"I do, dont I?"

I'm tired of everyone asking when I'm gonna say "I do". It's not that I don't want to sit on the pelamin and be thrown with bunga rampai and perfume water. It's just that I am just not ready to take that big step.

It feels scary to me.

Yeah, I was all out for it 5 years ago. It was in one of my wishlist to be married at 25. Try searching the post in the archive 4 or 5 years ago, I'm sure you'll find it.

I'll be 25 in less than 2 weeks and I am scared as hell to get married and I'm so tired hearing people asking me, "so, when is your turn?, when's your big day?". I think all my single and in a relationship friends are going through the same thing as me. I don't know who gets it harder, the single ones or the in a relationship ones.

I see my friends getting engaged, getting married like its so easy to do. So why is so hard for me? It's the same feeling when people ask me "when are you going to wear hijab?" yerp. the same exact feeling. When I just feel like running away every time people ask me that. Yeah, I've been with the same guy for almost 5 years now, but I see relationships go wrong even after 10 years together. Yeah yeah. Don't you people start with me about the relationships because of Allah swt and the right path.

Like this couple did

I'm not them.

So I've summed up why I don't want to get married (yet).

1. Everytime we fight, we break up. Like how is that supposed to make me feel secured when we're married. Don't fight? yeah. like that's going to work. So every time we fight we'll ask for divorce? How does it work? Do we feel differently when we're married, because divorce are such a hassle, do we just break up while we're married and then get back together? LOL! I can't seem to find that security from him yet. Every time I cry, he leaves. I just can't stand that.
2. Both of us can't decide where we'll be staying after marriage. I mean, I want to stay in Kuantan of course but he doesn't want to stay near the mother in law, and I don't want to stay in Johor!! KL is ok, but my heart still says Kuantan. 
3. The ceremony will be tiring. Yeah, I wish I want a small wedding, a true Islamic wedding but I'm sure my mom won't allow it. You see, my family is big, REALLY BIG. My grandfather on my father's side has 4 wives and 20 children and my mom has 9 siblings. So you can imagine. Plus my parents are upper class people, so they have reputation. I really doubt they'd go for a wedding in the mosque.
4. The truth is, I just don't think I'm ready to be a wife. Not until my bB let go of the things he wants me to be, but accept me. I can't stand his bickering of me not covering my hair, although the topic has stopped for quite some time now, I'm sure it'll resurface soon. Maybe I'll get married once I'm ready to wear hijab. haha.. I'm praying every day that I'll open my heart to His religion, but I just can't take it when other people keep asking me to do it. 

When the time comes, it'll come. Only Allah knows. InsyaAllah, I won't stray. ;)

Note to self: Kenapa susah sangat nak buat pahala? Kalau hati tak ikhlas pun tak guna rasanya...

I'll get married, when he can stand in front of me and watch me cry when I'm upset.