Feeling Lost

Some days I wanna quit this dayjob of mine so bad and find something I really love doing and don't mind the stress. I want to find my passion and feel the happiness again.

I really miss my life in Moscow. It was hectic and sometimes stressful especially when you're dealing with the university or when the foreign students welfare is not met but somehow I had time to find the things I love doing. I could find time to actually read on things. Nowadays I can't even finish a single book. I can't even remember the last time I finished a novel. Can't even remember the last title of the book I "read".

I can't even remember the last time I opened the Quran, let alone reading the translation. I used to had so much time. So much time for myself.

Some days I feel severely depressed. I can't find my happiness in my job. I can't find the love in this job. But then, I don't know what else to do if I actually decide to quit this job.

I hate doing business. I don't know how to make money from my blog. I don't know how to do marketing. What else can I do?

Every day I chant to myself, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah. May He gives me happiness in this "so-called" noble job of mine. May he leads me to the right path. InsyaAllah, I'm sure everything will get better. I just have to believe in myself.

I don't know why I'm so depressed.
😞

New Place, New Life, and The Uncertainties.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of uncertainty. I hate going to new places. 

I remember curling up on the floor the day after I received my SPM results and had to make decisions on where I am going. I remember thinking I hate growing up. I remember thinking I hate to cross that line, that uncertainty.

Nonetheless, as Ellice Grey would say it - the carousel never stop turning. I have to endure it anyway, and so far I have been surviving. Had a great time along the way too.

I have been posted to Hospital Enche Besar Hajjah Khalsom in Kluang, Johor. New place, new environment, new colleague. I hate the part where I am the only "junior" MO. I am alone. That's just the worst of all. I hope I won't get bullied. I hope my colleague are great. I just really hope the best for myself. 

I am always alone somehow. I entered matriculation alone. I went to Russia alone. I entered Selayang Hospital alone. Alone as in no one I knew came with me. After my 2nd posting during housemanship, I practically entered every department alone. Sighh...

Yeah, you can say it's some sort a sad situation but I make a lot of friends a long the way. I really hope this time it will be the same. 

Wish me luck as a medical MO. I am terrified out of my brain right now! *cries*

Daddy

Daddy always light up a smile whenever he sees us, whenever we're back home or visit him whenever he's in KL. He looks very happy when he meet us.

Always telling my mother that he misses us.

Kept asking me when Saddam is coming back from UK.

I wonder, how come he never had that look when we were younger, when we were around at home?

Sigh. I miss u too daddy but I wished u did things differently back then.

My life

"Dear Allah, please don't make me hate this job I love doing"

Wedding Jitters

I think bB is getting a little bit over stressed about the wedding. Especially when everything I like seems to be over RM1000+

I am in love with this designer Arma Abd Rahman Wedding Couture but the price! OMG.. I could just faint. Although, most wedding couture prices ranges about the same. But bB seem to disagree with me to spend too much for a wedding dress. And I need 3 wedding dresses. T_T

So for now, I gave up on searching for a tailor. I'm just going to ask my mom to find me a good and not-so-expensive tailor with (hopefully) a good workmanship for my wedding dresses.

Then I started searching for a make up artist. Took me almost a week of searching, from Google to Facebook to Instagram. So I found this lady, Lin Elier whose workmanship is so natural and so lovely and so gorgeous and then I found out she's charging RM1000 per session and my heart just breaks. Later I found out it's the same make up artist that did Farisa's reception. So pretty okay!!

My heart just kept breaking every time I start searching for my wedding things.

The problem with me is I want it grand, or at least look grand. Every one said it wouldn't matter, but it matters to me. I want to be satisfied. I don't want to regret anything later. If only money wasn't the problem.

Sigh...

Happy New Year 2014

This is my 2nd year working on New Year. No plans on New Year's Eve except for sleeping in early.

Summarizing 2013?
How should I put it? Housemanship is tough! I don't know how I survived 1 year of torture. Although, there are times that I appreciate it and loving my job. It takes time getting used to, but there are always (most) days that I thought of quitting.

This job is draining my energy. Well, enough about my job. It'll never end if I start talking about what I 'love' about my job. :P

Anyway, for the past years when I was still in Moscow, I usually writes about my resolutions and what I've accomplished. But I don't think I have the time anymore. I miss my time. I miss spending new years with close friends. I miss being silly and doing stupid things.

I just wish that things will get better. I wish I'll get through this. I wish to be a great doctor. I wish for health, wealth and love for me and my family. I wish things will go smoothly for my wedding (the anticipation is killing me) and I hope unresolved things will get resolved soon.

May I have more patience for my patients.

Happy New Year peeps!
May it be a good year. InsyaAllah. Cheers!

Where is my heart?

I'm struggling to find back my passion towards medicine. I used to love it so much. I mean, I still love medicine, but when I am back from work, all I can about is sleep. Even when I am at work, all I can think about is sleep. I WANT SLEEP.

I am lacking in so many things. My supervisors don't think I'm improving. I don't know if I still have that confidence or strength to go on. I don't let my parents know about it, though.

I still wake up at 5 a.m, to be at work by 6 a.m. At times I get to work by 7 a.m because I overslept and I won't have time to review all my patients by 8.30 am, and I get scolded for not knowing my patient's progress or when I forgot to fill in their latest blood results or when I mixed up my patients. And they say "potong 1 jam gaji" because I woke up late. And they'll say "You know, during my time as a houseman I took care of 28 patients!" I understand that, and I am severely impressed by how they did it! Anyway, I never went back on time. I always end up staying 1 or 2 hours later anyway but I won't get that extra pay. They should know right? Even they don't always go back on time either.

By the time I got back, I never open my books. I don't have the mood, because all I want is SLEEP. My precious precious sleep. I want 12 hours of sleep.

The cycle goes on, and I get scolded for not knowing the pathology of a disease or the aetiology or the common symptoms. I get scolded because I never revised at home. Yes, 7 years of med school and I still can't remember what bacterias cause Pneumonia. heh. 5 months of holiday, I didn't even open any books. So, yeah.

I just don't know what will happen. Everyone said it'll get better, but will it really? With my current situation, no one says I'm improving, and I don't even have that feeling where I want to prove them wrong.....

Anyway, apart from my depression. We found the perfect engagement ring for me! Finally!!! Although, we have to order a new size which will take a month. My fingers are too small.. The ring is very simple, so don't expect anything fancy. heee.. =)

One Big Little Step

Oh! We can't decide on an engagement date!!!

He wants it to be January, but I'll be just starting work in January. He wants it to be done before he goes into Medical Department. Otherwise he said it'll be in 2014. But I think I need time to adapt myself to work and I don't think I can divide my time and energy between working and arranging an engagement ceremony!

I want it to be simple but even if I just invite family and close friends, you must know, my father has 16 siblings (from 4 mothers) and my mother has 9 siblings (from 1 mother). Count all the cousins, nieces, nephews and grandchildren and that just makes the ceremony far from simple, I think.

And you must know the Malays. You can't invite one person, without inviting the other person. Even if you don't fancy that one aunt. In the end, I'm sure my mother will spread the words around anyway...

Plus, I can't just let my mother do all the preparations! I want to be in it too since it's my ceremony too!

What if I'm still tagging at that time or what if I got Medical or Surgical or Obstetrics Department as my first post?! Wouldn't that be difficult for me too? I mean, he's already adapt to work almost a year now, and I am just starting. I am afraid that stress will get to me, and the ceremony will be a disaster because I easily breakdown if things don't go my way...

Oh, this is so stressful.... and this is just thinking about the date! Not yet the actual planning!

Baby's Formula Milk, Is it Necessary?

This thing is bothering my mind so much! I really shouldn't have entered the conversation, it's quite hard to convince stubborn people, and in the end I was just talking nonsense because I wanted to win. Yeah, I can be childish like that, when I get into an argument, but in the end I just left the conversation since it was going no where and no one seem to get my point. Okay, just so you know, this went on in Facebook.

The argument started because the vice PM stated that baby's formula milk is super expensive (some can reach to more than rm100) because the Malaysian Medical Council wants to promote mothers to breastfeed their child. First of all, he stated that the reason was based on MMC's proposal, it wasn't just the government's decision. But somehow that guy that was unhappy with the vice PM's reason said he was being unreasonable for the hike of baby's formula price, and that the reason was just plain typical and making the people look stupid.

I for one, did not disagree with that statement. As far as I know, yes, breastfeeding is not easy. I have seen mothers struggling to give milk to their babies while I was in the Obstetrics department and I'm sure there's no difference with Malaysian mothers.

I can't really tell you the details of the argument, but this guy and some of his friends who are fathers really slammed me. They said, not everyone can afford buying formula, why didn't the government think of those poor people, those hungry babies? One lady commented that only 5% of mothers can't breastfeed. Then he said what if those 5% are among those poor people? I mean, really?

Then another came in, saying what about after the baby is 2 years old. Everyone knows that you should breastfeed your child only until they're 2 years old. Well, that is if you're following the Quran, and you really should, but if you can't afford buying formula, you'd know that breast milk can go on until the baby is 3 years old. And plus, at that age, a kid can probably eat solid food. Is formula really necessary?

I've read an article saying that formula milk is actually the cause of child obesity. I know we'd want our child to grow up healthy but is it necessary? but how does obesity say about health of formula milk anyway?

I for one never took formula milk according to my mother because I was lactose intolerant. All breast milk, and when she was at work, I was fed with just mineral water. After 6 months, I was given fresh milk because I seem to be fine feeding with fresh milk and after 2 years old, I had Milo until I finished primary school. And then I just started to hate milk because it made my tummy feels uncomfortable. I started drinking milk again after I finished school, but I never liked milk anyway. My mother never gave me and my siblings formula milk when we finished our breastfeeding period. She always give FRESH MILK AND MILO. And we grew up pretty healthy, I must say. With great grades at school too. Again, the question rises, is formula milk really necessary?

The problem is, I've known mothers who don't want to breastfeed because they're afraid that their breast will look ugly, I've heard mothers who don't want to breastfeed because it's not trendy. It's because they chose to give their child formula, not because they can't breastfeed. And if you stop breastfeeding, the glands will stop working after a week, your breast will produce no more milk. So I'm not surprise why MMC proposed the price increase of formula milk. So that people won't buy them?

I know I am not a mother, and I've no rights to say how a parent should feed their child. But really, there is no way a mother who can bear a child will not produce any milk AT ALL. I think you could at least produce 1 teaspoon of milk. Every animal that gives birth can milk their babies! Unless perhaps they have some hormonal problems. I am wondering, how did our grandparents grew up? Did they have formula milk back then? Were there women that can't breastfeed? What did they do?

I asked my mother, she said "traditional massage" by the midwives. Well, if modern medicine can't make you produce milk, always go back to the olden days. They can't all be wrong, right?

There's another way, which is called "milk mothers", where another mother gives her milk to a child that is not hers. But there is a rule in Islam, where if the child is fed by the same mothers more than 5 separate times until the child is full, the child becomes "mahram" to the woman and to her children. Mahram means, you are considered as blood relatives and you can't get married to the woman who breastfed you and her children. I suggested that this be done among cousins, then that guy argued what if the child falls in love and wants to get married. I didn't do any research before going into that argument with him, but I said some stupid stuffs. Anyway, why do you still want to fall in love with that person if you know you can't marry him? Plus, medically and religious views as well, that it is unhealthy to marry among cousins. It is not wrong, but if it not good for your offspring why consider it? Then, they said that love is blind. And that it is God who made us meet our partner. I said, then it is God's will that they've become "milk siblings" too, if that's the case. Did he forget that only 5% of mothers can't breastfeed their child? and what's wrong if it's done among cousins anyway? How many of us marries our cousins? We're not even the royalties. And even royalties nowadays don't marry between cousins that much either.

He just fought me and fought me, and find reasons that my solutions will not solve the problem and that the only way to solve this problem is that if the government lowers the price of  formula milk. Because there is no other way to feed your child other than feeding formula milk and if the mother can't produce milk, she should just let it be and accept fate. According to him and all the men that was in that conversation.

I've been googling to find if it's possible for a child to grow up and live without formula milk and breast milk, if there it was possible for babies to be fed with fresh milk, but to no avail, I've find no answer to my question. I can't say my experience growing up without formula milk because my mother could produce breast milk.

So my question to you is, why do you still want to buy formula milk if it is so bloody expensive? I think it goes to show how you can actually afford to buy one. Because if I was a poor person and I can't breast feed, I don't think I will be living in Kuala Lumpur and I know I'd steal milk from the cow. Natural fresh unpasteurized cow's milk for my baby. I know, there is a way to avoid buying formula milk. So if you can't produce milk, find every possible way to avoid giving your baby formula, unless you can afford buying formula milk. But really, no ones likes a person who doesn't try but keeps on complaining.

Please tell me what you think of this issue...

For Heaven's Sake, I'm Freaking 25!!!

Why is it when you're staying at your parent's house you're bound to their rules? I can't go anywhere without telling them. There's also the fact, I don't have a car and can't afford to have one yet. I can't go anywhere without my mother. I can't do MY STUFFS. I can't go and meet my boyfriend. I can't just freaking do MY THINGS! I can't leave my room messy, I can't leave my bathroom messy, I can't cook what I want, I can't wake up in the afternoon, I can't be seen sleeping in the afternoon, I just freaking can't.....

For heaven's sake, I'm 25 years old! 26 in 3 months! I've been almost everywhere in Europe. I went out partying and came back at 7 am in the morning on every New Year's eve. I spent every single day with my boyfriend for 5 years! EVERY SINGLE DAY for almost 1826 days. Now I can't even get permission to see my own soon-to-be fiance! I didn't even asked for permission. I just said my plan, and she immediately said "NO! TAK PAYAH NAK MENGADA".

I am having 2nd thoughts about working and staying at my parents place. Eventhough I'll be saving a lot of money but I feel like appealing to work somewhere other than Kuantan. I feel like going away again, if this continues. I am THIS close (putting my thumb and index finger 1 cm apart) THIS close to rebelling. Although, I'm not 18 anymore and that would make look like such a child. Sighhhhhhh...... I just want to run away somewhere.

I want my freedom back.

And I've been spending only one month at home and I'm already feeling like this...

Other than that, my interview will be conducted on the 17th of October. Do wish me luck! I have not prepared anything yet. Well, maybe just about 5%. I do hope everything goes well! InsyaAllah.

Posts on my UK trip will have to wait for awhile. Do be patient. I won't abandon my travelling experience! I hope I'll have the mood and time to write!

How do I do this?

I don't tend to ignore a person, but every time I get friendly, boys tend to get the wrong idea. 

Every time we talk, I'd tell him about my boyfriend, and I can see that he doesn't like hearing about it, but he must've known I'm not giving any positive feedback to him. 

I don't understand why he's still trying. I told him not to call me 'dear' or 'love'. I've ignored him multiple times. I didn't even give him my phone number, even when he gave me mine. I've gave multiple reasons not to meet him.

I can't stand how he's always telling me how sweet I am, how cute I am, how pretty I am. Oh, it's so not me! I know I'm not sweet. I might have a sweet smile though. And I'm not THAT pretty. It's so annoying when guys try to get your attention by telling you how beautiful your physical is without truly actually knowing you. But I don't want him to know me. I just don't want to get near him.

I know guys won't be friend with girls if they don't have a slightest hope that the girl will be theirs. Unless he's a childhood friend who considers the relationship like brother and sister.

Some guys are charming, and that's a talent. I like guys who don't show that he likes the girl. That doesn't make it too obvious. Who just sneaks in and steal my heart. I think you all know who that is. ;)

But oh my God! This guy is not giving up!!! Until one time I actually  had to set "appear offline" to this guy because I just don't have time to chat about silly, empty things. If it's not important, don't buzz me, don't say 'hi', don't ask me what I am doing currently. It's none of your importance. Even my own boyfriend doesn't buzz me or call me every single day. I like that space.

I just hope he's like all the other guys that tried to hit on me. I just hope it's just a phase and they'll move on and ignore me. It's not like I don't like the attention. I love it, I love to know that I still have a price in the 'market', but right now the only attention I'm craving from is my boyfriend. 

I really don't know how to say 'no' to him without breaking his heart. Because breaking a guy's heart has too many consequences. Even though it's not even my fault. Who the hell asked him to play with fire or to let himself drown in something that won't even be possible? He told me he's not hitting on me, but he's just trying to get to know me better. Yeah, right. Why do you want to know me better? hrmmm...

A Pretty Face Doesn't Always Mean A Pretty Heart

Let's forget that I have some sort of mini exam tomorrow. I decided not to go to class this morning. So I'm "trying" to fill my brains with all of the knowledge I've collected since 3rd year on Therapy. Can I trust my brain to not let me down? The momentum hasn't kicked in yet. Have I forgotten that I have a mini exam tomorrow? Shit...

Ok. Stop blabbering. I wanted to tell you about something else.

Few months ago, some dude sent a friend request to me via Facebook. I don't usually add people I don't recognize. Usually, I'll screen them with sending them a message, "Do I know you?" Most would say no, but they would like to be 'friends'. Usually, I told them off politely saying my Facebook profile is too public for a stranger, and they would yap about how we could know eachother better if we're friends on Facebook. Sometimes, I get negative response, where they said my face doesn't correlate with my attitude. But most time they'd just ignore me after I ignored them.

Anyway, this one dude. The first time we interacted, he said I was cute, pretty and all sorts of compliments. Not that I didn't like the compliment but it was just too much. I know I'm not that pretty. Out of a sudden, he said he wants to be my boyfriend. I had to lie to him and said I WAS ENGAGED! I was freaked out, and I'm sure these kind of guy won't give up if I just said I have a boyfriend. That was the first time.

Last 3 days was the 2nd time where we interacted. We were chatting and suddenly out of the blue, he asked me for a picture. I was like, what the f---? Of course I said NO. Why would any girl give out a picture of themselves to a stranger? He was persuading and stuff, and I just ignored it. Then, he asked again if I'd like to be his girlfriend. I told him "I'm taken", then he said, "I know, just kidding". Pushing your luck mister? I don't know why he even tried! He doesn't even know me. Just because I'm pretty? He doesn't know that I'm hot tempered, stubborn, messy and lazy!

but I hope I have both. =D

First of all, he didn't leave any good impression on me. Like, his English sucks for one. Not like I have a good command of English grammar all the time, but you know what I mean. Like I asked this guy, "So what do you do?" which is a question about work, which literally means "Are you working or studying or just fooling around?". He answered, "do nothing, layan2 mata tgk2 vdeo2 movie2 tp xleh2 nk tdo" (translate: doing nothing, just laying around watching movie, but can't seem to fall asleep). OK. #Facepalm. I asked a different question, he answered something else. "What are you doing?" and "What do you do?" are completely different questions! Sigh. In the end, he never told me what he does for a living once I told him I'm a medic student. Don't know if it's the case of ego or not. At least he's not using the "kew", "letew", "nyeww" in his Malay. That is just annoying!

I told bB about it, he laughed and just said, "Of course you wouldn't even care for this guy when you already have a cool, macho, doctor boyfriend like me!" (Ok, I added a few stuffs there, but he did say 'macho'). Not to say that what he said is completely untrue. But I know I would have acted the same way even if I'm not in a relationship with bB right now.

I am cocky. I think I know everything, I think I can do everything. So if I want a guy, I need a guy to be confident, and can prove me wrong without being annoying. Let's face it, ALL GUYS ARE SUPER ANNOYING. They want to be right all the time. I had this argument with Hariz the other day about, "Why don't you learn to cook?" I mean, he's in oversea most of the time and his wife doesn't follow him all the time. He said "I can cook maggie mee" and I 'm like, "a 5 year old can make maggie mee". Then he said, "Maggie mee 3 rasa, boleh ke?" I said, "Of course! Put the noodles, hot water and 3 flavours and you'll get 3 rasa. A 5 year old can think of that". Seriously, if you can't give me a good point, you should rather just drop it, or I'll dubbed you "ANNOYING!" What's wrong with learning to cook anyway?? and why can't he just answered honestly, "Malas" (lazy).

How to prove me wrong without being annoying? Shut up when you know you're wrong. Guys just give stupid answers when they try to win which is just SUPER DUPER ANNOYING! I just want to give that person a slap! bB just gave up most of the time we argued and let me win. That's even better! Then he'll say to me, "It's not about winning all the time". In my head - Of course it is!!! I'm such a stubborn girl. Of course if I'm really wrong, he would let me know it. He won't let me get off so easily. I would get upset if I loss, and he'll come and make things better or I'll just let it go if I think it's a small matter. Of course, we'll talk about it later, and he lets me win again. Sometimes. haha. :P

To those guys out there, don't try a girl just because she has a pretty face. She might not have a pretty attitude. They don't do you good. At least get to know her first, like personally know her (not by stalking her Facebook) before you decided jump the wagon. Decide to be with her only when you know you won't break her heart and she won't break yours. Me and bB were close for a year before we decided to be in a relationship, and 5 years later still haven't decide when we'll take the next step. Why rush?

I'm between Spring and Winter. haha. =P

Overdosed

I'm currently in Therapy/Medical cycle right now...

So we're with Dr. T again!! We had Dr. T. in 5th year 1st semester.. We already aimed him since last semester to get him this semester because we'll be spending 5 weeks in Medical this semester and WHAT LUCK! We got him! (I said too many "semesters" in this sentence)

2 and 1/2 weeks just passed by so fast. He's so adorable and such a sweetheart. Not to mention charming and kind and of course very smart! Plus, he's only 29 years old! Sighhhh...

Imagine my class has 6 girls and 1 guy. Every single day we'll be like "AWWWWW..." every time he does something sweet.

He was telling us about a rabbit that came by his house and eating all the plants in his garden (Honestly, I don't know how he actually grew a garden in winter. Maybe they were plants in pots?) So he caught the rabbit the other day, and he told us that rabbit is a male. And he gave us the honor to name the rabbit!! The whole class went "Awwwwwwwww~"...

I think I'm having too much of his sweetness. I haven't miss class yet, while the others have, and I think I'm overdosing on his sweetness. Now I'm considering to miss at least 1 day of class just to shake off those sweet stuffs, but at the same time, I'll feel a bit of regret missing class for no reason. I rarely ever miss class.

Today, finally we sat in a room. Since his office is under renovation, we've been having classes at the hospital's corridor. Sitting on the sofa at the patient's "living room", I supposed.  We borrowed Dr. Shaidyuk's room since she'll be away until 31st March. There was a coffee machine in the room. Then he asked out of a sudden, "Do you guys want coffee?". Of course we said, "No, thanks. It's ok". Then he said, "No, I want coffee and I don't want to drink alone". So he went off washing the cups and prepared coffee for us. He was the barista for the day. All of us looked at each other so awkwardly! LOL!

So we sat, drinking coffee and talking about coffee. Yeah, it was so weird. but he's so sweet! >_<

I'm telling you, I'm overdosing.

So sad, that only 2 and 1/2 weeks left...

This is Our Life

Been reading too many blogs lately. HO blogs, MO blogs, Pharmacists blogs.

Every one of them complains. HO complains about the mistreatment of the MOs and specialist, about the WORKLOAD. MO complains about the attitudes of the HOs, about the WORKLOAD. Pharmacists complains about the attitudes of doctors, patients and the WORKLOAD.

People. It's the profession we chose. NO WORKLOAD = NO PATIENTS = NO WORK = NO MONEY.

Yeah. I'm not working yet. So shut up right? hrmm..

I hope I won't complain when I start working. That would be shameful. heh. :-|

Gimme A Sign

It's been a week now. I've not cooled down. I actually feel more pissed than ever! I'm not even sure if he's serious about breaking up or not. Because he changed his profile picture of us two in Rome with a very sweet caption. So basically, I'm wondering,

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?

Usually, after a fight, he'll let me be until he has cooled down or until I gave him a sign. Usually, I'm the one who goes back to him. So right now, within this week, I haven't exactly posted anything on Facebook that gives any sign that he can say 'hi' to me nor have I greet him in any way (chat, message, sms or even call). I just act like nothing ever happened. I'm doing my work like normal. Nothing's bothering me. I just want to see how much he actually cares about me, about this relationship.

Obviously I'm confused. Because he broke up with me. And then, he posted a profile picture of US.

I can't say 'hi' to him first. He was the one who dumped me!! I see him online all the time and I didn't even appear offline like I usually do whenever I'm pissed at him. So, what more sign does he actually need? Seriously, what does he think I am? A puppy? A doll? A freakin' cyborg??? sheeesh~!

For him to let me be alone and pissed for A WEEK says that he just doesn't care anymore for this relationship, but a profile picture of US??? wtf dude? get on with it. Why are you so freaking CONFUSING?!! Trying to make me piss off another week. That's so typically you.

S.A.J.

When your hormones goes ups and downs.

When everything else fails, and I keep on crying, you'd make it worst by saying "Let's just break up" and hangs up the phone.

How I wish you would just DROP EVERYTHING that you're doing and JUST PAY YOUR ATTENTION to me. All I want is just you and me always,
Give me affection,
I need your perfection..

I'm always 2nd to your everything. I should accept that by now. I really should. It's has been 4 years. But I can't. Because it's not fair.

I know why you can't stand that I cried. I know why you walk away or shut the door or hang up the phone every time tears welled up my cheeks. You can't stand the fact that you're a FAILURE. FAILURE TO ME.

You said, lets continue this another time, I asked you "WHEN? WHEN WILL YOU HAVE TIME? WHEN?!" and YOU SAID, "LET'S JUST BREAK UP" every time things get tough between us. Like it is the easiest thing in the world to do. When you can't figure out what I want, when you can't make the tears stop. It breaks my heart every time, but most time the words don't even have meaning for me anymore. Because you always come back. And I always accept you back.

I wish you knew, all I wanted was you. And I can see that you just can't give me you. You asked me to understand your situations, but you don't understand OUR situation. MY SITUATION.

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan...

Maybe you'll come back like always when you've cool down. Maybe you won't. Maybe I'll be here like always. Maybe I won't.

Aduhai, Tanahairku..

"The race was cancelled amid confusion in the grandstand, with fans throwing bottles to show their initial displeasure."

Ahh.. the mentality of my nation. You see someone just got hit by 2 motorcycles and lying on the track, a sudden RED FLAGGED announcement and we decided to throw bottles. Great attitude people and the news gets into BBC. Great. Just great.

Obviously an event won't get cancelled for no reason. Especially these kind of events!

It's the same situation I encounter when I went to Malaysia vs Singapore for World Cup Qualifying Match in Summer. I'm not sure if the situation would have been different if Malaysia had won, but why the hell would you throw paper cups and water bottles filled with water down the balcony. Seriously, people were getting wet! Bottles hitting people's head! No compassion at ALL! sheeshhh..

FULL STORY on Italian rider Marco Simoncelli HERE

Rest In Peace Marco Simoncelli

grrrr... geram..

Sebenarnya, rasa macam nak delete profile picture dalam facebook yang ada gambar dia dengan saya. Sebab? sebab dia taknak upload gambar yang kitorang together. Kata nak simpan, lepas kahwin baru letak (tu pun kalau kahwin lah kan? Kalau tak, memang takde lah.)

Tapi........ ramai sangat comment gambar tu.. sayang pulak nak delete.

Siggggggggghhhh.. Yeah. I'm pathetic like that. >.<