Feeling Lost

Some days I wanna quit this dayjob of mine so bad and find something I really love doing and don't mind the stress. I want to find my passion and feel the happiness again.

I really miss my life in Moscow. It was hectic and sometimes stressful especially when you're dealing with the university or when the foreign students welfare is not met but somehow I had time to find the things I love doing. I could find time to actually read on things. Nowadays I can't even finish a single book. I can't even remember the last time I finished a novel. Can't even remember the last title of the book I "read".

I can't even remember the last time I opened the Quran, let alone reading the translation. I used to had so much time. So much time for myself.

Some days I feel severely depressed. I can't find my happiness in my job. I can't find the love in this job. But then, I don't know what else to do if I actually decide to quit this job.

I hate doing business. I don't know how to make money from my blog. I don't know how to do marketing. What else can I do?

Every day I chant to myself, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah. May He gives me happiness in this "so-called" noble job of mine. May he leads me to the right path. InsyaAllah, I'm sure everything will get better. I just have to believe in myself.

I don't know why I'm so depressed.
😞

New Place, New Life, and The Uncertainties.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of uncertainty. I hate going to new places. 

I remember curling up on the floor the day after I received my SPM results and had to make decisions on where I am going. I remember thinking I hate growing up. I remember thinking I hate to cross that line, that uncertainty.

Nonetheless, as Ellice Grey would say it - the carousel never stop turning. I have to endure it anyway, and so far I have been surviving. Had a great time along the way too.

I have been posted to Hospital Enche Besar Hajjah Khalsom in Kluang, Johor. New place, new environment, new colleague. I hate the part where I am the only "junior" MO. I am alone. That's just the worst of all. I hope I won't get bullied. I hope my colleague are great. I just really hope the best for myself. 

I am always alone somehow. I entered matriculation alone. I went to Russia alone. I entered Selayang Hospital alone. Alone as in no one I knew came with me. After my 2nd posting during housemanship, I practically entered every department alone. Sighh...

Yeah, you can say it's some sort a sad situation but I make a lot of friends a long the way. I really hope this time it will be the same. 

Wish me luck as a medical MO. I am terrified out of my brain right now! *cries*

Have I Sinned?

Sometimes, I get flashbacks of my patients that has passed. Mostly I thought the ones that died because of my incompetence and carelessness in my judgement.

They said you're not a good doctor if you never killed anyone.

But have I sinned? Killing is a sin. Some days I wonder. If my incompentence and carelessness cause them death. Is it a sin?

It's bad thinking about it. Sometimes the guilt is just too overwhelming. Although most of the time they were unexpected. Like you never thought the outcome would be that way because patient was so well until you gave one medication that was supposed to be contraindicated.

I really feel sad for him. He and his wife waited for hours in the emergency department. If only the surgical team had reviewed him earlier. I don't want to blame anyone. Wished I had better judgement that day. It's already almost 6 months had pass since the incident yet I'm still having difficulties forgetting that moment. I felt guilty because they waited for hours in the emergency department and he ended up dead. I felt guilty for his wife that waited beside him. I just really felt guilty. He seemed so well when he came.

I am so sorry.

Dear Allah, I hope you forgive me.
Dear uncle and auntie and the rest of your family, I hope you forgive me too.

Career path

The more I stay in this career path, the more I hate this job.

There is not one day that I haven't thought of quitting from becoming a doctor.

Annoyed

Annoying people are just annoying.
Don't think you'd know what other's are experiencing if you never experienced them yourselves.
Just shut up.
Just because all the bosses like you. Just because you're smart, doesn't mean you can be a leader.
5 postings, not once you've held a title to do the roster.
Not once anyone voted for you to become the HO leader, and yet you kept telling me how to do my job.
This is the second time I've held the title HO leader. This is the second time I'm doing the roster.
Don't you think they'd let me be the leader again if they didn't think I could do it?
Heh.

*Okay, Anna, no need to brag.

Wedding Jitters

I think bB is getting a little bit over stressed about the wedding. Especially when everything I like seems to be over RM1000+

I am in love with this designer Arma Abd Rahman Wedding Couture but the price! OMG.. I could just faint. Although, most wedding couture prices ranges about the same. But bB seem to disagree with me to spend too much for a wedding dress. And I need 3 wedding dresses. T_T

So for now, I gave up on searching for a tailor. I'm just going to ask my mom to find me a good and not-so-expensive tailor with (hopefully) a good workmanship for my wedding dresses.

Then I started searching for a make up artist. Took me almost a week of searching, from Google to Facebook to Instagram. So I found this lady, Lin Elier whose workmanship is so natural and so lovely and so gorgeous and then I found out she's charging RM1000 per session and my heart just breaks. Later I found out it's the same make up artist that did Farisa's reception. So pretty okay!!

My heart just kept breaking every time I start searching for my wedding things.

The problem with me is I want it grand, or at least look grand. Every one said it wouldn't matter, but it matters to me. I want to be satisfied. I don't want to regret anything later. If only money wasn't the problem.

Sigh...

Happy New Year 2014

This is my 2nd year working on New Year. No plans on New Year's Eve except for sleeping in early.

Summarizing 2013?
How should I put it? Housemanship is tough! I don't know how I survived 1 year of torture. Although, there are times that I appreciate it and loving my job. It takes time getting used to, but there are always (most) days that I thought of quitting.

This job is draining my energy. Well, enough about my job. It'll never end if I start talking about what I 'love' about my job. :P

Anyway, for the past years when I was still in Moscow, I usually writes about my resolutions and what I've accomplished. But I don't think I have the time anymore. I miss my time. I miss spending new years with close friends. I miss being silly and doing stupid things.

I just wish that things will get better. I wish I'll get through this. I wish to be a great doctor. I wish for health, wealth and love for me and my family. I wish things will go smoothly for my wedding (the anticipation is killing me) and I hope unresolved things will get resolved soon.

May I have more patience for my patients.

Happy New Year peeps!
May it be a good year. InsyaAllah. Cheers!

Wake Up Call!

Oh God! The letter finally arrived. After 4 months of a looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggg holiday, I'm finally going to start working!

I'll know which hospital I'll be posted to on the first day of Induction, which is on the 11th of December according to the letter.

This means, I have less than a week left to do and prepare whatever I need and want before going to Kajang!

Suddenly I feel like I'm not so ready to work. But life has to move on, I can't live off my parents for the rest of my life and what a waste of my medical degree.. haha..

Anyway, WISH ME THE BEST OF LUCK, will you? =S

Dr. Maimuna reporting for duty

Kursus Pra-Perkahwinan di Kuantan

*Jika perlukan post ini di dalam Bahasa Melayu, sila berikan komen, saya akan cuba buat post baru dalam BM, cheers!*

I had the courtesy of attending a Pre-marital course last weekend at Masjid Sultan Ahmad Shah. Translated in Malay, Pre-marital course means Kursus Pra-Perkahwinan or in short, kursus kahwin.

Every Muslim in Malaysia needs to attend this course in order to get married. If you didn't attend one or if you failed to produce a certificate that you've attended one during your "i do" day, the Department of Islamic Development Malaysia (JAKIM) would not proceed with the ceremony. In short, you won't get the permission to be married.

It's just basically a 2-day course (from 8am to 5pm) consists of listening to lectures. Some of the lectures are good, some are quite boring, but all of them are very informative. It depends on the lecturer. Anyway,I thought it was a very good reminder, since as a human we tend to forget. Most of the topics we already learned in school, but I have to admit, I've forgotten some of them.

I didn't go with bB, since he still doesn't feel like going, yet. In the end, I went with my friends. But I think it is better to go with your friends, otherwise it'll be quite boring, because you'll be separated from your boyfriend/fiance.

Okay, I'm writing this posts so that you guys will know how and where to attend one in Kuantan. Because when I was searching for it on Google, I couldn't even find one decent info on the course held in Kuantan. Most of the blog or web are about the ones held in KL. Even the JAIP site couldn't give enough information. In the end, I posted a question on FB, and it was answered by my friends.

So, if you have any desire of attending Pre-marital course in Kuantan, the first thing you have to do is

1. Get the FORM. 
   How to get THE FORM? Just go to Pejabat Agama Islam Daerah Kuantan. The building has a sign "Pejabat Daerah & Tanah Kuantan". Don't ask me why Islamic Department building has a State Department sign. Seems some of my friends told me that they just switched building, but I still have no idea why they didn't have the courtesy to change the sign. Seriously.
   
   Where is Pejabat Agama Islam Daerah Kuantan? It's located between Shahzan Inn and The State Mosque (Sultan Ahmad Shah Mosque), just behind the Kuantan Art Museum. You will see an orange building with the sign "Pejabat Daerah & Tanah Kuantan".
   
   If you intend on using the Google Map or GPS, please write Pejabat Daerah & Tanah Kuantan. They didn't update their address yet either.
   
   When you're there, remember, YOU HAVE TO COVER YOUR AURAT in order to enter the office. Once you're inside, just go to any counter and ask for the form. Sometimes they will just put the forms inside a basket. Just look for the sign "BORANG KURSUS KAHWIN"
    
2. FILL IN the form
   Well, this is pretty basic. I think you'd be able to fill in the form without any problem. Just remember, you will need to provide a copy of your IC.
   
   
3. SUBMIT the form
   Submit the form along with the RM 80 fee. Yup, there's a fee, and it's RM80 for one course, but there will be only one course for the rest of your life. You don't need to attend anymore course if you got divorced and want to get married again or if you intend of having more than 1 wife. One course, one certificate lasts for a lifetime.

Pretty easy right?

Once you've submitted your form, they will print a receipt for you and give you the date of the course. Please check your name properly on the receipt, because you don't want them to wrongly print your name on the certificate.

ON THE DAY OF THE COURSE

When we asked the lady at the counter where the course was held, she said  "It's here". Please make sure to call the office and ask again where the course is held, or you'll be like us, wandering around the office, wondering why the place was close and empty. In the end, we were late, and found out that the course was at The State Mosque after asking the guard.

When entering The State Mosque, just look for the sign "BILIK SEMINAR". It is held there. :)

REMEMBER, you will need to dress in modesty. Baju kurung/jubah and make sure you cover your hair. ;) If you're a guy, it doesn't matter as long as it's modest.


Okay, hope this will help you guys!

If  you have any further questions about this, you can call Pejabat Agama Islam Daerah Kuantan at 09-5161154.

One step closer, I supposed? :">

For Heaven's Sake, I'm Freaking 25!!!

Why is it when you're staying at your parent's house you're bound to their rules? I can't go anywhere without telling them. There's also the fact, I don't have a car and can't afford to have one yet. I can't go anywhere without my mother. I can't do MY STUFFS. I can't go and meet my boyfriend. I can't just freaking do MY THINGS! I can't leave my room messy, I can't leave my bathroom messy, I can't cook what I want, I can't wake up in the afternoon, I can't be seen sleeping in the afternoon, I just freaking can't.....

For heaven's sake, I'm 25 years old! 26 in 3 months! I've been almost everywhere in Europe. I went out partying and came back at 7 am in the morning on every New Year's eve. I spent every single day with my boyfriend for 5 years! EVERY SINGLE DAY for almost 1826 days. Now I can't even get permission to see my own soon-to-be fiance! I didn't even asked for permission. I just said my plan, and she immediately said "NO! TAK PAYAH NAK MENGADA".

I am having 2nd thoughts about working and staying at my parents place. Eventhough I'll be saving a lot of money but I feel like appealing to work somewhere other than Kuantan. I feel like going away again, if this continues. I am THIS close (putting my thumb and index finger 1 cm apart) THIS close to rebelling. Although, I'm not 18 anymore and that would make look like such a child. Sighhhhhhh...... I just want to run away somewhere.

I want my freedom back.

And I've been spending only one month at home and I'm already feeling like this...

Other than that, my interview will be conducted on the 17th of October. Do wish me luck! I have not prepared anything yet. Well, maybe just about 5%. I do hope everything goes well! InsyaAllah.

Posts on my UK trip will have to wait for awhile. Do be patient. I won't abandon my travelling experience! I hope I'll have the mood and time to write!