New Place, New Life, and The Uncertainties.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of uncertainty. I hate going to new places. 

I remember curling up on the floor the day after I received my SPM results and had to make decisions on where I am going. I remember thinking I hate growing up. I remember thinking I hate to cross that line, that uncertainty.

Nonetheless, as Ellice Grey would say it - the carousel never stop turning. I have to endure it anyway, and so far I have been surviving. Had a great time along the way too.

I have been posted to Hospital Enche Besar Hajjah Khalsom in Kluang, Johor. New place, new environment, new colleague. I hate the part where I am the only "junior" MO. I am alone. That's just the worst of all. I hope I won't get bullied. I hope my colleague are great. I just really hope the best for myself. 

I am always alone somehow. I entered matriculation alone. I went to Russia alone. I entered Selayang Hospital alone. Alone as in no one I knew came with me. After my 2nd posting during housemanship, I practically entered every department alone. Sighh...

Yeah, you can say it's some sort a sad situation but I make a lot of friends a long the way. I really hope this time it will be the same. 

Wish me luck as a medical MO. I am terrified out of my brain right now! *cries*

Have I Sinned?

Sometimes, I get flashbacks of my patients that has passed. Mostly I thought the ones that died because of my incompetence and carelessness in my judgement.

They said you're not a good doctor if you never killed anyone.

But have I sinned? Killing is a sin. Some days I wonder. If my incompentence and carelessness cause them death. Is it a sin?

It's bad thinking about it. Sometimes the guilt is just too overwhelming. Although most of the time they were unexpected. Like you never thought the outcome would be that way because patient was so well until you gave one medication that was supposed to be contraindicated.

I really feel sad for him. He and his wife waited for hours in the emergency department. If only the surgical team had reviewed him earlier. I don't want to blame anyone. Wished I had better judgement that day. It's already almost 6 months had pass since the incident yet I'm still having difficulties forgetting that moment. I felt guilty because they waited for hours in the emergency department and he ended up dead. I felt guilty for his wife that waited beside him. I just really felt guilty. He seemed so well when he came.

I am so sorry.

Dear Allah, I hope you forgive me.
Dear uncle and auntie and the rest of your family, I hope you forgive me too.

Wedding Jitters

I think bB is getting a little bit over stressed about the wedding. Especially when everything I like seems to be over RM1000+

I am in love with this designer Arma Abd Rahman Wedding Couture but the price! OMG.. I could just faint. Although, most wedding couture prices ranges about the same. But bB seem to disagree with me to spend too much for a wedding dress. And I need 3 wedding dresses. T_T

So for now, I gave up on searching for a tailor. I'm just going to ask my mom to find me a good and not-so-expensive tailor with (hopefully) a good workmanship for my wedding dresses.

Then I started searching for a make up artist. Took me almost a week of searching, from Google to Facebook to Instagram. So I found this lady, Lin Elier whose workmanship is so natural and so lovely and so gorgeous and then I found out she's charging RM1000 per session and my heart just breaks. Later I found out it's the same make up artist that did Farisa's reception. So pretty okay!!

My heart just kept breaking every time I start searching for my wedding things.

The problem with me is I want it grand, or at least look grand. Every one said it wouldn't matter, but it matters to me. I want to be satisfied. I don't want to regret anything later. If only money wasn't the problem.

Sigh...

Baby's Formula Milk, Is it Necessary?

This thing is bothering my mind so much! I really shouldn't have entered the conversation, it's quite hard to convince stubborn people, and in the end I was just talking nonsense because I wanted to win. Yeah, I can be childish like that, when I get into an argument, but in the end I just left the conversation since it was going no where and no one seem to get my point. Okay, just so you know, this went on in Facebook.

The argument started because the vice PM stated that baby's formula milk is super expensive (some can reach to more than rm100) because the Malaysian Medical Council wants to promote mothers to breastfeed their child. First of all, he stated that the reason was based on MMC's proposal, it wasn't just the government's decision. But somehow that guy that was unhappy with the vice PM's reason said he was being unreasonable for the hike of baby's formula price, and that the reason was just plain typical and making the people look stupid.

I for one, did not disagree with that statement. As far as I know, yes, breastfeeding is not easy. I have seen mothers struggling to give milk to their babies while I was in the Obstetrics department and I'm sure there's no difference with Malaysian mothers.

I can't really tell you the details of the argument, but this guy and some of his friends who are fathers really slammed me. They said, not everyone can afford buying formula, why didn't the government think of those poor people, those hungry babies? One lady commented that only 5% of mothers can't breastfeed. Then he said what if those 5% are among those poor people? I mean, really?

Then another came in, saying what about after the baby is 2 years old. Everyone knows that you should breastfeed your child only until they're 2 years old. Well, that is if you're following the Quran, and you really should, but if you can't afford buying formula, you'd know that breast milk can go on until the baby is 3 years old. And plus, at that age, a kid can probably eat solid food. Is formula really necessary?

I've read an article saying that formula milk is actually the cause of child obesity. I know we'd want our child to grow up healthy but is it necessary? but how does obesity say about health of formula milk anyway?

I for one never took formula milk according to my mother because I was lactose intolerant. All breast milk, and when she was at work, I was fed with just mineral water. After 6 months, I was given fresh milk because I seem to be fine feeding with fresh milk and after 2 years old, I had Milo until I finished primary school. And then I just started to hate milk because it made my tummy feels uncomfortable. I started drinking milk again after I finished school, but I never liked milk anyway. My mother never gave me and my siblings formula milk when we finished our breastfeeding period. She always give FRESH MILK AND MILO. And we grew up pretty healthy, I must say. With great grades at school too. Again, the question rises, is formula milk really necessary?

The problem is, I've known mothers who don't want to breastfeed because they're afraid that their breast will look ugly, I've heard mothers who don't want to breastfeed because it's not trendy. It's because they chose to give their child formula, not because they can't breastfeed. And if you stop breastfeeding, the glands will stop working after a week, your breast will produce no more milk. So I'm not surprise why MMC proposed the price increase of formula milk. So that people won't buy them?

I know I am not a mother, and I've no rights to say how a parent should feed their child. But really, there is no way a mother who can bear a child will not produce any milk AT ALL. I think you could at least produce 1 teaspoon of milk. Every animal that gives birth can milk their babies! Unless perhaps they have some hormonal problems. I am wondering, how did our grandparents grew up? Did they have formula milk back then? Were there women that can't breastfeed? What did they do?

I asked my mother, she said "traditional massage" by the midwives. Well, if modern medicine can't make you produce milk, always go back to the olden days. They can't all be wrong, right?

There's another way, which is called "milk mothers", where another mother gives her milk to a child that is not hers. But there is a rule in Islam, where if the child is fed by the same mothers more than 5 separate times until the child is full, the child becomes "mahram" to the woman and to her children. Mahram means, you are considered as blood relatives and you can't get married to the woman who breastfed you and her children. I suggested that this be done among cousins, then that guy argued what if the child falls in love and wants to get married. I didn't do any research before going into that argument with him, but I said some stupid stuffs. Anyway, why do you still want to fall in love with that person if you know you can't marry him? Plus, medically and religious views as well, that it is unhealthy to marry among cousins. It is not wrong, but if it not good for your offspring why consider it? Then, they said that love is blind. And that it is God who made us meet our partner. I said, then it is God's will that they've become "milk siblings" too, if that's the case. Did he forget that only 5% of mothers can't breastfeed their child? and what's wrong if it's done among cousins anyway? How many of us marries our cousins? We're not even the royalties. And even royalties nowadays don't marry between cousins that much either.

He just fought me and fought me, and find reasons that my solutions will not solve the problem and that the only way to solve this problem is that if the government lowers the price of  formula milk. Because there is no other way to feed your child other than feeding formula milk and if the mother can't produce milk, she should just let it be and accept fate. According to him and all the men that was in that conversation.

I've been googling to find if it's possible for a child to grow up and live without formula milk and breast milk, if there it was possible for babies to be fed with fresh milk, but to no avail, I've find no answer to my question. I can't say my experience growing up without formula milk because my mother could produce breast milk.

So my question to you is, why do you still want to buy formula milk if it is so bloody expensive? I think it goes to show how you can actually afford to buy one. Because if I was a poor person and I can't breast feed, I don't think I will be living in Kuala Lumpur and I know I'd steal milk from the cow. Natural fresh unpasteurized cow's milk for my baby. I know, there is a way to avoid buying formula milk. So if you can't produce milk, find every possible way to avoid giving your baby formula, unless you can afford buying formula milk. But really, no ones likes a person who doesn't try but keeps on complaining.

Please tell me what you think of this issue...

How do I do this?

I don't tend to ignore a person, but every time I get friendly, boys tend to get the wrong idea. 

Every time we talk, I'd tell him about my boyfriend, and I can see that he doesn't like hearing about it, but he must've known I'm not giving any positive feedback to him. 

I don't understand why he's still trying. I told him not to call me 'dear' or 'love'. I've ignored him multiple times. I didn't even give him my phone number, even when he gave me mine. I've gave multiple reasons not to meet him.

I can't stand how he's always telling me how sweet I am, how cute I am, how pretty I am. Oh, it's so not me! I know I'm not sweet. I might have a sweet smile though. And I'm not THAT pretty. It's so annoying when guys try to get your attention by telling you how beautiful your physical is without truly actually knowing you. But I don't want him to know me. I just don't want to get near him.

I know guys won't be friend with girls if they don't have a slightest hope that the girl will be theirs. Unless he's a childhood friend who considers the relationship like brother and sister.

Some guys are charming, and that's a talent. I like guys who don't show that he likes the girl. That doesn't make it too obvious. Who just sneaks in and steal my heart. I think you all know who that is. ;)

But oh my God! This guy is not giving up!!! Until one time I actually  had to set "appear offline" to this guy because I just don't have time to chat about silly, empty things. If it's not important, don't buzz me, don't say 'hi', don't ask me what I am doing currently. It's none of your importance. Even my own boyfriend doesn't buzz me or call me every single day. I like that space.

I just hope he's like all the other guys that tried to hit on me. I just hope it's just a phase and they'll move on and ignore me. It's not like I don't like the attention. I love it, I love to know that I still have a price in the 'market', but right now the only attention I'm craving from is my boyfriend. 

I really don't know how to say 'no' to him without breaking his heart. Because breaking a guy's heart has too many consequences. Even though it's not even my fault. Who the hell asked him to play with fire or to let himself drown in something that won't even be possible? He told me he's not hitting on me, but he's just trying to get to know me better. Yeah, right. Why do you want to know me better? hrmmm...

Unconvinced

SO there's this girl in my batch in uni. I've never really been close to her and I find her to be a little loopy most of the time. She's 27 or 28 (I think?), very chubby and had a lot of sickness. One of it is Hypertension. I can't really believe that she has hypertension at her current age! She hasn't reached her 30's and she has this disease!

Anyway, she's been promoting this weight loss/health product called ALPHA LIPID on Facebook. The thing is.... I really don't know how to say this. If you want to promote something, surely you'll need some kind of positive result and feedback from YOURSELF first before you start promoting to other people. I don't know what kind of marketing skills she's using but it's currently somehow annoyed me. I mean, I didn't see any positive result on her when I met her last Sunday on our 2nd convocation in Putrajaya. And she didn't tell people how long she took it before her health and body weight starts to improved.

All I know is, she added me on this group page she created on Alpha Lipid and I left that group page immediately as well as untagged myself from all of her photo "ads". Most of all, I felt somewhat embarrassed and humiliated that she thinks I needed to lose weight! 

I think I'm going to comment on her Facebook timeline to put of a picture of her "before" and "after". Heh..

She should really learn from Raihanna on marketing skills. Just looked at how she promoted HERBALIFE (check out her blog). I mean, she started promoting Herbalife the moment there's an immense improvement on HER health, weight and skin. Not just by other people's positive feedback. Plus, she didn't add anyone to a group or tagged people to promote her stuffs! Even I feel like buying Herbalife after reading her blog and Facebook posts!

If Only We Know the Future

Do I care if I'll never get married? 

I wonder if it'll be lonely.

Will the loneliness be unbearable?

Or will my love for Allah swt soar?

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want to get married. I do. It's not that I don't love my bB. I do. But everytime a thought came to me saying that I am ready, another thought will come by and say WE'RE not ready. Or perhaps it's him? He says it's me. I am certain it's him.

I'm searching for so many answers right now. So many questions in my head. I'm searching where my heart truly belongs. Some days I am so confused. I know the answers, and yet I have conflicting thoughts.

Don't worry. There's no other guy. Or girl.

I am just searching for my heart. 

Is it love or is it lust? Or is it just loneliness?

Forgive my rambles. It is just one of those nights.
Have a lovely weekend, everyone. 

Drama Melayu vs Realiti

I'm not a big fan of Malay dramas. I find the story-line always seem to be illogical and over-exaggerated with annoying characters and always with the same type of character.

 

Well, until recently that is. I was shocked that those Malay dramas actually happens in real life and they're happening among my close friends too. 

I guess the writers write them according to life experience or our culture are easily influenced by what is portrayed by actors and actresses on TV. What a sad life we're living in.

Wait. Don't Rush.

My bB thinks I'm not ready to get married yet. When I asked why, he said "Think deep".

Damn. He knows very well that I hate thinking and there might be a thousand reasons why I am not ready to get married but when he said it that way, I just feel like rebelling and wanting to proof that I AM READY.

Ok. that just made another one of the reason why he said I am not ready yet. Any other idea?

Maybe he's the one who's not ready yet?

I still keep in my thoughts -  Don't rush. The time will come.

1 Malaysia, 1 Dream?

There are so much havoc going on in Malaysia currently. All the news feed on Facebook are filled with Bersih 3.0 that was held yesterday and the pictures doesn't look pretty. While I am here, I can't say what happened there between the authorities and the civilians, but a picture can tell a thousand lies, or even a thousand truths. Who's to blame?

I can't say I support any of them because what I see both sides are ignorant and proud. Protest are held everywhere in the world. While I was in Barcelona, I was in the midst of a government protest. We didn't know it was a government protest because the signs were in Spanish and there were a lot of balloons giving out to people. BUT there was no teargas, there was no deaths, there was no running and screaming at authorities and most of all, THERE WAS NO TRAFFIC JAMS OR BLOCKED ROADS. Yes, the authorities were there. They were just looking out at them, nothing more. And the civilians just do continued on with their protest. I was in Barcelona for A WEEK. There was another protest held the following weekend. I've been told, they held protests every weekend.

Protest in Barcelona

Why can't Malaysians have some civilized mind? It doesn't matter whether you are the civilians or the authorities, everything shouldn't be like yesterday's event. I feel like we were in some 3rd world country running a war (from what I saw) eventhough people were giving reasons as to why it had happened. I say, IT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

The police on the other hand, WHY DO YOU GUYS HAVE TO THROW TEARGASES WHEN PEOPLE ARE JUST SITTING THERE?!!

Arghhhh! I don't get it!!!

Source: Google

I think our country is democratic enough. If there weren't any fair elections, BN would have not lost 3 states last election.

I don't know what is the TRUE purpose of Bersih 3.0. All I see is people taking advantages of the event. Like the tshirt sales. All I can think was, "wow! Untung giler tauke mana yang buat tshirt ni!". And I feel like it's WRONG! You are no better than the government taking advantage of us.

I am in the Malaysian Students Association in my uni. Although I am just the vice treasurer, I am responsible for the students welfare as well. Students will complain and talk about their dissatisfaction, while we are the one who are trying to make the changes. Do you think it is easy to deal with the university and hostel administrations? Politics are dirty, no matter where, no matter how small the association may be. There will be dirty politics, especially when money is involve. But, there are not many students who are willing to step up and be in the Students Association to make the changes. No one wants to get their hand dirty. Everyone wants to play safe. But if you're smart, you can make changes without the need to get your hands (too) dirty.

If you can't beat them, join them and make the changes within. That's my point of view. If you're smart enough. But if you're stupid, you run amok in the city centre, causing death of people and crying like a little child until you get what you want, which I think no one will take you seriously later. 

I don't see how you can gain votes, when your followers are dying everytime these protests are held. 

Kenapa lah manusia ni suka sangat buat masalah? -___-"

A Pretty Face Doesn't Always Mean A Pretty Heart

Let's forget that I have some sort of mini exam tomorrow. I decided not to go to class this morning. So I'm "trying" to fill my brains with all of the knowledge I've collected since 3rd year on Therapy. Can I trust my brain to not let me down? The momentum hasn't kicked in yet. Have I forgotten that I have a mini exam tomorrow? Shit...

Ok. Stop blabbering. I wanted to tell you about something else.

Few months ago, some dude sent a friend request to me via Facebook. I don't usually add people I don't recognize. Usually, I'll screen them with sending them a message, "Do I know you?" Most would say no, but they would like to be 'friends'. Usually, I told them off politely saying my Facebook profile is too public for a stranger, and they would yap about how we could know eachother better if we're friends on Facebook. Sometimes, I get negative response, where they said my face doesn't correlate with my attitude. But most time they'd just ignore me after I ignored them.

Anyway, this one dude. The first time we interacted, he said I was cute, pretty and all sorts of compliments. Not that I didn't like the compliment but it was just too much. I know I'm not that pretty. Out of a sudden, he said he wants to be my boyfriend. I had to lie to him and said I WAS ENGAGED! I was freaked out, and I'm sure these kind of guy won't give up if I just said I have a boyfriend. That was the first time.

Last 3 days was the 2nd time where we interacted. We were chatting and suddenly out of the blue, he asked me for a picture. I was like, what the f---? Of course I said NO. Why would any girl give out a picture of themselves to a stranger? He was persuading and stuff, and I just ignored it. Then, he asked again if I'd like to be his girlfriend. I told him "I'm taken", then he said, "I know, just kidding". Pushing your luck mister? I don't know why he even tried! He doesn't even know me. Just because I'm pretty? He doesn't know that I'm hot tempered, stubborn, messy and lazy!

but I hope I have both. =D

First of all, he didn't leave any good impression on me. Like, his English sucks for one. Not like I have a good command of English grammar all the time, but you know what I mean. Like I asked this guy, "So what do you do?" which is a question about work, which literally means "Are you working or studying or just fooling around?". He answered, "do nothing, layan2 mata tgk2 vdeo2 movie2 tp xleh2 nk tdo" (translate: doing nothing, just laying around watching movie, but can't seem to fall asleep). OK. #Facepalm. I asked a different question, he answered something else. "What are you doing?" and "What do you do?" are completely different questions! Sigh. In the end, he never told me what he does for a living once I told him I'm a medic student. Don't know if it's the case of ego or not. At least he's not using the "kew", "letew", "nyeww" in his Malay. That is just annoying!

I told bB about it, he laughed and just said, "Of course you wouldn't even care for this guy when you already have a cool, macho, doctor boyfriend like me!" (Ok, I added a few stuffs there, but he did say 'macho'). Not to say that what he said is completely untrue. But I know I would have acted the same way even if I'm not in a relationship with bB right now.

I am cocky. I think I know everything, I think I can do everything. So if I want a guy, I need a guy to be confident, and can prove me wrong without being annoying. Let's face it, ALL GUYS ARE SUPER ANNOYING. They want to be right all the time. I had this argument with Hariz the other day about, "Why don't you learn to cook?" I mean, he's in oversea most of the time and his wife doesn't follow him all the time. He said "I can cook maggie mee" and I 'm like, "a 5 year old can make maggie mee". Then he said, "Maggie mee 3 rasa, boleh ke?" I said, "Of course! Put the noodles, hot water and 3 flavours and you'll get 3 rasa. A 5 year old can think of that". Seriously, if you can't give me a good point, you should rather just drop it, or I'll dubbed you "ANNOYING!" What's wrong with learning to cook anyway?? and why can't he just answered honestly, "Malas" (lazy).

How to prove me wrong without being annoying? Shut up when you know you're wrong. Guys just give stupid answers when they try to win which is just SUPER DUPER ANNOYING! I just want to give that person a slap! bB just gave up most of the time we argued and let me win. That's even better! Then he'll say to me, "It's not about winning all the time". In my head - Of course it is!!! I'm such a stubborn girl. Of course if I'm really wrong, he would let me know it. He won't let me get off so easily. I would get upset if I loss, and he'll come and make things better or I'll just let it go if I think it's a small matter. Of course, we'll talk about it later, and he lets me win again. Sometimes. haha. :P

To those guys out there, don't try a girl just because she has a pretty face. She might not have a pretty attitude. They don't do you good. At least get to know her first, like personally know her (not by stalking her Facebook) before you decided jump the wagon. Decide to be with her only when you know you won't break her heart and she won't break yours. Me and bB were close for a year before we decided to be in a relationship, and 5 years later still haven't decide when we'll take the next step. Why rush?

I'm between Spring and Winter. haha. =P

Vernal Equinox

Dr. T was quite busy today. Our class was interrupted numerous times by phone calls, as well as interns and patients calling him.

I couldn't take it today when Dr. T said "Give me 5 minutes, and I'm all yours".

My heart just melted. *blush* Of course, he meant the whole class.

How are you supposed to miss class, when there's something sweet is happening everyday?

I sense another withdrawal symptoms coming in this weekend. Oh no!

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So, it has been exactly 10 days since the Earth shifted to Vernal Equinox which supposed to mean it's SPRING. But as you all know, we had quite a long autumn this year. It properly snowed in mid January, and lowest point of temperature which usually falls in January, fell in mid February. I wouldn't be surprised if the snow melts only in May. Hopefully, early May or at least late April.

I hate this weather. It snows, then it melts, then it snows again. Today the temperature went above zero, and my God! It was so annoying! They weren't exactly slushes, but not exactly snow either. It was raining + snow. It was wet and slippery at the same time. Urgh! Did I tell you how much I hate this weather! >.<"

I took this video 3 days ago. It was sunny in the morning, and sudden heavy snow fell in the afternoon. I took this while I was cooking lunch after class. Gave me quite a shock because before I went into the hostel, the sun was still shining. I'll never get the weather here. Seriously.

Can You Handle The Truth?

So, what's exactly going on in this world? 

I have no idea.

Keep Calm and....

HUWAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'M CURRENTLY, OFFICIALLY PANICKING!!!! MY HEART CAN'T STAY CALM AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!

EXAM'S IN LESS THAN 36 HOURS AND I FEEL LIKE I KNOW SHIT NOTHING! THE LAST TIME I FELT LIKE THIS WAS DURING MY OPERATIVE SURGERY EXAM!!!

AND TO MAKE MATTER WORSE, I HAVE A PLANE TO MADRID TO CATCH AT 6.50PM!!!! means I HAVE TO BE AT THE AIRPORT BY 5.30 PM. And I have no idea what time my exam will finish. It's an oral exam. So whoever goes first, finishes first. I could go in early. yes. IF I PASSED THE BLOODY MCQ QUESTIONS!!!!

It takes 1 hour 15 minutes from the hospital to the hostel, and 1 hour 40 minutes from the hostel to the airport. Means, I have to leave the hospital at 2PM if I want to reach the airport at 5PM.

arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I'M SO PANICKING RIGHT NOW!!!

Please pray I'll pass my exams. Please pray I'll be at the airport by 5pm! I'M SO WORRIED... I want to cry... T_____________T

Life is Short

‎"How often do we hear others say, “Oh, I’ll travel when I retire,” “I’ll travel when the kids are grown,” “I’ll travel when the house is paid off”? I hear these excuses all the time. But you know what happens? Age. And stress. And, well, life. Life happens, and by the time you retire and your kids are grown and your house is paid off, you have bad knees and weak lungs and you simply can’t visit all those places you dreamed about in your youth."

That's why I'm walking, till I can't walk no more and spending every penny I have. Because memories can't be bought, and we can't bring wealth to death.  What I have is enough, if I can put food in my mouth and pay my bills. If Allah swt decides to give me more, I'll be more than ever grateful.

I want to see the world while I can walk. Even when I'm married and have children. I will bring my children to every places that I go. I won't wait for them to grow up. Money can be found. But time, we can never get back the time that we lost.

"I do, dont I?"

I'm tired of everyone asking when I'm gonna say "I do". It's not that I don't want to sit on the pelamin and be thrown with bunga rampai and perfume water. It's just that I am just not ready to take that big step.

It feels scary to me.

Yeah, I was all out for it 5 years ago. It was in one of my wishlist to be married at 25. Try searching the post in the archive 4 or 5 years ago, I'm sure you'll find it.

I'll be 25 in less than 2 weeks and I am scared as hell to get married and I'm so tired hearing people asking me, "so, when is your turn?, when's your big day?". I think all my single and in a relationship friends are going through the same thing as me. I don't know who gets it harder, the single ones or the in a relationship ones.

I see my friends getting engaged, getting married like its so easy to do. So why is so hard for me? It's the same feeling when people ask me "when are you going to wear hijab?" yerp. the same exact feeling. When I just feel like running away every time people ask me that. Yeah, I've been with the same guy for almost 5 years now, but I see relationships go wrong even after 10 years together. Yeah yeah. Don't you people start with me about the relationships because of Allah swt and the right path.

Like this couple did

I'm not them.

So I've summed up why I don't want to get married (yet).

1. Everytime we fight, we break up. Like how is that supposed to make me feel secured when we're married. Don't fight? yeah. like that's going to work. So every time we fight we'll ask for divorce? How does it work? Do we feel differently when we're married, because divorce are such a hassle, do we just break up while we're married and then get back together? LOL! I can't seem to find that security from him yet. Every time I cry, he leaves. I just can't stand that.
2. Both of us can't decide where we'll be staying after marriage. I mean, I want to stay in Kuantan of course but he doesn't want to stay near the mother in law, and I don't want to stay in Johor!! KL is ok, but my heart still says Kuantan. 
3. The ceremony will be tiring. Yeah, I wish I want a small wedding, a true Islamic wedding but I'm sure my mom won't allow it. You see, my family is big, REALLY BIG. My grandfather on my father's side has 4 wives and 20 children and my mom has 9 siblings. So you can imagine. Plus my parents are upper class people, so they have reputation. I really doubt they'd go for a wedding in the mosque.
4. The truth is, I just don't think I'm ready to be a wife. Not until my bB let go of the things he wants me to be, but accept me. I can't stand his bickering of me not covering my hair, although the topic has stopped for quite some time now, I'm sure it'll resurface soon. Maybe I'll get married once I'm ready to wear hijab. haha.. I'm praying every day that I'll open my heart to His religion, but I just can't take it when other people keep asking me to do it. 

When the time comes, it'll come. Only Allah knows. InsyaAllah, I won't stray. ;)

Note to self: Kenapa susah sangat nak buat pahala? Kalau hati tak ikhlas pun tak guna rasanya...

I'll get married, when he can stand in front of me and watch me cry when I'm upset.

This is Our Life

Been reading too many blogs lately. HO blogs, MO blogs, Pharmacists blogs.

Every one of them complains. HO complains about the mistreatment of the MOs and specialist, about the WORKLOAD. MO complains about the attitudes of the HOs, about the WORKLOAD. Pharmacists complains about the attitudes of doctors, patients and the WORKLOAD.

People. It's the profession we chose. NO WORKLOAD = NO PATIENTS = NO WORK = NO MONEY.

Yeah. I'm not working yet. So shut up right? hrmm..

I hope I won't complain when I start working. That would be shameful. heh. :-|

Citarasa

My cousin asked me if I have any single friends to match-make with one of her friends. So I gave a few names with their facebook profile.

After a while she said, 'better with no tudung(hijab)'. I LOLed. I mean like, really?

I wonder why is it so important about the girl's attire. Whether she wears a hijab or not. Even for my brother (the older one). He likes girls with no hijab. When asked "why?", he said he doesn't like girl with curly hair. So, he's like, "if she covers her hair, how would I know if she has curly or straight hair?".. Right. what if she straightened her hair?? hrmmm...

Well, anyway. I see that not all guys like and want girls who cover their hair. Or maybe they're like mine. Being with a free-hair girl, and kept asking, "when are you going to cover your hair?". That is just so freaking annoying. But I don't think my bro is like that. He never said anything to my mom about her not wearing hijab even though she's 50 years old.

Whatever said, men are shallow. Doesn't matter if the girl is covering her hair or not. In the end, all they want is a pretty face. And later find out, that you need a pretty heart to go along with it too. Pretty face first though. Never the heart. Then when the girl breaks his heart. tadaaaa.. yeah. That's what you get for being shallow. cheers~

GUYS ARE ANNOYING. nuff said.

Sinner

Has anyone got any of this link posted on your facebook wall?

"~✿ Tudung kita pun dah nak ke arah macam ini sekarang..cuba perhatikan..ini fesyen bertudung ZAMAN SEKARANG yang DIBANGGAKAN ramai..
Rasulullah bersabda,
"Sesiapa MENYERUPAI satu kaum, ia dari kaum tersebut".
(HR Imam Abu Daud dari Ibnu Umar) 

JAUHILAH dari memakai sebegini..AGENDA kafir laknatullah itu sangat HALUS sehingga kita tidak sedar, ketahuilah wahai WANITA ISLAM sekalian."

Let me give you another quote I got;

45. Muslim women wear the head covering (hijab) in fulfillment of God’s decree to dress modestly. From a practical standpoint, it serves to identify one as attempting to follow God in daily life and, therefore, protects women from unwanted advances from men. Righteous women throughout history have worn this type of modest dress. Prominent examples are traditional Catholic Nuns, Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus.

Interesting facts about Islam

Please remind ourselves that Islam is not the first religion of Allah swt. Please remind ourselves that Islam is not the first religion that Allah swt commanded to cover our head and dress with modesty.

If I see women covering their heads, walking around anywhere in the world, If these nuns did not wore their cross on their chest, I would've thought they're Muslims.

And I ask you, Isn't the shirts and pants the men wore are not of the Westerners? Did not the "non-Muslims" who created this type of clothes? T-shirt and jeans? and we see Muslim men wearing them all over the world. Why not say something about that? Why not wear like the Arabs? Wouldn't that be more Islamic? If that is your argument?

Why keep beards when the Jewish rabbis also keeps their beards, as well as the Brahmins? Wouldn't that be like following other religions too?

but who am I to say such thing u may ask, I don't even wear Hijab...
I'm just wondering...

"Trust me"

I have this small habit of lying. LYING, not making up stories. I don't make up stories. I mostly lie when I feel lazy to answer about something. Yeah, I know it's weird and I can't really explain why.

Example 1:
The other day, my friend asked me,
Friend: "baru mandi ke?" (did you just had a bath?)
Me: "tak lah" (no).
Friend: "kenapa rambut depan basah?" (why is your front hair wet?).
Me: "Oh, sebab basuh muka" (Oh, because I washed my face).

The truth was, I did bathe before I came down, but my friend came like an hour later. So I think in my mind was, I didn't just had a bath. It was a while ago, and I didn't thought that my hair was still wet. Since I already answered "No", I just wen't and created a little lie. :-p

Example 2:
"Kaklong, mama keluar ke?" (did mama wen't out?) my brother asked.
I answered "ha'ah" (yup).
Suddenly my mom came out from the back room. LOL!
I didn't know where my mom were, but I was lazy to answered him, and I wen't straight to "yup"..

Example 3:
My mom: Kaklong, kenapa nasi ni macam lembik? (I don't remember her actual term, but it's not lembik) Macam nasi mama rendam semalam. (Kaklong, why is the rice look porridge-y? They look like the rice I soaked last night) [In her term should be thrown away]
Me: Oh, maybe sebab terlebih air kot? (Maybe I added too much water)

Ok. This was a total lie because I was completely CUUUUUAAAAAKKKKK!!! I didn't even saw the soaked water and the rice didn't even smell like it was spoiled! Thank God, no one had stomach ache.
P/s: I was 17 at that time, and didn't know how differentiate or cook rice properly. So my mom bought it. Rasa bersalah sangat!!! >.<

So yeah. That's me. As far as I can remember, I've been doing this since primary school. It has become a habit! There's actually more. Especially conversation between me and bB. but I forgot most of them because there's too many and didn't make much impact like these ones and also most of the time, bB caught me lying. He's so good at knowing me! Even my mom can't tell, he can. WTF. Or maybe my mom can, but she just leaves it at that. ;-p

So, if I answer something, you better just make sure I'm not lying. hahahaha.. :-p

I really don't know why I'm confessing about this in my blog. ;-p