Sunday, May 9, 2010
Whatever I did, I'm sorry
I'm never great at making friends.
I'm always appear to be too proud and snobbish. People portray me as the 'rich girl'. Well, I am proud and snobbish sometimes because I'm proud of who I am. I can't help feeling that way but I'm not that confident with myself to be frank, I still have that low self esteem going on in me. The rich girl part can't be help, but the truth is I'm not rich nor are my family. We're normal people.
It's difficult for me to make the first move. I get along easily with friendly people, with those who don't judge me before they know me. I help those who are in need, but it's hard for me to voluntarily give help. haha. I don't know why. But I do it from time to time because it's the right thing to do. :)
But sometimes, a friendship goes wrong. It doesn't happen to me once or twice. I lost count. Several times perhaps. Most of it I forgot about it because it's too hurtful to think about. Most times, they blame me for it. People don't like proud people. People don't like people who are better than them. People don't like people who has more than them especially those who are close to them. Well, this is my experience. They don't like me because of what I speak, of what I say, of how I act after they've created a friendship between us, they stop talking to me and they just left me wondering. But the truth is, I'm no better than them. I'm just like them. I have nothing more that what you have and I am content.
After I confront them, they'd tell me how I am always too proud of myself, proud of what I have, proud of whatever that belongs to me, how I don't care about other people's feelings and say mean things. Yes I have that kind of problem, I don't think before I say things. They always come out wrong but I never realised it until later. I just say what I feel like saying. And! I have a problem of saying sorry. I mean, I feel sorry deep down in my heart about how I acted, but it's just hard to say them especially when I'm confronting the people. I get freaked out, scared, depressed. It's all in my head "I'M REALLY SORRY! REALLY" but they come out wrong like blabber, like stutter, and they interpret it wrongly, like it's not sincere enough. *sigh*
True friends are hard to find. Those who don't take the 'mean' things I say seriously, who thinks that those 'mean' things are just jokes (well, perhaps they are). They are my true friends.
To me, losing a friend is worse than breaking up with a guy. I'm still friends with my exes actually and it bothers my bf. But friendship is just too precious to me.
I hope you're still my friend. I hope you'll be my true friend. If I did something wrong please tell, I'll make it up somehow. I'm sorry. Truly sorry.