New Place, New Life, and The Uncertainties.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of uncertainty. I hate going to new places. 

I remember curling up on the floor the day after I received my SPM results and had to make decisions on where I am going. I remember thinking I hate growing up. I remember thinking I hate to cross that line, that uncertainty.

Nonetheless, as Ellice Grey would say it - the carousel never stop turning. I have to endure it anyway, and so far I have been surviving. Had a great time along the way too.

I have been posted to Hospital Enche Besar Hajjah Khalsom in Kluang, Johor. New place, new environment, new colleague. I hate the part where I am the only "junior" MO. I am alone. That's just the worst of all. I hope I won't get bullied. I hope my colleague are great. I just really hope the best for myself. 

I am always alone somehow. I entered matriculation alone. I went to Russia alone. I entered Selayang Hospital alone. Alone as in no one I knew came with me. After my 2nd posting during housemanship, I practically entered every department alone. Sighh...

Yeah, you can say it's some sort a sad situation but I make a lot of friends a long the way. I really hope this time it will be the same. 

Wish me luck as a medical MO. I am terrified out of my brain right now! *cries*

Annoyed

Annoying people are just annoying.
Don't think you'd know what other's are experiencing if you never experienced them yourselves.
Just shut up.
Just because all the bosses like you. Just because you're smart, doesn't mean you can be a leader.
5 postings, not once you've held a title to do the roster.
Not once anyone voted for you to become the HO leader, and yet you kept telling me how to do my job.
This is the second time I've held the title HO leader. This is the second time I'm doing the roster.
Don't you think they'd let me be the leader again if they didn't think I could do it?
Heh.

*Okay, Anna, no need to brag.

Happy New Year 2014

This is my 2nd year working on New Year. No plans on New Year's Eve except for sleeping in early.

Summarizing 2013?
How should I put it? Housemanship is tough! I don't know how I survived 1 year of torture. Although, there are times that I appreciate it and loving my job. It takes time getting used to, but there are always (most) days that I thought of quitting.

This job is draining my energy. Well, enough about my job. It'll never end if I start talking about what I 'love' about my job. :P

Anyway, for the past years when I was still in Moscow, I usually writes about my resolutions and what I've accomplished. But I don't think I have the time anymore. I miss my time. I miss spending new years with close friends. I miss being silly and doing stupid things.

I just wish that things will get better. I wish I'll get through this. I wish to be a great doctor. I wish for health, wealth and love for me and my family. I wish things will go smoothly for my wedding (the anticipation is killing me) and I hope unresolved things will get resolved soon.

May I have more patience for my patients.

Happy New Year peeps!
May it be a good year. InsyaAllah. Cheers!

Extended

So I got extended another 3 months in Obstetrics and Gynaecology department because somehow my assessor thinks my knowledge is not good enough.

But in some little ways, I don't think I am ready to go to another department yet. I really don't mind staying here.

I find I enjoy delivering babies. First timers always made my eyes tear up, when they see their babies for the first time. It's like magic. Although complications can sometimes be very scary.

Anyway, here's my tip if you're planning to get pregnant or currently pregnant.

- Get an early antenatal check up. It doesn't matter if you're married or not. You can't hide that tummy. Just make our life easier will you? You're not only risking us, you're risking your life and your baby's life. What's the purpose of coming to the hospital if you've never had check ups? Might as well just give birth at home!

- Giving birth is super painful. Let me rephrase that, it's SUPER SUPER DUPER PAINFUL. You SHOULD ask for epidural. Can you imagine, even with epidural, you can still feel the pain. We used epidural for operations, when we cut people up and you won't feel the pain. But you will still feel pain during contractions, even with epidural. If epidural is not available, and we'll give you pethidine instead, please don't ask for more. Just relax and bare with the pain. Pain is good, means you're progressing.

- Don't scream around and scare other mommies. Everyone is in pain. Not just you. We KNOW it's painful and you should have been prepared for the pain.  Screaming doesn't help. It'll just get you tired. Breath in and breath out. That'll usually helps. Pethidine only given every 6 hourly, we don't want your baby to get overdose. You shouldn't want that too!

- If you're unsure that your water broke, just come to the hospital. Don't come 1 week later. You're risking infections to your baby. They're not always going to be gushing in nature and wet your whole sarong. Sometimes they'll be dribbling continuously.

-  EXERCISE while you're pregnant and eat healthy. Pushing your baby out requires all your muscle and lungs to work. You need to hold your breath and push! Giving birth needs more energy that running a marathon. I advice for swimming. I think it'll help your breathing while giving birth. Most patient that can't push because they can't hold their breath in.

- When we want to check you OS, OPEN WIDE! How the hell the baby is going to come out if you can't spread your legs. It's a baby for goodness sake! It's not small!

- Read pregnancy books. Please just be prepared.

Well, I think I have some more tips but I can't really think right now. If I happen to remember anything else, i'll sure to post them up..

Doctor, please help me.

What do you do when your patient in labour keeps complaining that she's in pain? When the husband keep finding you every half an hour to tell you that his wife is in pain.

Painkillers given by the way.


What do you do? What do you do?


What do people back in the old days do when there's no painkillers? No labour inducer? No C-Section?


"Doctor, help me, it's so painful"
And me "Madam, it's normal. You're giving birth. It's supposed to be painful. My vaginal examination won't make your opening open any faster."


I tell you. Giving birth is scary.

Extension, is it a bad thing?

I got a threat from my specialist that I might get extended..



Shit...

Lets just hope he was kidding.

Where is my heart?

I'm struggling to find back my passion towards medicine. I used to love it so much. I mean, I still love medicine, but when I am back from work, all I can about is sleep. Even when I am at work, all I can think about is sleep. I WANT SLEEP.

I am lacking in so many things. My supervisors don't think I'm improving. I don't know if I still have that confidence or strength to go on. I don't let my parents know about it, though.

I still wake up at 5 a.m, to be at work by 6 a.m. At times I get to work by 7 a.m because I overslept and I won't have time to review all my patients by 8.30 am, and I get scolded for not knowing my patient's progress or when I forgot to fill in their latest blood results or when I mixed up my patients. And they say "potong 1 jam gaji" because I woke up late. And they'll say "You know, during my time as a houseman I took care of 28 patients!" I understand that, and I am severely impressed by how they did it! Anyway, I never went back on time. I always end up staying 1 or 2 hours later anyway but I won't get that extra pay. They should know right? Even they don't always go back on time either.

By the time I got back, I never open my books. I don't have the mood, because all I want is SLEEP. My precious precious sleep. I want 12 hours of sleep.

The cycle goes on, and I get scolded for not knowing the pathology of a disease or the aetiology or the common symptoms. I get scolded because I never revised at home. Yes, 7 years of med school and I still can't remember what bacterias cause Pneumonia. heh. 5 months of holiday, I didn't even open any books. So, yeah.

I just don't know what will happen. Everyone said it'll get better, but will it really? With my current situation, no one says I'm improving, and I don't even have that feeling where I want to prove them wrong.....

Anyway, apart from my depression. We found the perfect engagement ring for me! Finally!!! Although, we have to order a new size which will take a month. My fingers are too small.. The ring is very simple, so don't expect anything fancy. heee.. =)

Oh Babies!

Patient's mom: Doktor, doktor dah ada anak ke?
Me: Belum... Kahwin pun belum
Patient's mom: Ohhh.... ye ke? Pandai la pegang baby.. Saya pun tak reti camne nak pegang..
Me: ...... *smile* (dah hari2 pegang baby, camne tak terer >_<)

Oh babies.. they're fragile, but they're very very flexible.. =D

The only thing that make Paeds fun, is playing with the babies...

I feel bad everytime I have to poke these cute little creatures!

Tired, Exhausted and Drained... on NY's eve..

Hey peeps.. you guys know how I always reviewed my year's resolution and make new ones on New Year's Eve?

Well, yeah..
I think I might have to skip this year's.. I have been working for 2 weeks now.. from 6am to 10pm daily.. One day off (THANK GOD!)

I rarely see the sun.
You'd thought that only happens in Moscow. Nope, it still is happening to me now...

I even forgot how it is to feel hungry.

OH! Not to mention the screwing I got from all the Specialist and MOs... Made me feel like, what have I been doing 7 years in Med School. How is it possible that I am still this blur! Sigh..

I just hope, things will get better along the way..
I have to do an NRP test within this 2 weeks, or I'm guaranteed an extension in this Department!
But I think I am expecting that.. I just don't know how to manage my time yet, and I can't get used to sleeping less than 5 hours.... I kept oversleeping!


Anyway, my current home is near the hospital, and my bedroom view is KLCC. Gorgeous view! Very de-stressing..

Tonight is New Year's Eve, but I don't think I'll wait until midnight to see the fireworks. I currently feel like a ZOMBIE!!

Okay peeps.. till the next post!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! ;))

The view from my room

Chapter 2: Working Life

This will be my last post as a student. As of 17th December, I am officially a government servant working under the Health Ministry.

Unfortunately, I didn't get posted to Hospital Tengku Ampuan Afzan Kuantan. Somehow, all the housemen posts in Kuantan is all filled up. I got Hospital Selayang instead. No one from my induction batch got Kuantan. Nonetheless, I shall keep a positive mind and accept what Allah has planned for me.

I am leaving Kuantan today. Right now, I am still trying to sort things out and get the packing done.. Sigh..

I have memory of going back to Moscow. I hate packing....

Wake Up Call!

Oh God! The letter finally arrived. After 4 months of a looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggg holiday, I'm finally going to start working!

I'll know which hospital I'll be posted to on the first day of Induction, which is on the 11th of December according to the letter.

This means, I have less than a week left to do and prepare whatever I need and want before going to Kajang!

Suddenly I feel like I'm not so ready to work. But life has to move on, I can't live off my parents for the rest of my life and what a waste of my medical degree.. haha..

Anyway, WISH ME THE BEST OF LUCK, will you? =S

Dr. Maimuna reporting for duty

For Heaven's Sake, I'm Freaking 25!!!

Why is it when you're staying at your parent's house you're bound to their rules? I can't go anywhere without telling them. There's also the fact, I don't have a car and can't afford to have one yet. I can't go anywhere without my mother. I can't do MY STUFFS. I can't go and meet my boyfriend. I can't just freaking do MY THINGS! I can't leave my room messy, I can't leave my bathroom messy, I can't cook what I want, I can't wake up in the afternoon, I can't be seen sleeping in the afternoon, I just freaking can't.....

For heaven's sake, I'm 25 years old! 26 in 3 months! I've been almost everywhere in Europe. I went out partying and came back at 7 am in the morning on every New Year's eve. I spent every single day with my boyfriend for 5 years! EVERY SINGLE DAY for almost 1826 days. Now I can't even get permission to see my own soon-to-be fiance! I didn't even asked for permission. I just said my plan, and she immediately said "NO! TAK PAYAH NAK MENGADA".

I am having 2nd thoughts about working and staying at my parents place. Eventhough I'll be saving a lot of money but I feel like appealing to work somewhere other than Kuantan. I feel like going away again, if this continues. I am THIS close (putting my thumb and index finger 1 cm apart) THIS close to rebelling. Although, I'm not 18 anymore and that would make look like such a child. Sighhhhhhh...... I just want to run away somewhere.

I want my freedom back.

And I've been spending only one month at home and I'm already feeling like this...

Other than that, my interview will be conducted on the 17th of October. Do wish me luck! I have not prepared anything yet. Well, maybe just about 5%. I do hope everything goes well! InsyaAllah.

Posts on my UK trip will have to wait for awhile. Do be patient. I won't abandon my travelling experience! I hope I'll have the mood and time to write!