Feeling Lost

Some days I wanna quit this dayjob of mine so bad and find something I really love doing and don't mind the stress. I want to find my passion and feel the happiness again.

I really miss my life in Moscow. It was hectic and sometimes stressful especially when you're dealing with the university or when the foreign students welfare is not met but somehow I had time to find the things I love doing. I could find time to actually read on things. Nowadays I can't even finish a single book. I can't even remember the last time I finished a novel. Can't even remember the last title of the book I "read".

I can't even remember the last time I opened the Quran, let alone reading the translation. I used to had so much time. So much time for myself.

Some days I feel severely depressed. I can't find my happiness in my job. I can't find the love in this job. But then, I don't know what else to do if I actually decide to quit this job.

I hate doing business. I don't know how to make money from my blog. I don't know how to do marketing. What else can I do?

Every day I chant to myself, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah. May He gives me happiness in this "so-called" noble job of mine. May he leads me to the right path. InsyaAllah, I'm sure everything will get better. I just have to believe in myself.

I don't know why I'm so depressed.
😞

Have I Sinned?

Sometimes, I get flashbacks of my patients that has passed. Mostly I thought the ones that died because of my incompetence and carelessness in my judgement.

They said you're not a good doctor if you never killed anyone.

But have I sinned? Killing is a sin. Some days I wonder. If my incompentence and carelessness cause them death. Is it a sin?

It's bad thinking about it. Sometimes the guilt is just too overwhelming. Although most of the time they were unexpected. Like you never thought the outcome would be that way because patient was so well until you gave one medication that was supposed to be contraindicated.

I really feel sad for him. He and his wife waited for hours in the emergency department. If only the surgical team had reviewed him earlier. I don't want to blame anyone. Wished I had better judgement that day. It's already almost 6 months had pass since the incident yet I'm still having difficulties forgetting that moment. I felt guilty because they waited for hours in the emergency department and he ended up dead. I felt guilty for his wife that waited beside him. I just really felt guilty. He seemed so well when he came.

I am so sorry.

Dear Allah, I hope you forgive me.
Dear uncle and auntie and the rest of your family, I hope you forgive me too.

Final Night in Moscow

Tonight's my last night in Moscow. It feels so sad to leave this place, where I call my home for 7 years but at the same time, I can't wait to be home in Malaysia with my family.

Moscow has thought me a lot of things about life, especially in being independent and stronger in strenght and my way of thinking. I don't know how things will go tomorrow, I just hope everything will go smoothly. I just pray there will be no misfortune befall onto us. May Allah protect me and my friends and may we arrive in our destination safely. InsyaAllah.

The things I'll miss most about Moscow will definitely be the SNOW! And of course the friends I've made who became my family. Without them, I don't think I could have survived Moscow. I'll cherished every memories we made. I hope we'll meet again in the future and never be out of touch.

To my readers, thank you for following my posts through my life in med school. My travels, my sorrow and happiness. I'll be updating posts about my Kazan trip and Saint Petersburg soon and also about my graduation ceremony! Most probably when I'm all settled down in my room back home in Kuantan. Please be patient! I'm so sorry for being so busy! >_<

So, farewell Moscow, may we meet again someday. Maybe next time with my children? haha. :">

What Makes Us Girls

"This is what makes us girls 

We all look for heaven and we put our love first 

Somethin' that we'd die for, it's our curse 

Don't cry about it, don't cry about it 

This is what makes us girls 

We don't stick together 'cause we put our love first 

Don't cry about him, don't cry about him 

It's all gonna happen"

1 Malaysia, 1 Dream?

There are so much havoc going on in Malaysia currently. All the news feed on Facebook are filled with Bersih 3.0 that was held yesterday and the pictures doesn't look pretty. While I am here, I can't say what happened there between the authorities and the civilians, but a picture can tell a thousand lies, or even a thousand truths. Who's to blame?

I can't say I support any of them because what I see both sides are ignorant and proud. Protest are held everywhere in the world. While I was in Barcelona, I was in the midst of a government protest. We didn't know it was a government protest because the signs were in Spanish and there were a lot of balloons giving out to people. BUT there was no teargas, there was no deaths, there was no running and screaming at authorities and most of all, THERE WAS NO TRAFFIC JAMS OR BLOCKED ROADS. Yes, the authorities were there. They were just looking out at them, nothing more. And the civilians just do continued on with their protest. I was in Barcelona for A WEEK. There was another protest held the following weekend. I've been told, they held protests every weekend.

Protest in Barcelona

Why can't Malaysians have some civilized mind? It doesn't matter whether you are the civilians or the authorities, everything shouldn't be like yesterday's event. I feel like we were in some 3rd world country running a war (from what I saw) eventhough people were giving reasons as to why it had happened. I say, IT SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

The police on the other hand, WHY DO YOU GUYS HAVE TO THROW TEARGASES WHEN PEOPLE ARE JUST SITTING THERE?!!

Arghhhh! I don't get it!!!

Source: Google

I think our country is democratic enough. If there weren't any fair elections, BN would have not lost 3 states last election.

I don't know what is the TRUE purpose of Bersih 3.0. All I see is people taking advantages of the event. Like the tshirt sales. All I can think was, "wow! Untung giler tauke mana yang buat tshirt ni!". And I feel like it's WRONG! You are no better than the government taking advantage of us.

I am in the Malaysian Students Association in my uni. Although I am just the vice treasurer, I am responsible for the students welfare as well. Students will complain and talk about their dissatisfaction, while we are the one who are trying to make the changes. Do you think it is easy to deal with the university and hostel administrations? Politics are dirty, no matter where, no matter how small the association may be. There will be dirty politics, especially when money is involve. But, there are not many students who are willing to step up and be in the Students Association to make the changes. No one wants to get their hand dirty. Everyone wants to play safe. But if you're smart, you can make changes without the need to get your hands (too) dirty.

If you can't beat them, join them and make the changes within. That's my point of view. If you're smart enough. But if you're stupid, you run amok in the city centre, causing death of people and crying like a little child until you get what you want, which I think no one will take you seriously later. 

I don't see how you can gain votes, when your followers are dying everytime these protests are held. 

Kenapa lah manusia ni suka sangat buat masalah? -___-"

If happy ever after did exist

I wish I did not care about you 

as much as I do now..
I wish I did not care about

all the things that you've said..

I wish I could ignore my feelings

I wish I could ignore YOU..

Transparent

I wish you would tell me everything.. Every single little thing that is happening in your life right now.. It may not seem like it's a big deal to you, but it's big for me.

At least, I know.

At least, I don't have to keep waiting.

At least, there won't be silence.

Well, at least you're still there, I supposed...

Just one of those lonely nights, I supposed... I miss you...

oh December, why are you so cruel?

So many unfortunate events happened in December.

There were so many people pissing me off, that I actually felt like blowing something up.. Fardia gave the idea: balloons. LOL! maybe. I think Pissing Anna off in December in an annual thing, because there was so many people pissing me off last December that I actually posted Lets Piss Off Anna Month. Let's see what will happen next December, then we'll decide if it's an annual thing.

I didn't really want to tell this, but I really need to let it out. My roomate's ATM card got spoiled and she doesn't have any back up account. So I lent her my HSBC ATM card, since my active account is Maybank. All my allowance and transactions are in my Maybank account. HSBC is just my backup account, in case anything happen to my Maybankcard.

So my roomate borrowed it. She transfered some of her money to the account, and I gave her my ATM card. My 'niat' when I did that account is also, if someone card got broken or lost, they can borrow mine. Well, the day happened. So. She asked my pin number. So I told her, and she asked me to repeat the number, I repeated the number, and she repeated the number, and she wrote down the number.

The next day, the messaged me, "anna, your pin number is (e.g) 112323 right?". I was like no. It's 113223. How the hell she managed to mess that up? I totally recall she spoke the correct number.

When I got back home, I asked her. She said she didn't manage to withdraw the money because she tried the number 2 times and got rejected. Yesterday she tried again, and now my card is blocked. *sighhhhhhhhhh.....*

I really don't know what to say. Part of me is actually quite angry at her but part of me is quite angry at myself too for not writing it down for her. She should have called me when it was rejected the first time, she should have shown me the number that she wrote down just to be sure OR I could have written it down for her, or I could have took the money out for her instead of giving her the power of my ATM card. So many what ifs.... but it had happened but I'm still very upset.

I called HSBC today, they said they can't issue a new card here in Moscow. Need to do it back in Malaysia. I thought they were an International Bank? So weird. So now, even I don't have a back up account. aiyaaaaa.....

Lets just hope nothing will happen to my maybankcard.

What surprises me yesterday was, MY ROOMATE STILL MANAGED TO GO SHOPPING!!!! She brought back 5 big shopping bags; including new handbag, new shoes, new clothes, and I don't know what else is in that bag... HOMAIGOD...

Thank God I only have 6 more months. My roomate is the most gullible and naive person I have ever met. You wouldn't even think she's 24!

The only good thing that happened this December is my sister's awesome 7A1B PMR result and our visa is on the way. I need a break from Moscow. *pening*

HERE'S SOME TIPS FOR YOU NEW FRESHMEN OUT THERE WHO WANTS TO PURSUE YOUR STUDIES OVERSEAS:

1. HAVE 2 BANK ACCOUNT. HAVE 2 ATM CARDS
2. BETTER YET, OPEN A LOCAL BANK ACCOUNT. IT'D BE EASIER IF YOU LOST YOUR ATM CARD OR IF IT GETS BROKEN.
3. OPEN AN ONLINE BANKING ACCOUNT
4. BUY A STUDENT TARIFF SIM CARD. So you don't have to topup your phone every 3 months or change your number every  year. It'll be easier to get the TAC number too.

When your hormones goes ups and downs.

When everything else fails, and I keep on crying, you'd make it worst by saying "Let's just break up" and hangs up the phone.

How I wish you would just DROP EVERYTHING that you're doing and JUST PAY YOUR ATTENTION to me. All I want is just you and me always,
Give me affection,
I need your perfection..

I'm always 2nd to your everything. I should accept that by now. I really should. It's has been 4 years. But I can't. Because it's not fair.

I know why you can't stand that I cried. I know why you walk away or shut the door or hang up the phone every time tears welled up my cheeks. You can't stand the fact that you're a FAILURE. FAILURE TO ME.

You said, lets continue this another time, I asked you "WHEN? WHEN WILL YOU HAVE TIME? WHEN?!" and YOU SAID, "LET'S JUST BREAK UP" every time things get tough between us. Like it is the easiest thing in the world to do. When you can't figure out what I want, when you can't make the tears stop. It breaks my heart every time, but most time the words don't even have meaning for me anymore. Because you always come back. And I always accept you back.

I wish you knew, all I wanted was you. And I can see that you just can't give me you. You asked me to understand your situations, but you don't understand OUR situation. MY SITUATION.

Kau tak pernah cuba memahami aku
Cinta kau ucap tak pernah engkau tunjuk
Dan bila tiba saat ku kehilangan
Beban yang tak pernah cuba kau ringankan...

Maybe you'll come back like always when you've cool down. Maybe you won't. Maybe I'll be here like always. Maybe I won't.

Obedient Wives Club

My non-muslim friends are circulating this video in facebook. I'm totally saddened by the fact that this club does not understand the concept of polygamy and misinterpreted the Holy Quran. I can't help but feel like, it's giving Islam a bad name, even though their intentions are good.

How did women fall down so low when we are given the higher degree by Allah s.w.t? There are even a Surah dedicated to women in the Quran. Surah An-Nisa' which means "The Women". Every single welfare of women are written in that Surah. How noble are we women to be given such recognition by Allah swt? 

What does the non-Muslims think about this? Of course they think it's stupid. I wish they'd understand our religion. I wish they'd understand that Islam is not stupid. I wish they'd understand how Islam gives nobility to women. I wish they'd know that this video does not convey Islam.

"And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear that you will not do justice (between them), THEN (MARRY) ONLY ONE or what your right hands possess; this is more proper, that you may not deviate from the right course." 
(AlQuran; Surah An-Nisa':3)

O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good. 
(AlQuran; Surah An-Nisa':19)

Polygamy are created to take care of women's welfare. The verses in the Quran stating that polygamy is accepted was received by the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W due to the fact that there were plenty of widows during his time and they were at war. Muslim men were allowed to take these widows as their wives in order to provide and take care of them.

I hope the men as well the people who created OWC can see this. May Allah swt show us the way. Amin...

Let My Heart be Open

I was kind of sad she answered the way she did. But it is not her fault.

Oh Allah, now I see.

"It is He Who made the sun to be a shining glory and the moon to be a light (of beauty), and measured out stages for it; that ye might know the number of years and the count (of time). Nowise did Allah create this but in truth and righteousness. (Thus) doth He explain His Signs in detail, for those who understand."

Al-Quran, Surah Yunus, Ayat 5 [10:5] 

LDR

LDR, bukan Light Dependent Resistor ye. Long Distance Relationship. ;P ok.. lawak bodoh..

I hate that we're far apart.
I hate that he's always seem so busy or make himself busy just so he can past the time without me.
I hate not knowing what he's doing at the moment.
I hate that he doesn't ask me how I'm doing.
I hate when he asks me to keep myself busy too.
I hate when we're on skype and he's chatting with someone else.
I hate the fact that he doesn't divide his time for me.
I hate that he doesn't know how to make up with me on line or on the phone.
I hate that when he feels like leaving, he just leaves especially when I'm upset with him.
I hate that he doesn't tell me about anything!!!!!

Oh God! I feel like strangling him! grrrrrrr... >.< I don't understand what is it that is so hard to comply to my needs! I JUST WANT SOME ATTENTION.. AND I'M NOT GETTING ANY! Our timing has always been off and it's even worse now! because it's morning when it's midnight, and it's afternoon when it's maghrib.. I hate this..

 9 more months.. Just 9 more months..

 

"I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing"

Upsetting

I must admit that everyone always complain about something. Sometimes they still complain about something that doesn't need complaining. But complains won't come if everyone does a good job. True that we can't satisfy everyone but at least we should do our job with sincerity and hardwork, and try to make everyone happy. It is our duty after all, especially when our job require us to handle people.

I just read Mr. Duncan's blog (he's a Brit married to a Malaysian currently living in Kuantan) where he complained about HTAA poor hospitality.

Lately the medical field has been overwhelmed with a lot of complains. Or is it me that has been reading a lot or is it because I'm graduating soon. Either way, if it's not the doctors that are complaining, it's the patients. I think both complains are directed to the government, and yet we see no improvements.

There will always be lazy workers anywhere you are. But I believe that Malaysian's doctors are a little overworked, but who am I to say, I am still a student. I don't know about that and most of the senior doctors said it's for the better, it'll make us better doctors. Who are we, the students or junior doctors to argue. Even worst, I'm not studying locally, I don't know the system. But when we see patients complains, it just breaks my heart. It is just upsetting. Nurses? no comment.

True, perhaps we became better in curing their diseases but not in treating them. Why do patients feel like we're treating them like crap? Why? Just because they paid RM 1 for our services? They don't deserve at least an explanation about their well being, or their families don't deserve to know about their well being?

I hear doctors complain about patients all the time too. Yes. Sometimes for RM 1 service they do ask us too much, I think. But then again, didn't we chose this job? Didn't we know what was coming for us? Weren't we prepared to treat patients in curing and handling them with care?

I hate when people complains and I hate it more when nothing had been done to solve the matter.

Let's hear this again, my point of view of government hospitals when I start working in 1 year time. Cuakkksss! >.<" Maybe I'll hate it at first, and love it later like Dr. Hannan =)

PS: APA KERJA SEKALI PUN YANG DIAMANAHKAN KEPADA KITA, WALAUPUN BUKAN SESUATU YANG KITA SUKA, BUAT LAH DENGAN SEIKHLAS-IKHLASNYA. ITULAH YANG TERBAIK.

"Kamu diwajibkan berperang (untuk menentang pencerobohan) sedang peperangan itu ialah perkara yang kamu benci; dan boleh jadi kamu benci kepada sesuatu padahal ia baik bagi kamu, dan boleh jadi kamu suka kepada sesuatu padahal ia buruk bagi kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah jualah Yang mengetahui (semuanya itu), sedang kamu tidak mengetahuinya."

- Al-Quran (2:216)       

Dear Allah,

My father just had a mild stroke. (according to my mom)

I'm super sad about it. I called my mom just now, she gave the phone to him. it was devastating to hear him trying to talk.

Please pray for his recovery.

"Dear Allah, I love my father and I want him to be healthy. Amin.. "

BAD HAIR DAY!

So he's been bugging me to get my fringe trim and offered to do so. So I say to myself, well, why not? I trust him enough.

IT ENDED UP LIKE THIS!!!

AND HE BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING! my blunt scissors, me distracting him! WTF?!! IT'S MY HAIR!!!
WHY AM I GETTING THE BLAME?!?!

gahhhhhh!! now I have to clip my fringe everyday. and I hate hairclips.. T.T

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mama,

Thank you for everything.
Happy Mother's Day. I love you and I miss you so much!

Words in my heart

oh, these times are hard, yeah they are making us crazy, don't give up on me baby..

Dance Dance Dance

Would you think bad of me if I were to perform on stage with a guy dancing waltz?

I love dancing. Should I sacrifice my passion & talent for someone? I don't know.

Ps: that guy is not my boyfriend. Would I be humiliating myself & my love?

I write random words when I'm sad

I tried so hard to understand,
When you left me at your door,
You've left me broken hearted once again,
and my heart crashes on the floor.

I tried so hard to see,
What mistakes I've done wrong,
When everything I say you disagree,
I tried to stay calm, stay strong.

But I couldn't, I cried,
Like so many times before,
Our hearts collide,
But you asked me to ignore.

I tried so hard to make it last,
To please your heart, to please mine,
Is it all that's left is in the past?
I can't let go of my sunshine.

Yours truly,
Anna Amin.

Floating in My Head

This thought had been a while in my head.

After my friend got an injury while playing sports, the paramedics asked her to go to the doctors to get it stitched, but she rather let it become a scar rather than having it stitched because she's scared, even though we all know that the doctors would use anaesthesia even for stitching. So basically, we just feel a little pressure going through our skin, NO PAIN. I don't need to tell her that, she knows.

This is not the first time she said she's afraid of going to the doctors. Last year, her period didn't come for 2 months. I asked her to get it checked but she said she's afraid, but it came after a week or so after she told me. So we just let it be.

The question in my head, "Kalau doktor(future) takut dengan doktor, mcm mana?" I mean, we all know the outcome and the complications or the severity of procrastinating check-ups and treatments. We know, how severe stages of a disease is more painful than getting early treatments. Unlike people who doesn't have medical background. They can procrastinate or act ignorant about their symptoms. They have the rights to be scared because they don't know. So why are WE scared? What impact would we put on the society? What kind of message are we sending to the society?

Kalau doktor sendiri pun takut dengan doktor, apatah lagi orang2 yang tak belajar dalam bidang perubatan.

I'm always a little upset at people, who wouldn't go to the hospital to get their symptoms checked properly, who let their sickness dragged until sometimes, they had to undergo major surgery. And yet, I have a (future) doctor friend who is afraid of doctors.. sighhh...