialty is the RIBS! I made a mistake of ordering a burger, while I know the ribs are the main attraction. bB ordered the Lamb Ribs. The burger wasn't that good though. HRC's burger is still the best. But the ribs, Oh My God! Seriously, one plate is not enough! They were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo goooooooooooooooooooooooood!!!! Even their mash potatoes were EXCELLENT!

The drink was too sweet!

 My onion burger!

Fantastic ribs!

Talking about it, I feel like going there now!! Their price are a bit pricey, but it was all worth it. Yum, yum, yum...... =9

 Enjoying the food! A friend said I look like an "aunty"!! 

Few months ago, another friend said I look like a young mother. 

Oh NO!!! Is it a hint I should be married now?

Me and my love

After we had finished, I saw bB talking with the waiters. It didn't click in my head that he was telling them that it's my birthday. Anyway, they came with a cake and a candle and sang "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" for me. Haha....

I got a free dessert! I don't have the picture with the cake. It's in bB's iPhone.. = (

Then, we spent the night hanging out at Tasik Titiwangsa before heading home. I was dead tired, plus the ribs was making me feel very sleepy.

The next day, we went out shopping and searching for an engagement ring. Couldn't find the ones we like yet. We found the ring for Nikah though, but decided to KIV for now. Maybe we'll find other rings that we like, since Nikah is still a long way to go. A bit disappointed that all the ones that I like is above our budget. So, we still have to find THE ring for the engagement.

And we spent the night watching Here Come The Boom at the cinema. Hehe...

I was working the next day. And I feel like telling the mommies, that their newborns has the same birthday as me! Too excited. I was not over about my birthday.

That night, I got to spend my last night with bB before he went back to Muar.

We went and watch another movie.

 Colourful water fountains in KLCC

Well, that was basically it. My 26th birthday.

Me at 26

Thank you bB for coming all the way up to KL! I really appreciate it! ♥

For Heaven's Sake, I'm Freaking 25!!!

Why is it when you're staying at your parent's house you're bound to their rules? I can't go anywhere without telling them. There's also the fact, I don't have a car and can't afford to have one yet. I can't go anywhere without my mother. I can't do MY STUFFS. I can't go and meet my boyfriend. I can't just freaking do MY THINGS! I can't leave my room messy, I can't leave my bathroom messy, I can't cook what I want, I can't wake up in the afternoon, I can't be seen sleeping in the afternoon, I just freaking can't.....

For heaven's sake, I'm 25 years old! 26 in 3 months! I've been almost everywhere in Europe. I went out partying and came back at 7 am in the morning on every New Year's eve. I spent every single day with my boyfriend for 5 years! EVERY SINGLE DAY for almost 1826 days. Now I can't even get permission to see my own soon-to-be fiance! I didn't even asked for permission. I just said my plan, and she immediately said "NO! TAK PAYAH NAK MENGADA".

I am having 2nd thoughts about working and staying at my parents place. Eventhough I'll be saving a lot of money but I feel like appealing to work somewhere other than Kuantan. I feel like going away again, if this continues. I am THIS close (putting my thumb and index finger 1 cm apart) THIS close to rebelling. Although, I'm not 18 anymore and that would make look like such a child. Sighhhhhhh...... I just want to run away somewhere.

I want my freedom back.

And I've been spending only one month at home and I'm already feeling like this...

Other than that, my interview will be conducted on the 17th of October. Do wish me luck! I have not prepared anything yet. Well, maybe just about 5%. I do hope everything goes well! InsyaAllah.

Posts on my UK trip will have to wait for awhile. Do be patient. I won't abandon my travelling experience! I hope I'll have the mood and time to write!

How do I do this?

I don't tend to ignore a person, but every time I get friendly, boys tend to get the wrong idea. 

Every time we talk, I'd tell him about my boyfriend, and I can see that he doesn't like hearing about it, but he must've known I'm not giving any positive feedback to him. 

I don't understand why he's still trying. I told him not to call me 'dear' or 'love'. I've ignored him multiple times. I didn't even give him my phone number, even when he gave me mine. I've gave multiple reasons not to meet him.

I can't stand how he's always telling me how sweet I am, how cute I am, how pretty I am. Oh, it's so not me! I know I'm not sweet. I might have a sweet smile though. And I'm not THAT pretty. It's so annoying when guys try to get your attention by telling you how beautiful your physical is without truly actually knowing you. But I don't want him to know me. I just don't want to get near him.

I know guys won't be friend with girls if they don't have a slightest hope that the girl will be theirs. Unless he's a childhood friend who considers the relationship like brother and sister.

Some guys are charming, and that's a talent. I like guys who don't show that he likes the girl. That doesn't make it too obvious. Who just sneaks in and steal my heart. I think you all know who that is. ;)

But oh my God! This guy is not giving up!!! Until one time I actually  had to set "appear offline" to this guy because I just don't have time to chat about silly, empty things. If it's not important, don't buzz me, don't say 'hi', don't ask me what I am doing currently. It's none of your importance. Even my own boyfriend doesn't buzz me or call me every single day. I like that space.

I just hope he's like all the other guys that tried to hit on me. I just hope it's just a phase and they'll move on and ignore me. It's not like I don't like the attention. I love it, I love to know that I still have a price in the 'market', but right now the only attention I'm craving from is my boyfriend. 

I really don't know how to say 'no' to him without breaking his heart. Because breaking a guy's heart has too many consequences. Even though it's not even my fault. Who the hell asked him to play with fire or to let himself drown in something that won't even be possible? He told me he's not hitting on me, but he's just trying to get to know me better. Yeah, right. Why do you want to know me better? hrmmm...

Unconvinced

SO there's this girl in my batch in uni. I've never really been close to her and I find her to be a little loopy most of the time. She's 27 or 28 (I think?), very chubby and had a lot of sickness. One of it is Hypertension. I can't really believe that she has hypertension at her current age! She hasn't reached her 30's and she has this disease!

Anyway, she's been promoting this weight loss/health product called ALPHA LIPID on Facebook. The thing is.... I really don't know how to say this. If you want to promote something, surely you'll need some kind of positive result and feedback from YOURSELF first before you start promoting to other people. I don't know what kind of marketing skills she's using but it's currently somehow annoyed me. I mean, I didn't see any positive result on her when I met her last Sunday on our 2nd convocation in Putrajaya. And she didn't tell people how long she took it before her health and body weight starts to improved.

All I know is, she added me on this group page she created on Alpha Lipid and I left that group page immediately as well as untagged myself from all of her photo "ads". Most of all, I felt somewhat embarrassed and humiliated that she thinks I needed to lose weight! 

I think I'm going to comment on her Facebook timeline to put of a picture of her "before" and "after". Heh..

She should really learn from Raihanna on marketing skills. Just looked at how she promoted HERBALIFE (check out her blog). I mean, she started promoting Herbalife the moment there's an immense improvement on HER health, weight and skin. Not just by other people's positive feedback. Plus, she didn't add anyone to a group or tagged people to promote her stuffs! Even I feel like buying Herbalife after reading her blog and Facebook posts!

Delusional in Me

I keep telling myself it's the distance, it's just in my head. How do I tell the person about things that I shouldn't have find out. I want my trust not to be broken and I want to be the person who can be trusted. I keep reminding myself, we are just merely humans. Maybe it's just a mistake. I hope it is nothing more than just a mistake. A mistake waiting to happen, and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want a broken promise, or a broken heart.

Is there space for mistakes, now? Sigh. I wish I wasn't so curious. True, that they say curiosity killed the cat.

If you're wondering, it's not me I'm worried about.

Since February my mind has been drifting back and forth about this. Although it's not constant, but how can I be sure? And though the person acted trustworthy, can I put all my trust in this person?

Note to self: Yang pergi menggatal bukak malam before exam tu kenapa? kan daaahhhhhhhh... PADAN MUKA!! T_T

Arghhhhhhh!!! WHERE'S YOUR FOCUS, ANNA?!! TOMORROW'S EXAM!!! 

MY FINALS OF ALL FINALS STARTS TOMORROW. Wish me luck will you? =S

If happy ever after did exist

I wish I did not care about you 

as much as I do now..
I wish I did not care about

all the things that you've said..

I wish I could ignore my feelings

I wish I could ignore YOU..

Last Day with Dr. T

Today was the last day of class with Dr. T. We'll only see him again on Wednesday for the 1st part of Therapy Exam. So sad. ='( Maybe we'll meet him again during electives and 2nd part of exam in June, but still.. It's so sad. We had so much fun with him. Not to mention the sugar rush we got every single day! >.<

So we took a few photos with him before we parted.

The beetle among the roses? hehe

"peace!"

Isn't he adorable? haha.. 

Kumar didn't attend class, that's why he's missing from the group pictures. But I think the picture turned out great! I really like the last picture. ;)

We bought a gift for him, and we gave it to him just now. He looked surprised when Sasha suddenly got up to get the gift from the cupboard. When we pass the gift to him he was holding it like he was afraid someone was going to take it away. Haha! He's such a funny guy.. 

We are so blessed to be able to spend 4 and 1/2 weeks with him. Hopefully he'll keep his promise and contact us if he ever visits Malaysia. ;)

Let us prepare for Dr. T withdrawal syndrome now! and I better get to studying for the exam now! >_<"

Sugar High

Dr T had to go somewhere today and tomorrow, so he'll be missing our class for 2 days.. or maybe Wednesday too he said but he hoped, he'll make it on Wednesday. Not so sure where he went though.

Today, only me and Za went to class. We went into the office room to keep our bags and shoes. When we opened the cupboard, sheets of papers with a piece of post-it noted "For you to read" pasted on the papers. Me and Za were like "Awwwwww....." Why does he has to be so sweet? Ok, I know I'm over acting it. I know they're just medical journals but it's not easy to get a cute, male or even any teacher as sweet and caring as him in Moscow.

Sir, do you really need to be so romantic?

I swear, by the end of this 5 weeks, either we get a super high sugar high or diabetes! If only you know him like we do. Then you wouldn't even think I'm over-exaggerating about him. ;-P

How in the world does he even able to make us go "Aww", even when he's not around? =)

Vernal Equinox

Dr. T was quite busy today. Our class was interrupted numerous times by phone calls, as well as interns and patients calling him.

I couldn't take it today when Dr. T said "Give me 5 minutes, and I'm all yours".

My heart just melted. *blush* Of course, he meant the whole class.

How are you supposed to miss class, when there's something sweet is happening everyday?

I sense another withdrawal symptoms coming in this weekend. Oh no!

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So, it has been exactly 10 days since the Earth shifted to Vernal Equinox which supposed to mean it's SPRING. But as you all know, we had quite a long autumn this year. It properly snowed in mid January, and lowest point of temperature which usually falls in January, fell in mid February. I wouldn't be surprised if the snow melts only in May. Hopefully, early May or at least late April.

I hate this weather. It snows, then it melts, then it snows again. Today the temperature went above zero, and my God! It was so annoying! They weren't exactly slushes, but not exactly snow either. It was raining + snow. It was wet and slippery at the same time. Urgh! Did I tell you how much I hate this weather! >.<"

I took this video 3 days ago. It was sunny in the morning, and sudden heavy snow fell in the afternoon. I took this while I was cooking lunch after class. Gave me quite a shock because before I went into the hostel, the sun was still shining. I'll never get the weather here. Seriously.