Rants

Don't know if anyone still reading my blog but I just need to let out a little ranting.

Since I've become a mother, I've become more obsessive with cleanliness. And it gets to me when my husband doesn't have the same view as me. It's not just cleanliness, it's being tidy as well. If people knew me, they'd knew I am not the most tidy person in the world.

Growing up, I have always had a maid in the house. I rarely ever clean my own things. Someone is always doing the washing, the cleaning, the ironing.. All those housechores I hate to do is someone elses job.

So since I moved out of my parents' house, I had to do everything myself and since I'm quite a clean person, I dont mind doing all the cleaning on regular basis. It's just that I hate doing the tidying up, folding and ironing the clothes, etc2.. and ever since having the baby, those jobs had been trippling! And that's just ONE baby!!

I am not used to routinely, every single day doing these chores. I told my husband to get a maid but he refused to do so because maids are expensive nowadays. We do call the cleaner every other weekends to clean the house, but I still need someone to help me with the dishes and laundry.

My daily routines - wake up at 5am, make breakfast, make baby's food, bath, feed baby, change baby's diapers, pack her bags, send her to the babysitter's place, work, pick up baby from babysitter's place, bath the baby, shower, feed the baby, play with the baby, wash the bottles, cook, fold and iron laundry, put baby to sleep..

I really don't have time for myself and it's getting frustrating. I love my baby, don't get me wrong. Basically I just want my husband to help out with all these chores. If he can't get me a maid, THEN HELP OUT!! I really don't need to say what needs to be done on daily basis. Seriously! Why do I need to say "Can you please do bla bla bla..?". Why can't he just pick up his bum and just do whatever chores that needs to be done for goodness sakes!! It's our house! I don't care if he pays the bills and the rentals and whatshits not! Even more so that he needs to maintain the house since he's the one paying!!

When I told him I'm overly exhausted and told him that he's not being fair to me. He told me that I'm not sincere enough taking care of the family thus the reason why I'm feeling over burdened by all these chores. Grrrrr... I just feel like kicking him in the balls!!! Arghhhhh!!!!

Okay.. enough rants..

Sighhh..

Feeling Lost

Some days I wanna quit this dayjob of mine so bad and find something I really love doing and don't mind the stress. I want to find my passion and feel the happiness again.

I really miss my life in Moscow. It was hectic and sometimes stressful especially when you're dealing with the university or when the foreign students welfare is not met but somehow I had time to find the things I love doing. I could find time to actually read on things. Nowadays I can't even finish a single book. I can't even remember the last time I finished a novel. Can't even remember the last title of the book I "read".

I can't even remember the last time I opened the Quran, let alone reading the translation. I used to had so much time. So much time for myself.

Some days I feel severely depressed. I can't find my happiness in my job. I can't find the love in this job. But then, I don't know what else to do if I actually decide to quit this job.

I hate doing business. I don't know how to make money from my blog. I don't know how to do marketing. What else can I do?

Every day I chant to myself, I'm doing this for the sake of Allah. May He gives me happiness in this "so-called" noble job of mine. May he leads me to the right path. InsyaAllah, I'm sure everything will get better. I just have to believe in myself.

I don't know why I'm so depressed.
😞

New Place, New Life, and The Uncertainties.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of uncertainty. I hate going to new places. 

I remember curling up on the floor the day after I received my SPM results and had to make decisions on where I am going. I remember thinking I hate growing up. I remember thinking I hate to cross that line, that uncertainty.

Nonetheless, as Ellice Grey would say it - the carousel never stop turning. I have to endure it anyway, and so far I have been surviving. Had a great time along the way too.

I have been posted to Hospital Enche Besar Hajjah Khalsom in Kluang, Johor. New place, new environment, new colleague. I hate the part where I am the only "junior" MO. I am alone. That's just the worst of all. I hope I won't get bullied. I hope my colleague are great. I just really hope the best for myself. 

I am always alone somehow. I entered matriculation alone. I went to Russia alone. I entered Selayang Hospital alone. Alone as in no one I knew came with me. After my 2nd posting during housemanship, I practically entered every department alone. Sighh...

Yeah, you can say it's some sort a sad situation but I make a lot of friends a long the way. I really hope this time it will be the same. 

Wish me luck as a medical MO. I am terrified out of my brain right now! *cries*

Have I Sinned?

Sometimes, I get flashbacks of my patients that has passed. Mostly I thought the ones that died because of my incompetence and carelessness in my judgement.

They said you're not a good doctor if you never killed anyone.

But have I sinned? Killing is a sin. Some days I wonder. If my incompentence and carelessness cause them death. Is it a sin?

It's bad thinking about it. Sometimes the guilt is just too overwhelming. Although most of the time they were unexpected. Like you never thought the outcome would be that way because patient was so well until you gave one medication that was supposed to be contraindicated.

I really feel sad for him. He and his wife waited for hours in the emergency department. If only the surgical team had reviewed him earlier. I don't want to blame anyone. Wished I had better judgement that day. It's already almost 6 months had pass since the incident yet I'm still having difficulties forgetting that moment. I felt guilty because they waited for hours in the emergency department and he ended up dead. I felt guilty for his wife that waited beside him. I just really felt guilty. He seemed so well when he came.

I am so sorry.

Dear Allah, I hope you forgive me.
Dear uncle and auntie and the rest of your family, I hope you forgive me too.

Leave A Little Sparkle Wherever You Go

"There's no reason to look back when you have so much to look forward to"

Spiderweb

Bersawang dah blog ni. I'm so sorry to my readers.

Currently in my last posting - Orthopaedics. Seriously can't believe it. Almost surviving my housemanship.
I hope I'll have time to make this blog as active as it used to be.
Too busy with my wedding. Too busy with my day job.
Trying to get my passion for blogging back.
Wanna travel again soon.

I went to Yellowcard concert last week. I think I'll update that soon.

Later.
When I have time.
Sigh. Time....


#prayformalaysia

Career path

The more I stay in this career path, the more I hate this job.

There is not one day that I haven't thought of quitting from becoming a doctor.

Annoyed

Annoying people are just annoying.
Don't think you'd know what other's are experiencing if you never experienced them yourselves.
Just shut up.
Just because all the bosses like you. Just because you're smart, doesn't mean you can be a leader.
5 postings, not once you've held a title to do the roster.
Not once anyone voted for you to become the HO leader, and yet you kept telling me how to do my job.
This is the second time I've held the title HO leader. This is the second time I'm doing the roster.
Don't you think they'd let me be the leader again if they didn't think I could do it?
Heh.

*Okay, Anna, no need to brag.

Ramadhan Kareem

Alhamdulillah. We meet again in this wonderful holy month.

I hope during this holy month, that I get closer to Allah. My resolution is to at least read 1 ayat of the Quran per day (ATLEAST), not missing my prayers, go to terawikh anytime I get the day off or pre-night shifts, not saying bad about other people, not loosing my temper and not to forget LOOSING WEIGHT.

I was 46kg last year during my O&G posting. I gained to 50kg when I was in my medical posting.

Currently I'm 54kg!!! OMGeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

I don't even know how to hide my fattiness in picture anymore. I can really see that I'm gaining weight. I think my metabolism is slowing down.

I really need to get started on exercising. I know I have been sleeping a lot.

Okay, I'm babbling off topic.

Anyway, HAPPY RAMADHAN TO EVERY IN THE WORLD! I wish for good health, prosperity and Allah's blessing to all of us especially during this Holy month.

May we go through it with ease.
Insya-Allah.

Daddy

Daddy always light up a smile whenever he sees us, whenever we're back home or visit him whenever he's in KL. He looks very happy when he meet us.

Always telling my mother that he misses us.

Kept asking me when Saddam is coming back from UK.

I wonder, how come he never had that look when we were younger, when we were around at home?

Sigh. I miss u too daddy but I wished u did things differently back then.

My life

"Dear Allah, please don't make me hate this job I love doing"

Wedding Jitters

I think bB is getting a little bit over stressed about the wedding. Especially when everything I like seems to be over RM1000+

I am in love with this designer Arma Abd Rahman Wedding Couture but the price! OMG.. I could just faint. Although, most wedding couture prices ranges about the same. But bB seem to disagree with me to spend too much for a wedding dress. And I need 3 wedding dresses. T_T

So for now, I gave up on searching for a tailor. I'm just going to ask my mom to find me a good and not-so-expensive tailor with (hopefully) a good workmanship for my wedding dresses.

Then I started searching for a make up artist. Took me almost a week of searching, from Google to Facebook to Instagram. So I found this lady, Lin Elier whose workmanship is so natural and so lovely and so gorgeous and then I found out she's charging RM1000 per session and my heart just breaks. Later I found out it's the same make up artist that did Farisa's reception. So pretty okay!!

My heart just kept breaking every time I start searching for my wedding things.

The problem with me is I want it grand, or at least look grand. Every one said it wouldn't matter, but it matters to me. I want to be satisfied. I don't want to regret anything later. If only money wasn't the problem.

Sigh...

Neither Rich, Neither Poor, But It Wasn't Easy.

It is wrong to show happiness? Is it wrong to share that happiness?

I don't know what other people are going through, but let me tell you how it was for me growing up.

My mother was an independent woman. I mean seriously, a super woman. She does everything and I mean EVERYTHING. She works, she cooks, she sends me and my siblings to school/tuition classes/islamic classes/ballet classes/football/etc (you name it), she does the groceries, pay the bills, pay the house, just literally EVERYTHING.

My dad? He appears once in a while in the picture and I don't want to go into that.

Anyway, growing up especially during primary school I used to hate my mother. I love her, but sometimes I was just so angry at her. Angry at how she was working all the time and I was craving for the attention. When I was in Secondary school, I saw my sister was going through the same thing, but if I see it differently, she spends more time with us than any working mother could have ever done. I mean, how can you be working and send your children to school at the same time? Then send us again to where ever we wanted to go. Even to malls on weekend!

I hated the day I had my driving licence. It just means, I can go anywhere I want by myself now. Mean, I'll have less time with mother. Sometimes the only time we had was in the car when she's sending me somewhere. Until she had to say, "just please help me out, I do EVERYTHING, now you can mobilize, just help me a little". After that, I just had to accept that I had to be responsible.

It wasn't an easy life, but it was a disaster either. It was comfortable, but definitely wasn't easy. To get where we are now. I don't know how my mother does it. We're don't own millions, but one thing she says, "never show people how hard your life is". Because whatever that happens in your life is because of Allah s.w.t. All you can do is pray hard, work hard and hope that whatever comes to you, you just have to make the best out of it. And yet, I get to be a doctor, my brother is a geologist, another brother in UK completing engineering and my sister just finished SPM.

Even the time when my mother had lost every single cent that she owns, somehow me managed to pull through. I remember that time my brother was in college and he had gotten so thin. When my mother visited him, he said he hadn't eaten for a week and just drank tap water. *Okay, I can't hold my tears*
It was so hard at that time. I had to fork out my study allowance to support them. Some days I had to do extra business to get some pocket money. But even with that situation, I still can do things that I want. I was still able to travel, and shop and well, do whatever I wanted while I was in Moscow.

We never told how hard our lives was at that point of time. People see me travel, and having fun in Moscow, they think I wasn't helping my mother. They think me and my siblings were ignoring my mother and let her drown in her own problems. I know I can't help her much, all I can help was trying to make our family survive and what else would they expect us to do? We're a bunch of kids! And if I know my mother, I know she wouldn't use our money to solve her problems.

I don't want to tell the world how my life is. I know there are other people whose lives are harder than mine, but I just want to tell that we didn't had an easy life. Not like what other people portrays our lives.

From this situation, I learnt that the only way you can get out of your problems is if Allah s.w.t helps you and to get to the point where He helps you, is where you have to accept all the trouble and hardship. Not trying to get people's attention or blame someone else for the misery that you have.

Somehow at the time where we had no money. Literally NO MONEY, there were always somewhere, somehow, out of nowhere came the money. Somehow, Saddam still got to go to UK with MARA sponsorship, Lokman graduated, I graduated, and Nabilla finished high school. Well, what more can a mother ask for? Orang kata, rezeki.... Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, we're still surviving. My mother still has her business. Me and Lokman are already working now, so I think it should be easier for her.

And to those people, I hope they can see, that if we don't want to help them, we could have just ran away and live overseas. But we're still here, and I hope that they can be patient. I hope that they can see that the money is Allah's and not ours. If Allah s.w.t decide that the money should be taken away, who are we to argue?

Wallahualam.

For whatever misfit that happened in our lives, I am still grateful for this life Allah s.w.t gave to us, because without those misfit I don't think we could get closer to Him and to each other and I don't think we would know the people's true colour.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Oh Mother, I don't know how you do it. I just wish I could be half of who you are.

How To Read Chest X-Rays

Happy New Year 2014

This is my 2nd year working on New Year. No plans on New Year's Eve except for sleeping in early.

Summarizing 2013?
How should I put it? Housemanship is tough! I don't know how I survived 1 year of torture. Although, there are times that I appreciate it and loving my job. It takes time getting used to, but there are always (most) days that I thought of quitting.

This job is draining my energy. Well, enough about my job. It'll never end if I start talking about what I 'love' about my job. :P

Anyway, for the past years when I was still in Moscow, I usually writes about my resolutions and what I've accomplished. But I don't think I have the time anymore. I miss my time. I miss spending new years with close friends. I miss being silly and doing stupid things.

I just wish that things will get better. I wish I'll get through this. I wish to be a great doctor. I wish for health, wealth and love for me and my family. I wish things will go smoothly for my wedding (the anticipation is killing me) and I hope unresolved things will get resolved soon.

May I have more patience for my patients.

Happy New Year peeps!
May it be a good year. InsyaAllah. Cheers!

My weekends in September

I wanted to post this up in October but I was carried away with work, and my free time are mostly filled with sleep. So I didn't bother much about updating what has been happening in my life.

Anyway, here's some photos of what happened on my weekends in September. I had wedding to attend every weekend! And some double wedding which I couldn't attend.

All of them are happily married now and I'm not sure if there are buns in their oven by now, but I wish them the best! ^_^

1st September: Fareha and Musira

6th September: Faezah & Fitri

14th September: Fardia and Arif

14th September: Farisa and Syahir

21st & 28th September: Firdany and Azzam

Weddings are so much fun to attend, especially when you can get together with old friends and family.

Well, another good news is I've passed my 7 months in O&G department. I am going to medical department next. Arghhhh! I hate going into new department. I really hate feeling stupid and doesn't know what to do. I really hate not knowing the system. I hope all will goes well for me. Wish me the best peeps! ^_^

Better Late Than Never: Dr Maimuna+Dr Irfan's Engagement

Heee.. I know it's very late to post up pics of  my engagement, but oh well, better late than never right? and I know you guys are actually waiting for it.

So, my engagement was almost 5 months ago. 13th April 2013. Had everything planned, although there was so many things happening right before the event.

One, the case where my engagement ring got stolen. Then my then-to-be fiancé's grandmother passed away few days before our engagement.  I thought of postponing our event, but his family said everything was already prepared, so we went on with it.

They gave me his grandmother's ring for our engagement. :'(
It's really sad. His grandmother was so excited to come to Kuantan, but I guess it was her time. Allah knows better.

Not to mentioned, I was SICK! Paediatrics really left me a gift, I was on night shift 2 days before my engagement and I fell sick. I was working with 38.5'C temperature and vomited the whole night. I had to asked my colleague from the other ward for blood taking because I was shivering. My fingers turned blue while I was doing my rounds and had chills. Luckily my MO was cool. I think I overdosed myself on Brufen that night. :p

So anyway, the event started after Maghrib. We also did Doa Selamat right before my event.

Here's some pic of the night.

The pelamin. Done by my mother.

 

The house all prep up

 

Yours truly. The dress bought in Variante Pavillion.

My face looks so "sembab" because I was sick and slept the whole day.

 

"I do"

 

 I'm engaged!

 

 My bestfriends!

 

 With his parents

 

 

My family, the people who made it happen. Without them it wouldn't be a success.

 

The hantaran. Mine was done by my auntie and cousin.

 

 

So there you have it. The people I have to thank most is my mom and my maklang. They're the ones who made the event a success. Also not to forget my cousins. Hopefully those who came had a blast! I know I did.

 

Missing that moment.

 



Extended

So I got extended another 3 months in Obstetrics and Gynaecology department because somehow my assessor thinks my knowledge is not good enough.

But in some little ways, I don't think I am ready to go to another department yet. I really don't mind staying here.

I find I enjoy delivering babies. First timers always made my eyes tear up, when they see their babies for the first time. It's like magic. Although complications can sometimes be very scary.

Anyway, here's my tip if you're planning to get pregnant or currently pregnant.

- Get an early antenatal check up. It doesn't matter if you're married or not. You can't hide that tummy. Just make our life easier will you? You're not only risking us, you're risking your life and your baby's life. What's the purpose of coming to the hospital if you've never had check ups? Might as well just give birth at home!

- Giving birth is super painful. Let me rephrase that, it's SUPER SUPER DUPER PAINFUL. You SHOULD ask for epidural. Can you imagine, even with epidural, you can still feel the pain. We used epidural for operations, when we cut people up and you won't feel the pain. But you will still feel pain during contractions, even with epidural. If epidural is not available, and we'll give you pethidine instead, please don't ask for more. Just relax and bare with the pain. Pain is good, means you're progressing.

- Don't scream around and scare other mommies. Everyone is in pain. Not just you. We KNOW it's painful and you should have been prepared for the pain.  Screaming doesn't help. It'll just get you tired. Breath in and breath out. That'll usually helps. Pethidine only given every 6 hourly, we don't want your baby to get overdose. You shouldn't want that too!

- If you're unsure that your water broke, just come to the hospital. Don't come 1 week later. You're risking infections to your baby. They're not always going to be gushing in nature and wet your whole sarong. Sometimes they'll be dribbling continuously.

-  EXERCISE while you're pregnant and eat healthy. Pushing your baby out requires all your muscle and lungs to work. You need to hold your breath and push! Giving birth needs more energy that running a marathon. I advice for swimming. I think it'll help your breathing while giving birth. Most patient that can't push because they can't hold their breath in.

- When we want to check you OS, OPEN WIDE! How the hell the baby is going to come out if you can't spread your legs. It's a baby for goodness sake! It's not small!

- Read pregnancy books. Please just be prepared.

Well, I think I have some more tips but I can't really think right now. If I happen to remember anything else, i'll sure to post them up..

Time

Salam Aidilfitri. Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Tup tap tup tap. Its already 3rd day of raya.

A lot of things happen in between but I wish I had more time to put them in words.

Hope you guys had a wonderful raya. <3 p="">

Salam Ramadhan!

Alhamdulillah.. I get to spend another year fasting in the holy month and what a coincident, my off day fell on the first day of Ramadhan. So I get to go home, sahur and berbuka with my family! weee... Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah...

I hope this holy month will bring me peace and gets me closer to Allah swt. I hope I'll be more patient. Hopefully my bosses will be more calmer too! 

The dos and don'ts in Ramadhan

Despite the guide of what to do and what not do to in Ramadhan, I don't think we should restrict our good deeds only in Ramadhan but instead enhance them. They should not stop once Ramadhan is over but to continue doing good things. This is a reminder for me too.

Anyway, I wish all my brothers and sisters in Islam to have a blessed Ramadhan. May this year brings more prosperity to you in this world and the hereafter. InsyaAllah.

Happy Ramadhan peeps! ^_^