Feeling Lost

Some days I wanna quit this dayjob of mine so bad and find something I really love doing and don't mind the stress. I want to find my passion and feel the happiness again.

I really miss my life in Moscow. It was hectic and sometimes stressful especially when you're dealing with the university or when the foreign students welfare is not met but somehow I had time to find the things I love doing. I could find time to actually read on things. Nowadays I can't even finish a single book. I can't even remember the last time I finished a novel. Can't even remember the last title of the book I "read".

I can't even remember the last time I opened the Quran, let alone reading the translation. I used to had so much time. So much time for myself.

Some days I feel severely depressed. I can't find my happiness in my job. I can't find the love in this job. But then, I don't know what else to do if I actually decide to quit this job.

I hate doing business. I don't know how to make money from my blog. I don't know how to do marketing. What else can I do?

Every day I chant to myself, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah. May He gives me happiness in this "so-called" noble job of mine. May he leads me to the right path. InsyaAllah, I'm sure everything will get better. I just have to believe in myself.

I don't know why I'm so depressed.
😞

New Place, New Life, and The Uncertainties.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of uncertainty. I hate going to new places. 

I remember curling up on the floor the day after I received my SPM results and had to make decisions on where I am going. I remember thinking I hate growing up. I remember thinking I hate to cross that line, that uncertainty.

Nonetheless, as Ellice Grey would say it - the carousel never stop turning. I have to endure it anyway, and so far I have been surviving. Had a great time along the way too.

I have been posted to Hospital Enche Besar Hajjah Khalsom in Kluang, Johor. New place, new environment, new colleague. I hate the part where I am the only "junior" MO. I am alone. That's just the worst of all. I hope I won't get bullied. I hope my colleague are great. I just really hope the best for myself. 

I am always alone somehow. I entered matriculation alone. I went to Russia alone. I entered Selayang Hospital alone. Alone as in no one I knew came with me. After my 2nd posting during housemanship, I practically entered every department alone. Sighh...

Yeah, you can say it's some sort a sad situation but I make a lot of friends a long the way. I really hope this time it will be the same. 

Wish me luck as a medical MO. I am terrified out of my brain right now! *cries*

Daddy

Daddy always light up a smile whenever he sees us, whenever we're back home or visit him whenever he's in KL. He looks very happy when he meet us.

Always telling my mother that he misses us.

Kept asking me when Saddam is coming back from UK.

I wonder, how come he never had that look when we were younger, when we were around at home?

Sigh. I miss u too daddy but I wished u did things differently back then.

"I do, dont I?"

I'm tired of everyone asking when I'm gonna say "I do". It's not that I don't want to sit on the pelamin and be thrown with bunga rampai and perfume water. It's just that I am just not ready to take that big step.

It feels scary to me.

Yeah, I was all out for it 5 years ago. It was in one of my wishlist to be married at 25. Try searching the post in the archive 4 or 5 years ago, I'm sure you'll find it.

I'll be 25 in less than 2 weeks and I am scared as hell to get married and I'm so tired hearing people asking me, "so, when is your turn?, when's your big day?". I think all my single and in a relationship friends are going through the same thing as me. I don't know who gets it harder, the single ones or the in a relationship ones.

I see my friends getting engaged, getting married like its so easy to do. So why is so hard for me? It's the same feeling when people ask me "when are you going to wear hijab?" yerp. the same exact feeling. When I just feel like running away every time people ask me that. Yeah, I've been with the same guy for almost 5 years now, but I see relationships go wrong even after 10 years together. Yeah yeah. Don't you people start with me about the relationships because of Allah swt and the right path.

Like this couple did

I'm not them.

So I've summed up why I don't want to get married (yet).

1. Everytime we fight, we break up. Like how is that supposed to make me feel secured when we're married. Don't fight? yeah. like that's going to work. So every time we fight we'll ask for divorce? How does it work? Do we feel differently when we're married, because divorce are such a hassle, do we just break up while we're married and then get back together? LOL! I can't seem to find that security from him yet. Every time I cry, he leaves. I just can't stand that.
2. Both of us can't decide where we'll be staying after marriage. I mean, I want to stay in Kuantan of course but he doesn't want to stay near the mother in law, and I don't want to stay in Johor!! KL is ok, but my heart still says Kuantan. 
3. The ceremony will be tiring. Yeah, I wish I want a small wedding, a true Islamic wedding but I'm sure my mom won't allow it. You see, my family is big, REALLY BIG. My grandfather on my father's side has 4 wives and 20 children and my mom has 9 siblings. So you can imagine. Plus my parents are upper class people, so they have reputation. I really doubt they'd go for a wedding in the mosque.
4. The truth is, I just don't think I'm ready to be a wife. Not until my bB let go of the things he wants me to be, but accept me. I can't stand his bickering of me not covering my hair, although the topic has stopped for quite some time now, I'm sure it'll resurface soon. Maybe I'll get married once I'm ready to wear hijab. haha.. I'm praying every day that I'll open my heart to His religion, but I just can't take it when other people keep asking me to do it. 

When the time comes, it'll come. Only Allah knows. InsyaAllah, I won't stray. ;)

Note to self: Kenapa susah sangat nak buat pahala? Kalau hati tak ikhlas pun tak guna rasanya...

I'll get married, when he can stand in front of me and watch me cry when I'm upset.

Gimme A Sign

It's been a week now. I've not cooled down. I actually feel more pissed than ever! I'm not even sure if he's serious about breaking up or not. Because he changed his profile picture of us two in Rome with a very sweet caption. So basically, I'm wondering,

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?

Usually, after a fight, he'll let me be until he has cooled down or until I gave him a sign. Usually, I'm the one who goes back to him. So right now, within this week, I haven't exactly posted anything on Facebook that gives any sign that he can say 'hi' to me nor have I greet him in any way (chat, message, sms or even call). I just act like nothing ever happened. I'm doing my work like normal. Nothing's bothering me. I just want to see how much he actually cares about me, about this relationship.

Obviously I'm confused. Because he broke up with me. And then, he posted a profile picture of US.

I can't say 'hi' to him first. He was the one who dumped me!! I see him online all the time and I didn't even appear offline like I usually do whenever I'm pissed at him. So, what more sign does he actually need? Seriously, what does he think I am? A puppy? A doll? A freakin' cyborg??? sheeesh~!

For him to let me be alone and pissed for A WEEK says that he just doesn't care anymore for this relationship, but a profile picture of US??? wtf dude? get on with it. Why are you so freaking CONFUSING?!! Trying to make me piss off another week. That's so typically you.

S.A.J.

When your hormones goes ups and downs.

When everything else fails, and I keep on crying, you'd make it worst by saying "Let's just break up" and hangs up the phone.

How I wish you would just DROP EVERYTHING that you're doing and JUST PAY YOUR ATTENTION to me. All I want is just you and me always,
Give me affection,
I need your perfection..

I'm always 2nd to your everything. I should accept that by now. I really should. It's has been 4 years. But I can't. Because it's not fair.

I know why you can't stand that I cried. I know why you walk away or shut the door or hang up the phone every time tears welled up my cheeks. You can't stand the fact that you're a FAILURE. FAILURE TO ME.

You said, lets continue this another time, I asked you "WHEN? WHEN WILL YOU HAVE TIME? WHEN?!" and YOU SAID, "LET'S JUST BREAK UP" every time things get tough between us. Like it is the easiest thing in the world to do. When you can't figure out what I want, when you can't make the tears stop. It breaks my heart every time, but most time the words don't even have meaning for me anymore. Because you always come back. And I always accept you back.

I wish you knew, all I wanted was you. And I can see that you just can't give me you. You asked me to understand your situations, but you don't understand OUR situation. MY SITUATION.

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan...

Maybe you'll come back like always when you've cool down. Maybe you won't. Maybe I'll be here like always. Maybe I won't.

grrrr... geram..

Sebenarnya, rasa macam nak delete profile picture dalam facebook yang ada gambar dia dengan saya. Sebab? sebab dia taknak upload gambar yang kitorang together. Kata nak simpan, lepas kahwin baru letak (tu pun kalau kahwin lah kan? Kalau tak, memang takde lah.)

Tapi........ ramai sangat comment gambar tu.. sayang pulak nak delete.

Siggggggggghhhh.. Yeah. I'm pathetic like that. >.<

LDR

LDR, bukan Light Dependent Resistor ye. Long Distance Relationship. ;P ok.. lawak bodoh..

I hate that we're far apart.
I hate that he's always seem so busy or make himself busy just so he can past the time without me.
I hate not knowing what he's doing at the moment.
I hate that he doesn't ask me how I'm doing.
I hate when he asks me to keep myself busy too.
I hate when we're on skype and he's chatting with someone else.
I hate the fact that he doesn't divide his time for me.
I hate that he doesn't know how to make up with me on line or on the phone.
I hate that when he feels like leaving, he just leaves especially when I'm upset with him.
I hate that he doesn't tell me about anything!!!!!

Oh God! I feel like strangling him! grrrrrrr... >.< I don't understand what is it that is so hard to comply to my needs! I JUST WANT SOME ATTENTION.. AND I'M NOT GETTING ANY! Our timing has always been off and it's even worse now! because it's morning when it's midnight, and it's afternoon when it's maghrib.. I hate this..

 9 more months.. Just 9 more months..

 

"I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing"

My Choice

I don't want to wear it just because everyone else does

I don't want to wear it because people asked me to

I don't want to wear it because of fashion

I don't want to wear it to feel proud

I don't want to wear it because of my husband

I don't want to wear it, then take it off again, then wear it again

When I wear it, I'll wear it with love

When I wear it, I'll wear it with dignity

When I wear it, I'll wear it for Allah

Because that way it'll feel forever

Hidayah itu milik Allah

so stop forcing me or in your words 'advising'.

"respect"

Mula-mula pakai tudung tutup seliput, labuh sampai dada..

Lepastu, tudung nampak rambut depan..

Lepastu, tudung nampak leher..

Lepastu, rambut jadi blonde..

Lepastu.....

Guess What?!

Because we had wait through the weekend to get my mother's TVIEXPRESS certificate verified, the list of hotels has been updated and the one I booked last week is GONE!!!

Btw, my mother's certificate is still no verified, so Mr. Uncle generously offered his certificate. And I had to go through the hassle once again of finding a new hotel because the hotel I booked 4 days ago has been updated with a new list of hotels. So the hotel I booked last week isn't in the new list! Am I making any sense? I hope you get the picture of what I'm trying to say. PLUS! All the tax & service charges of the hotels in the new list are above US$100!! NOT ONE IS BELOW $100.. I say this is cheating! wtf right?!

I just got my hotel confirmation email. I sent it like 3-4 emails to the hotel because I was worried. I just got a reply for the one I sent 2 days ago. And I sent like 3 emails yesterday. LOL! Now I'm embarrased. :"3

And the one Mr Uncle made with his certificate still hasn't got any reply yet. I guess, we'll know tomorrow or the day after. I truly hope everything will go well for this trip.

TVIEXPRESS made my life a living hell. I could have gone through hostelworld.com or booking.com without any of this nonsense. I wouldn't even have to change hotels!!

All my mom had to say was, "ada lah hikmah dia tu... "

Then Mr. Uncle said to me, mama said to him, "dah suruh buat booking lama dah.. last minute baru nak kelam kabut". In my head was like - Bb just finished exam last week, and we did do this as soon as our exam finished. I booked the hotel on the 23rd.. We had to find a cheap plane and trains, the best way to get there, we didn't know where we are heading first. Maybe Rome is our first stop, maybe it's Venice or Pisa or Florence. How are we supposed to know without proper planning? right? After our transportation system is covered, then we plan where to go first and how many days. After that only can we decide the date & place to stay.

And you know what Mr. Uncle said, "lain kali book hotel dulu, baru lah beli ticket kapal terbang".. Ya Allah, sabar je lah dengan uncle ni tau! Tak tau lah dia nak buat lawak ke tak.. tapi seriously, I told him, kalau flight tiba2 tak dapat, cancel or delay. Then burn je lah kan hotel tu kan? Pandai  betul la orang MLM ni. Pastu kita kene beli certificate USD250 lagi lah kan?
Lepas tu dia cakap, "jalan kaki lah.."  =.="

You know, there is a very thick border between jokes and stupid jokes. And I don't think Mr. Uncle knows about this border. Maybe he's trying to be friendly or even try to cool me down, and break the tension. But it just makes me annoyed with him. LIKE SERIOUSLY ANNOYED! and I'm just that person who is seriously easily annoyed with a person. Especially a person who makes stupid jokes in a serious situation. It's like you're looking at a dead person and laughing at him. Where are your manners?

And there is definitely a thick line between being friendly and somewhat perverted. Please Mr. Uncle. I don't mind if you're handsome and single. But you have a wife and you really shouldn't be saying/writing something like this:

"emmmmmmm lega dpt jumpa anna"..????? WHO THE HELL WRITES LIKE THAT? It grosses me out and scares the shit out of me! I'm really sorry. I know you've help me a lot with this (mainly because it gave me a lot of trouble), but seriously! I really don't feel like talking to you or even 'lega' to have met you. Maybe you're trying to be friendly, but I don't know you and haven't even met you and you're saying "emmmmmmm lega dpt jumpa anna".... O.O I really don't think I want to ever meet him! Even if he is a millionaire or something for doing this kind of business.

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mama,

Thank you for everything.
Happy Mother's Day. I love you and I miss you so much!

Unmistaken

If talking to a guy (according to you "manja-ly") is such a big deal to you, I'd rather have sex with some random guy. Then it'll be something WORTHY for you to be upset about, and for me to be scolded. At least I know I actually did something wrong.. sheeshh!

Dance Dance Dance

Would you think bad of me if I were to perform on stage with a guy dancing waltz?

I love dancing. Should I sacrifice my passion & talent for someone? I don't know.

Ps: that guy is not my boyfriend. Would I be humiliating myself & my love?

I write random words when I'm sad

I tried so hard to understand,
When you left me at your door,
You've left me broken hearted once again,
and my heart crashes on the floor.

I tried so hard to see,
What mistakes I've done wrong,
When everything I say you disagree,
I tried to stay calm, stay strong.

But I couldn't, I cried,
Like so many times before,
Our hearts collide,
But you asked me to ignore.

I tried so hard to make it last,
To please your heart, to please mine,
Is it all that's left is in the past?
I can't let go of my sunshine.

Yours truly,
Anna Amin.

Зачем Я?

Зачем хочу тебя сейчас..
я тебя скучаю...

Manipulated

Kata saya, "lelaki suka memanipulasi". Kata mereka, "perempuan tidak pernah memahami"...

I'm so pissed off with my boyfriend because he finished my can of lychee which I bought for rm18!!! and he blamed me because I didn't tell him, not to finish it off. wth???

Kempunan laici sangat2 skarang ni tapi duit kekurangan sebab dah hujung bulan... iskk.. sampai nangis2 tadi, tp dia buat "don't know" je.. sbb dia pon takde duit nak ganti balik.. aduuuhh.. sedihnya hati ni!!! T.T

pasal laici pon boleh gaduh sampai nak break-up. grrrrr... geramnya!!!!

sick again

same ol' story.. I'm sick again.. I've been sick too many times since the beginning of last semester! I'm blaming the weather! gaaahhhhh! It was a cold autumn, warm winter and freaking cold february! wtf?!

I didn't go for class yesterday. I was up early; really early. 6:00 am. Got ready, bathe, ironed my t-shirt, wore my jeans, had breakfast, bags packed. really. I was completely ready, just wasting time with my laptop, waiting for 8:30 am to come so I could leave my room. 7:30 am, I felt woozy and nauseous. My head started aching. Sasha buzzed me on ym saying she might not go for class because she's not feeling well. What a coincidence! I felt the same way. We both decided by 8 if we're not feeling better we might just as well skip.

8:00 am. hah! my temperature went through the roof! I suddenly felt very hot and asked my roomate to feel my temple. Gave her quite a shock, "PANASNYE ANNA!". Sasha messaged me "I'm not going to class..etc.." sigh.. me too. My temperature just rose.. ;( I hate missing class. I drank panadol soluble and went straight to bed. Slept almost the whole day. Woke up in between to check my email and Cityville (yes. I'm addicted to another virtual game thanks to bB). bB came to pass me my drugs and food, then I went to bed again and woke up this morning at 5:30 am. Yes. I'm a morning person. ;)

I went to class today and guess what! Half of the class is sick! and we have the same type of cough!! I think its the same virus. I blame the cold classroom! Well, there's a heater today. My classmate said, yesterday the lecturer plugged in an extra heater after the break. Seriously, that classroom is F*CKING COLD! but its warm today with that little heater plugged in. heeee... :D

I do hope spring comes soon. I'm so tired of the snow. It feels so long! ;(

WTF?!?! It's already March for heaven's sake!! Why the hell is the snow still here?! It was -16°C this morning, now it's -6°C.. hopefully this 1 digit'll last longer.. ;P You can't predict Russia's weather. 1 minute it says +1°C, next thing you know it's already -10°C! iskkk.. >.<"

Kerana Nila Setitik Rosak Susu Sebelanga

Last week Malaysian students studying medicine in Russia been hit by a hate wave by Malaysians when Berita Harian published it's front page about how incompetent overseas medical graduates are, especially those from graduated from Russia.

This news is not new though. I've been hitting with glares and cringes when asked, from which university, and I answered "Russia" since I did my practicals in the government hospital during my 2nd year and 3rd year summer break. But it has never been published to the whole nation before, it has been kept within the medical community for more than 6 years.

I think some HOs made an MO damn pissed off, therefor, he made a decision to published it in local newspaper so that the whole world would know about it. Stupid mistake I'd say. He/She made the whole nation afraid of going to the hospitals. As if we don't have that problem already.

Every year, there are more and more students coming in to study medicine here. The question is - Who approved them? Who approved their NOCs? Who approved those agents?. Why is the government keep sending students here? We're just trying to live our dreams and/or our parents dreams to become a doctor. Why are we getting all the blame? Why isn't the government getting these blames as well?

On the paper, they said, the russian graduates don't even know basic skills like how to measure BP, pulse and place the stethoscope on the chest. Really? I've been learning those since I was in 3rd year. If most of us don't know how, why are most russian graduates survived their housemanship and already became MOs and specialists? Yes, I admit we are lacking in practical skills. Even now, I still have trouble taking blood and I don't know how to put an IV line. Because for Russian students, they learn theoretical stuffs for 6 years and 1 year for their practicals only. As for foreigners, we study for 6 years minus the 1 year of practical training and can only learn them when we are doing our housemanship. So please forgive us for our lack of practical ability, but to say that we cause the increase of death, isn't that a little over-exaggerated? HOs can't cause death, because if we do, our licences will be annulled because we're still on probations.

And we are learning everything in Russian language, with russian classifications. So it'll take some time to know the shortforms in the patients history in local hospitals or the terms from the English textbooks. Life is about learning, and learning is never ending.

But to say that we never learn anything here is way out of line. I read, a parent complaining, according to his son that we don't learn anything here, that the lecturers won't let us see patients and they refused to teach in English because they're so proud of their language. Please realise where you are dear sir. You are not in England or Canada or Australia or US. I went to Beijing and NO ONE knew English too. Plus Russia isn't really a tourist centre, so you can't blame them for not knowing English and what is wrong with being proud with your language? And I do get to see patients. How do you expect me to write my patient's case report if I can't see the patient? He even said that Russia's medicine is 10 years behind. erm.. As far as I know, Russian medicine has existed way before Hang Tuah was born. Learn their history, do your research before making assumptions.

I hope to be a good doctor if not great. I still have so much to learn, but please don't judge me just because of where I've been. If my seniors can do it, why can't I, right? =)

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead so why should you?

The truth is.. I have so many things to write, so many things in my mind that needed to get out. BUT MY SCHEDULE ARE SO F*CKING PACK RIGHT NOW!!! And My weekends are filled with sleep. So I really don't know when I'm able to write all this stuffs in my head.

Plus it's been really really REALLY COLD for the past few days, It's so hard to get out of my bed! And I've been sitting, doing work with my comforter wrapping myself like a shawarma. iskkk.. >.<

So sorry my readers. I'll write as soon as I can. Promise. ^.^

Ps: Did anyone saw the front page of Berita Harian on 15th February? Sedih giler.. marah pon ada jugak. Senang2 je nak judge orang mcm tu.